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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Is this an eating disorder?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 26 Replies

Promise I'm not a troll, just don't want this going along with my SN for obvious reasons.  

When I was a teenager, a guy (much older) I was "dating" (meaning he wouldn't let me break up with him or leave him, threatened to kill my family if I said anything about him, beat me up a lot, raped me, screamed at me, etc.  it was lovely) constantly told me I was way too fat.  I'm 5'5 now, I was probably 5'3 or 5'4 around the time and was about 115 lbs when I met him, with a lot of weight in my boobs - developed early.  He yelled at me if I ate, and controlled quite a bit of the rest of my life.  So, in my little mind, I thought I could OUT control him and stopped eating hardly anything.  When I would have to eat (social, if he let me go home to my parents house, if he decided he wanted me to eat something) it would make me gag, and I'd usually wind up throwing it up - sometimes intentionally if it was too "bad" and sometimes it just happened.  I got down under 90 lbs, and still thought I was way too fat.   I was anemic, terrified when my dr said they had to tell my parents that and that I was showing signs of anorexia (rapid weight loss, nails and lips discolored, apparently my teeth were messed up, my blood issues, I had deficiencies) and he suggested to my parents to put me in therapy, which they did, but it didn't do much.  I barely talked..... and my parents didn't really get involved past that.  I met a guy when I was older that helped me get out of the situation, helped me be able to eat normally again, and for years he was wonderful, we had kids (I gained weight.... too much... ) and we've been married for years now.  I'm in my late 20's, I'm probably 20 lbs overweight still.... and a few weeks ago I got a comment from some random idiot kid calling me a "fatass"... and since then, I haven't been able to really eat solid food without gagging, I recently got bloodwork again for a separate issue and it showed I was slightly anemic and I've obviously been losing weight.  I wasn't real worried when it first happened, because I'd occasionally get into "dips" where I was feeling real insecure and would have some food problems for a few days, then it would kind of resolve itself.  But this has been going on since mid December.  My intake is coffee, water, and almond milk every day... once every few days I'll eat veggies or fish... if I try anything else or too often I get sick.   the kids are too young to notice anything is different, and my husband is overseas, i don't want to bother him.  i'm completely clueless about eating disorders, i was intentionally blind to them for the longest time.  from what i know, i thought they were not things that come and go like this.   I don't want to go somewhere and have someone think I'm crazy.... but I can't be messing around with this now that I'm a parent.  Advice?

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lovinmykiddo07
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:17 PM

I am going to say yes. 

Go to therapy. Get some help. Like you said, you can't be messing around with this because you have children that are counting on you to take care of them. I hope you are able to find someone to help you. 

mom_dl6
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:19 PM

This...Please get some help for you and your childrens sake ok !

Quoting lovinmykiddo07:

I am going to say yes. 

Go to therapy. Get some help. Like you said, you can't be messing around with this because you have children that are counting on you to take care of them. I hope you are able to find someone to help you. 


Bre
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:21 PM
It sounds more of a mind over control thing to me. You got that comment and started thinking back to bad days of your past and it triggred a process in your brain like before.
You just have to play the mind over matter game with your self and not let it win!
Best of luck to you!!
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:23 PM

What kind of help?  I've been in therapy plenty (mostly based on what I went through with this guy, not really touching on the eating thing)... but I don't know if it's a mental thing or something I should check with my dr about.  It's really awkward to bring up regardless, makes me extremely insecure.  


Quoting lovinmykiddo07:

I am going to say yes. 

Go to therapy. Get some help. Like you said, you can't be messing around with this because you have children that are counting on you to take care of them. I hope you are able to find someone to help you. 



momo3fgr8tteens
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:24 PM

Yes, get help. You need to go talk to someone and get help for this. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:26 PM


I've been trying that for about a week.... I'll sit there with light food (and foods I used to be able to eat when I'd have to look normal) and tell myself I have to eat them.... or just one bite.... and that I can't stand up to throw up.... or i'll just grab something and try to eat it while i'm busy doing other stuff (but you can only distract yourself from yourself so much!), i've been doing more exercise to try to make me feel better... it's not working so far.  I don't know how I would have gotten out of it before if it wasn't for my now DH being so patient with me and helping.... he doesn't have long left on this deployment, but I don't want to bother him right when he gets back either, i feel like it shouldn't be his problem again.  

Quoting Bre:

It sounds more of a mind over control thing to me. You got that comment and started thinking back to bad days of your past and it triggred a process in your brain like before.
You just have to play the mind over matter game with your self and not let it win!
Best of luck to you!!



lovinmykiddo07
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:27 PM

I'm assuming you have Tricare if your husband is overseas? If I'm wrong about that, then correct me please. I'd start off with your primary doctor & go from there. I'm not a doctor, but IMO, eating disorders are a mental thing & not something that should be taken lightly. As awkward as it may be, its gotta be better than not being able to care for your kids due to malnourishment & everything else that comes with not eating. Some times you have to lay out all your insecurities in order to get the help needed.

Quoting Anonymous:

What kind of help?  I've been in therapy plenty (mostly based on what I went through with this guy, not really touching on the eating thing)... but I don't know if it's a mental thing or something I should check with my dr about.  It's really awkward to bring up regardless, makes me extremely insecure.  


Quoting lovinmykiddo07:

I am going to say yes. 

Go to therapy. Get some help. Like you said, you can't be messing around with this because you have children that are counting on you to take care of them. I hope you are able to find someone to help you. 




Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:30 PM

Please get into treatment for eating disorders. You may have left the controlling man behind but you still retain the anxiety and fear he built into you regarding your weight. The proper reaction to a kid calling you a fatass is not to start to starve yourself. This isn't something you can help yourself through, you need someone else's help, especially since you are responsible for your kids now and there is so much more at stake.

SunshineBird
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:31 PM

The first part there about control was definitely an eating disorder. Now that you have slipped back into it I suppose it could be about control again but it's certainly something going on in your mind. Maybe your brain just clicked back over to where you were mentally when you were younger? Either way, you will need to find a therapist who will help you figure out where your mind is hung up at. Keep trying new therapists until you find one that fits you. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:32 PM

Yes we have Tricare.  So this is something I need to see a medical doctor about you think?  I don't know what I'd say even.... he doesn't need my whole life story.... but it's relevant I think.  *sigh*  I don't like to bring this stuff up.  I still have dreams about it, and talking about it just brings it all back to the surface.  Writing it out... not so bad.  Verbalizing?  Brings it all back full force.   And I'm distanced from family and any good friends, he left almost immediately after we got to where we are now.... no support with stuff here.  

I agree it's got to be dealt with because I'm a mother.... I just know myself, and I don't think I can speak (out loud mind you) to someone about this more than once.  


Quoting lovinmykiddo07:

I'm assuming you have Tricare if your husband is overseas? If I'm wrong about that, then correct me please. I'd start off with your primary doctor & go from there. I'm not a doctor, but IMO, eating disorders are a mental thing & not something that should be taken lightly. As awkward as it may be, its gotta be better than not being able to care for your kids due to malnourishment & everything else that comes with not eating. Some times you have to lay out all your insecurities in order to get the help needed.

Quoting Anonymous:

What kind of help?  I've been in therapy plenty (mostly based on what I went through with this guy, not really touching on the eating thing)... but I don't know if it's a mental thing or something I should check with my dr about.  It's really awkward to bring up regardless, makes me extremely insecure.  


Quoting lovinmykiddo07:

I am going to say yes. 

Go to therapy. Get some help. Like you said, you can't be messing around with this because you have children that are counting on you to take care of them. I hope you are able to find someone to help you. 






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