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Need Advice on Confronting a Friend...

*Sigh* So I have this really good friend...we've been friends for 10 years, roommates in college, bridesmaid in my wedding, unofficial "godmom" to my daughter, hung out all the time.  Lately she just keeps making plans with me and cancelling.  Like probably 4 or 5 times in a row in the pasat 6 months.  I know she's kind of in a bad place right now...she recently got out of a long, LONG relationship, turned 30 and hasn't met any of her life goals.  She's been kind of depressed.

 I know she loves me and my family and really loves being around us.  She seems so excited when we make plans, but something always seems to come up to make her cancel.  Example: Last night she was supposed to come over for the football game and my birthday.  She'd been visiting family about an hour away but was gonna head home in the afternoon and come over for dinner and the game.  I texted her around 3 asking if she could still make it.  She replied: "Nope. Still in [town she was in]."  WTF?  I just don't understand why she makes plans with me that she's not 100% sure she'll even follow through with?  Why make plans at all?

 It almost seems like she doesn't understand how much it hurts my feelings.  Like I could care less if she was coming over for my birthday or not and just needed to know how many mouths I was feeding.  I miss her so much.  I want to confront her about how much this hurts, but I don't want to push her even further away.  I think her feelings are really sensitive right now.  I feel like I don't even know her anymore and it's kinda breaking my heart :(  Sorry this is so long, but any advice?

by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:09 AM
Replies (11-20):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:25 AM

Also, since my depression also included severe relationship issues, I found myself NOT wanting to be around other families or couples.  It made me sad to see where my husband and I were not at.  And I was NOT jealous.  I just couldn't have a good time and didn't want to be with my husband.  I have since gotten much better and accept it for what it is.  But, it sounds like your friends might be depressed and un-motivated right now.  Even though I have no doubt she loves you and your family.  

SunshneDaydream
by Platinum Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:26 AM

Thank you for this.  I'm pretty sure this is exactly what she's going through, and my husband and I have discussed it at length.  Also that she may feel as though she's bringing other people down just by being around them so she stays away.  I just can't help feeling like I just want to make her happy.  And I know seeing us makes her happy.  At least, I think it does....

Quoting Anonymous:

I just wanted to give another perspective or possibilty.  I went through a pretty serious depression a few winters back.  I was having a lot of personal problems, and was really down.  I did not want to do anything or go anywhere.  My sister and one good friends (who had never suffered from depression) were offended, and I did not blame them.  I sat down with them finally and told them that I was sorry and that it was not about them, but that it was about me and that I was getting help.  My sister, of course, supported my, but my friend,  just kept insinuating that all I had to do was "stay busy" and I wouldn't be depressed.  I had two other friends who HAD suffered from depression and they were supportive throughout.  They didn't ever have to talkt to me about it, nor did they say a word.  Just whenever I finally would call or text or ask to see them, they were there as if NOTHING had happened, and so of course, I DID confide in them.  

I know it can feel VERY personal when a friend drops off the radar like this.  But now, whenever I have a good friend do this and know she is struggling with some things in her personal life, I just "check in" and remind them I'm there and that I'd love to catch up and hang out when they are up to it.  

If she is being flaky or rude on purpose, then that is different.  But I had A LOT of excuses for cancellations b/c while I would make plans and WANT to go, when the time came, I just couldn't face getting ready and doing it. 

Just another side to consider, if any of that could be the case.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:28 AM
I feel crazy for saying this, but dude, she is going through a rough time in her life. Worry more about her, less about you for a short bit? Let her makes plans instead of you so you don't get hurt when she flakes?
othermom
by Ruby Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:30 AM

That is hard. I would talk to her about it. I knowsome one like that who kept cancling plans, but they were not much  of a friend anyways so I stopped trying. But after all those years it is worth it to try, maybe make plans less often since she keeps cancling.

LilyofPhilly
by Platinum Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:31 AM
It's up to you to decide if her friendship is worth bothering. Maybe try a spur of the moment get together instead of making plans.
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JadsW
by Ruby Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:33 AM
This x 5000. Excellent advice, here.


Quoting Anonymous:

I just wanted to give another perspective or possibilty.  I went through a pretty serious depression a few winters back.  I was having a lot of personal problems, and was really down.  I did not want to do anything or go anywhere.  My sister and one good friends (who had never suffered from depression) were offended, and I did not blame them.  I sat down with them finally and told them that I was sorry and that it was not about them, but that it was about me and that I was getting help.  My sister, of course, supported my, but my friend,  just kept insinuating that all I had to do was "stay busy" and I wouldn't be depressed.  I had two other friends who HAD suffered from depression and they were supportive throughout.  They didn't ever have to talkt to me about it, nor did they say a word.  Just whenever I finally would call or text or ask to see them, they were there as if NOTHING had happened, and so of course, I DID confide in them.  

I know it can feel VERY personal when a friend drops off the radar like this.  But now, whenever I have a good friend do this and know she is struggling with some things in her personal life, I just "check in" and remind them I'm there and that I'd love to catch up and hang out when they are up to it.  

If she is being flaky or rude on purpose, then that is different.  But I had A LOT of excuses for cancellations b/c while I would make plans and WANT to go, when the time came, I just couldn't face getting ready and doing it. 

Just another side to consider, if any of that could be the case.


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SunshneDaydream
by Platinum Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:33 AM

Yes.  I think you are so on-point here.  She once cancelled on coming over for a New Year's get-together when she realized it was just us and 2 other couples.  She never wants to be "the odd man out" as she puts it.  She always said she wanted a baby by the time she was 30 and she ended up breaking up with the only guy she's been with since college.  My heart really breaks for her.

Quoting Anonymous:

Also, since my depression also included severe relationship issues, I found myself NOT wanting to be around other families or couples.  It made me sad to see where my husband and I were not at.  And I was NOT jealous.  I just couldn't have a good time and didn't want to be with my husband.  I have since gotten much better and accept it for what it is.  But, it sounds like your friends might be depressed and un-motivated right now.  Even though I have no doubt she loves you and your family.  


cmc638
by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:34 AM
Tell her how it makes you feel in a non confrontational way. It sounds like she's suffering from depression and just doesn't want to function atm
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flawskii
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:36 AM

Next time you talk to her try to say this...

Hey I miss my friend and lately it seems like you don't really have the time to hang out. I'm not sure if you're going through anything which is keeping you away but just know that I'm here for you if you need to talk and remind her that you love her

That's how I approached not talking to my bestfriend, she eventually opened up and told me what was going on with her.

SunshneDaydream
by Platinum Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 10:37 AM

Quoting Anonymous:

I feel crazy for saying this, but dude, she is going through a rough time in her life. Worry more about her, less about you for a short bit? Let her makes plans instead of you so you don't get hurt when she flakes?

If you'd read any of my replies you'd see that I AM worried about her.  That's why I want her to hang out, she loves us and we always have fun together.  I just want her to have some fun.  I know depression is crazy and complicated, but I can't help but feel that I want to help make her happy.  It's not just me making the plans either.  She initiates sometimes too.  It still hurts, no matter who's idea the plan was. 

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