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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Don't help my child...

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

A blog post I found interesting and very contrary to what I've seen most cmers say:

 

Kate Bassford Baker author

Please Don't Help My Kids

 

Dear Other Parents At The Park:

Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you've just heard me tell them I wasn't going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.

They're not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can't do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What's more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.

In the meantime, they can use the stairs. I want them to tire of their own limitations and decide to push past them and put in the effort to make that happen without any help from me.

It is not my job - and it is certainly not yours - to prevent my children from feeling frustration, fear, or discomfort. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that those things are not the end of the world, and can be overcome or used to their advantage.

If they get stuck, it is not my job to save them immediately. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn to calm themselves, assess their situation, and try to problem solve their own way out of it.

It is not my job to keep them from falling. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that falling is possible but worth the risk, and that they can, in fact, get up again.

I don't want my daughters to learn that they can't overcome obstacles without help. I don't want them to learn that they can reach great heights without effort. I don't want them to learn that they are entitled to the reward without having to push through whatever it is that's holding them back and *earn* it.

Because - and this might come as a surprise to you - none of those things are true. And if I let them think for one moment that they are, I have failed them as a mother.

I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success. 

I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions. 

I want them to accept their limitations until they can figure out a way past them on their own significant power.

 I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.

I want them to climb that ladder without any help, however well-intentioned, from you.

Because they can. I know it. And if I give them a little space, they will soon know it, too.

So I'll thank you to stand back and let me do my job, here, which consists mostly of resisting the very same impulses you are indulging, and biting my tongue when I want to yell, "BE CAREFUL," and choosing, deliberately, painfully, repeatedly, to stand back instead of rush forward.

Because, as they grow up, the ladders will only get taller, and scarier, and much more difficult to climb. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather help them learn the skills they'll need to navigate them now, while a misstep means a bumped head or scraped knee that can be healed with a kiss, while the most difficult of hills can be conquered by chanting, "I think I can, I think I can", and while those 15 whole feet between us still feels, to them, like I'm much too far away

 

 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:03 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 9 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:48 PM

lol mine does all the time.  hell he will climb a ladder all the way to the roof if i let him...so yeah he still gets a LOT of supervision.  i dont get the luxury of being 15 feet away.

i swear that kid has a death wish O.o

Quoting Anonymous:

A two year old is not going to climb up six feet.


Quoting Anonymous:

 Ya why not, I'll let them cross the street by themselves before theyre old enough. . let em get hit. I'll let them use the gas stove to make something, so what if they get burned they need to learn sometime.


I let my kids SAFELY have independence. No Im not going to sit back and watch my two year old fall 6 feet from the top of the stairs, just because that's not the worst thing in the world


Quoting Anonymous:


Why? Why not let them fall? Falling off of the playground isn't the worst thing in the world. If you read the entire thing, you would have gotten to that paragraph...lol


Quoting Anonymous:


 didn't read the whole thing but maybe that mom didn't hear her say she wasn't helping, since she was busy with her own kids.


And if your kid is still learning your not right there. I let my kids do it themselves too, but im right there with my hands under them incase they fall




 



Lalalie
by Gold Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:51 PM

Yeah, I get the whole letting them learn how to climb thing but... certain things they need help with. That's something you get when you're a kid. The safety net. It's a once in a lifetime thing, because as you get older it's gone. it's good to be able to do without but when I'm out on the playground with my own I'm not going to ignore a kid that ASKS me for help, or who falls. I always ask if they are okay, or help them if I can unless it's crossing the line by a lot.

I haven't done it in a long time, because it's not always necessary but I know when I was in HS parents would drop their kids off at the park and go home if they lived close enough, or go talk to other parents far away. I was with my little cousins and I had a kid fall right in front of me but thankfully I caught them. They might not have LEARNED from that fall, but had they fallen... I would have had to deal with the tears cause the parent wasn't to be seen.

It sucked then, because as a highschooler I swear all the parents saw me as a free babysitting service, and always asked or told me to keep watch. It was like... wtf.

But I get this article. It makes sense.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:53 PM

 Really? lol

Quoting Anonymous:

A two year old is not going to climb up six feet.


Quoting Anonymous:

 Ya why not, I'll let them cross the street by themselves before theyre old enough. . let em get hit. I'll let them use the gas stove to make something, so what if they get burned they need to learn sometime.


I let my kids SAFELY have independence. No Im not going to sit back and watch my two year old fall 6 feet from the top of the stairs, just because that's not the worst thing in the world


Quoting Anonymous:


Why? Why not let them fall? Falling off of the playground isn't the worst thing in the world. If you read the entire thing, you would have gotten to that paragraph...lol


Quoting Anonymous:


 didn't read the whole thing but maybe that mom didn't hear her say she wasn't helping, since she was busy with her own kids.


And if your kid is still learning your not right there. I let my kids do it themselves too, but im right there with my hands under them incase they fall




 


 

TexanMomOf6
by Platinum Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:56 PM
1 mom liked this

One of the problems with kids is helicopter parenting. This is exactly why the kids still live at home when they are 30. They have never had to face and conquer challenges. Mommy won't let them ride a bike, climb a tree or jump rope because they might get hurt. No wonder people are so fat. Raising a bunch of damn sissies who can't do anything for themselves.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:16 PM
Harsh, but right on the money.


Quoting TexanMomOf6:

One of the problems with kids is helicopter parenting. This is exactly why the kids still live at home when they are 30. They have never had to face and conquer challenges. Mommy won't let them ride a bike, climb a tree or jump rope because they might get hurt. No wonder people are so fat. Raising a bunch of damn sissies who can't do anything for themselves.


alexsmomaubrys2
by Emerald Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree 1000000000%. We believe in our kids learning to do things for themselves and that includes trying, failing and possibly getting hurt. How else are they suppose to learn?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:38 PM
Sometimes it's hard to sit by and watch them fall or fail. All you can do, especially as they grow up, is give advice and how to do stuff and watch. It's better if they've been doing it their entire life as opposed to pushing them out at 18 after they've been babied their whole lives.
Lurion
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:42 PM
OMG this woman has a LOT of time on her hands...a 1000 word discourse on someone lifting her daughter up the ladder at the park?! How about another 1000 words on the virtue of helping others or accepting a little help when you ask?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 10 on Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:42 PM

If your child is not capeable or does not want to do it themselves, please do not let her take twenty minutes to make the decision not to do it while my child is waiting patiently for your damn kid to climb the ladder or whatever else. Teach your child that although they are learning life lessons, they need to remember that they are not the center ot the universe and that my child has just as much right to be on that ladder and shouldn't have to wait forever for your child to make a decision while you sit fifteen feet away encouraging them to make a decision on their own.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 20, 2013 at 5:05 PM
She's a professional writer. Isn't that her job? Writing words?


Quoting Lurion:

OMG this woman has a LOT of time on her hands...a 1000 word discourse on someone lifting her daughter up the ladder at the park?!

How about another 1000 words on the virtue of helping others or accepting a little help when you ask?

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