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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Don't help my child...

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

A blog post I found interesting and very contrary to what I've seen most cmers say:

 

Kate Bassford Baker author

Please Don't Help My Kids

 

Dear Other Parents At The Park:

Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you've just heard me tell them I wasn't going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.

They're not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can't do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What's more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.

In the meantime, they can use the stairs. I want them to tire of their own limitations and decide to push past them and put in the effort to make that happen without any help from me.

It is not my job - and it is certainly not yours - to prevent my children from feeling frustration, fear, or discomfort. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that those things are not the end of the world, and can be overcome or used to their advantage.

If they get stuck, it is not my job to save them immediately. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn to calm themselves, assess their situation, and try to problem solve their own way out of it.

It is not my job to keep them from falling. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that falling is possible but worth the risk, and that they can, in fact, get up again.

I don't want my daughters to learn that they can't overcome obstacles without help. I don't want them to learn that they can reach great heights without effort. I don't want them to learn that they are entitled to the reward without having to push through whatever it is that's holding them back and *earn* it.

Because - and this might come as a surprise to you - none of those things are true. And if I let them think for one moment that they are, I have failed them as a mother.

I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success. 

I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions. 

I want them to accept their limitations until they can figure out a way past them on their own significant power.

 I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.

I want them to climb that ladder without any help, however well-intentioned, from you.

Because they can. I know it. And if I give them a little space, they will soon know it, too.

So I'll thank you to stand back and let me do my job, here, which consists mostly of resisting the very same impulses you are indulging, and biting my tongue when I want to yell, "BE CAREFUL," and choosing, deliberately, painfully, repeatedly, to stand back instead of rush forward.

Because, as they grow up, the ladders will only get taller, and scarier, and much more difficult to climb. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather help them learn the skills they'll need to navigate them now, while a misstep means a bumped head or scraped knee that can be healed with a kiss, while the most difficult of hills can be conquered by chanting, "I think I can, I think I can", and while those 15 whole feet between us still feels, to them, like I'm much too far away

 

 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:03 PM
Replies (21-30):
Elle.tea.22
by Ruby Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:37 PM

Agreed

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:40 PM
2 moms liked this
You missed the whole point of the blog post, probably because you have the typical CM two sentence attention span and didn't bother to read the whole thing.

Quoting aphrodite7400:

you dont always get up when you fall at the playground.  you can get broken bones. if u fall in a bad postion u can even hurt your neck, head, shoulders... not that somethng i would play with.  i understand her point in this, i dont sit 15 feet away, i just stand around where they are playing. 

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AliKatAK47
by Meanie Pants on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:42 PM

Amen to that.

aphrodite7400
by Silver Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:43 PM

LOLOLOL ok sweetie 


Quoting Anonymous:

You missed the whole point of the blog post, probably because you have the typical CM two sentence attention span and didn't bother to read the whole thing.

Quoting aphrodite7400:

you dont always get up when you fall at the playground.  you can get broken bones. if u fall in a bad postion u can even hurt your neck, head, shoulders... not that somethng i would play with.  i understand her point in this, i dont sit 15 feet away, i just stand around where they are playing. 



Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:43 PM

can't let them fall. might get bruised! I'd let dd fall. I fell and learned the fast way. Being coddled like that... no way for my child.

Quoting Anonymous:

Why? Why not let them fall? Falling off of the playground isn't the worst thing in the world. If you read the entire thing, you would have gotten to that paragraph...lol

Quoting Anonymous:

 didn't read the whole thing but maybe that mom didn't hear her say she wasn't helping, since she was busy with her own kids.

And if your kid is still learning your not right there. I let my kids do it themselves too, but im right there with my hands under them incase they fall



Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:44 PM
Very interesting!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:44 PM

 I let my children make mistakes. I let them do things by themselves. I didn't miss the point, toddlers who can't climb the ladders shouldn't be unsupervised, or maybe they should Im sure your local ER loves the business  eye rolling

Quoting Anonymous:

 You totally missed the point. It's about allowing your child to make some mistakes, not play on the freeway. Way to overreact! I'm pretty sure the 15 feet is just an arbitrary number, she could have said 10, 12, etc. Close enough to be watching and paying attention, but not right up behind the child.

 

Quoting Anonymous:

 Ya why not, I'll let them cross the street by themselves before theyre old enough. . let em get hit. I'll let them use the gas stove to make something, so what if they get burned they need to learn sometime.

I let my kids SAFELY have independence. No Im not going to sit back and watch my two year old fall 6 feet from the top of the stairs, just because that's not the worst thing in the world

Quoting Anonymous:

Why? Why not let them fall? Falling off of the playground isn't the worst thing in the world. If you read the entire thing, you would have gotten to that paragraph...lol

Quoting Anonymous:

 didn't read the whole thing but maybe that mom didn't hear her say she wasn't helping, since she was busy with her own kids.

And if your kid is still learning your not right there. I let my kids do it themselves too, but im right there with my hands under them incase they fall


 

 

 

 

OneToughMami
by Ruby Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:45 PM

I tend to sit away from my daughter when she is playing on the equipment at the playground. She is 9, she doesn't want my help, she wants to try. I hate when there is the helicopter parent at the park and they pester her when she is playing independently. She's not there alone, she doesn't want you helping her, please leave her alone! The worst feeling is when she asks me to leave because an ADULT keeps asking her if she needs help getting up a ladder.

Rust.n.Gears
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:46 PM
My mom had this issue with me as a child. She had to let me learn. I now do it with my son.I completely agree with this.
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bustybee
by Buzz Lightyear on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:48 PM

I agree, how else are they supposed to learn if we do everything for them.

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