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Is my Mom going too far with my daughter??

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I feel like my mother treats Dd as if we're in a custody agreement with her, which we're not. 

Dd is 2 years old. Let me first state that my mother USUALLY  asks me before she buys things for her. But the issues between my mother and I run deep and they are something i'm going to therapy for. I mean deeeeeep deep issues that I believe start before I was even born.

Ever since Dd was born my mother treats me as if she and I are sharing custody of dd and thats not the case. It once got to a point where I didn't want to see or talk to her for a little over a month and consequently she didn't see dd because of it She has to realize that things are at MY discretion, not hers. After that month she got better but over time she's showing signs of regressing back to that point again.

I feel like she's at THE point in her life where she wanted to be when she was actually raising children. She has a nice house now, the man she wants to be with, the income, etc etc. When she was raising myself and my brother she was with my dad (who did drugs and cheated, he wasn't a bad person though, he just made bad choices, I want to make that PERFECTLY clear), they moved from place to place to place, and they never had any money. To me it seems that she see's Dd as her second chance at parenthood and is trying to exclude me from that. She's doing things with Dd that I feel is MY right to do with her, you know, firsts.

Her latest instance is that she bought Dd a tricycle. This broke my heart because it's something I wanted to do first for Dd and I felt she was too young for it. I planned on getting a tricycle for her third birthday. So I told my mother that I appreciate it but I wanted to teach dd to ride it and asked to take it home. She kind of avoided my request and the tricycle is still at her house.

When I went to get Dd from her house the other night she had dd sit in her tricycle and my mother has been teaching her to ride it when I'm not there! Again, my heart broke because this is something I really really want to be the one to do. Dh agree's with me. 

I'm thinking of insisting on taking the tricycle home with me (so I can continue her education in riding it) and if she refuses then not allowing dd over there until she gives it to me. Am I being ridiculous??

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:34 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:43 PM

Like I stated before, our issues run DEEP. My mother has a history of doing this sort of thing, not just with my daughter, but with other people as well. 

When I was growing up she made SURE that my little brother and I never developed a relationship. She would favor him (I know this sounds like typical older sister jealousy but she's manipulative like this) and bestow upon him things that normally the older sibling would do first. She taught him to drive but refused me, she bought him multiple cars but never one for me, she bought him multiple cell phones, she wanted to give him the big room upstairs and have my room be the spider filled closet under the stairs (I shit you not, we had a big fight over it, I won out in the end but only because my little brother insisted that I have the big room and then she gave him HER room and just slept outside of it for years until I moved out and she took over my old room), she spends time with him, etc etc. 

Anyway, needless to say we've just started a relationship over the last two years and thats much to my mothers dismay.

My mother is very spiritual and has it in her head that my brother is psychic and can see spirits (he insists it's not true but she insists it is) and she's always saying how worldly he is and how I'm not and she wishes I could see that. It hurts but it is what it is. When dd was born she would say the same things about dd and compare her to my brother as if dd was HIS. She wishes dd was my little brothers. 

When dd is over at her house she always invites my little brother to her house but makes him leave before I get there. 

Its just a lot with her. 

Quoting MalakbelLacuna:

what else besides the tricycle is bothering you?
kind of ridiculous on the surface to me, but I think you may have just thrown that out there as an example so I need to know more.

by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:45 PM

 It's not like she taught her how to walk without you there.  It is just a tricycle...

by Jamie on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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I think she needs another break from your dd again. Maybe longer
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by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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I feel you on this one. My mom is CRAZY....literally mentally ill and unstable and dealing with her all of my life has been such a trial. I won't go into the details here, it's too long, lol

But she thinks that my son is hers too. She thinks she can show up at our house unannounced at any time and spend time with him. She thinks she should be able to take him Disneyland, just the two of them!!!

The bottom line made a request of your mom and she deliberately went against your wishes. That is rude and disrespectful and you need to draw a line in the sand now or she'll think she can always get away with this type of behavior. It's your child and you get to make the rules.
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:47 PM
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I can't stand grand parents like this. Good luck!
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by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:47 PM
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 sorry but I dont think its a huge deal personally. MY mom an mil an other family memebers buy our girls stuff an do stuff with our girls all the time. They dont have to ask because I feel it allows them more opportunities to experienec things an do things. Its not like I cant do it again later with them.  But again thats just me.

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:47 PM
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If I specifically asked my mom to not do something and she did it anyway then it would bother me. But as a compromise why dont you set a day where both of you are on hand to teach dd? One can take pics, one can show dd, and then take turns. Maybe if she is included in some things she will feel better and stop trying to control so much kwim?
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by Ruby Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:47 PM
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I don't think you're being ridiculous.  I think you hit the nail on the head by stating that you think she's trying to make up for your own childhood and what SHE may have missed or may not have been able to do.  My father is the same way (he was gone for most of the first 3 years of my life because he was a civil engineer who worked out in the field and traveled) and does the same thing with my own 2 year old DD.

I know how hard it can be and frustrating.  Have you spoken to her?  I know it may not seem like it's doing anything, but you need to speak to her repeatedly and sometimes not so nicely.  She's overstepping her boundaries and is not respecting your wishes and that's not right - grandparent or not. 

by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:50 PM
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Your issues with your mother started before you were born? How does that work?

On the tricycle issue, I think you are being ridiculous. You didnt buy it, you dont get to demand it goes home with you...
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by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:51 PM

Oh believe me, she tried. She wanted so badly for dd's first steps to be while she was watching her.

Quoting Anonymous:

 It's not like she taught her how to walk without you there.  It is just a tricycle...

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