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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Is my Mom going too far with my daughter??

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I feel like my mother treats Dd as if we're in a custody agreement with her, which we're not. 

Dd is 2 years old. Let me first state that my mother USUALLY  asks me before she buys things for her. But the issues between my mother and I run deep and they are something i'm going to therapy for. I mean deeeeeep deep issues that I believe start before I was even born.

Ever since Dd was born my mother treats me as if she and I are sharing custody of dd and thats not the case. It once got to a point where I didn't want to see or talk to her for a little over a month and consequently she didn't see dd because of it She has to realize that things are at MY discretion, not hers. After that month she got better but over time she's showing signs of regressing back to that point again.

I feel like she's at THE point in her life where she wanted to be when she was actually raising children. She has a nice house now, the man she wants to be with, the income, etc etc. When she was raising myself and my brother she was with my dad (who did drugs and cheated, he wasn't a bad person though, he just made bad choices, I want to make that PERFECTLY clear), they moved from place to place to place, and they never had any money. To me it seems that she see's Dd as her second chance at parenthood and is trying to exclude me from that. She's doing things with Dd that I feel is MY right to do with her, you know, firsts.

Her latest instance is that she bought Dd a tricycle. This broke my heart because it's something I wanted to do first for Dd and I felt she was too young for it. I planned on getting a tricycle for her third birthday. So I told my mother that I appreciate it but I wanted to teach dd to ride it and asked to take it home. She kind of avoided my request and the tricycle is still at her house.

When I went to get Dd from her house the other night she had dd sit in her tricycle and my mother has been teaching her to ride it when I'm not there! Again, my heart broke because this is something I really really want to be the one to do. Dh agree's with me. 

I'm thinking of insisting on taking the tricycle home with me (so I can continue her education in riding it) and if she refuses then not allowing dd over there until she gives it to me. Am I being ridiculous??

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 22, 2013 at 12:34 PM
Replies (31-40):
sugareemommee
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:00 PM
2 moms liked this
Yes you're being ridiculous.



It's just you being annoyed at minor situations because of your deep seeded issues with you mom.



She still needs to learn to ride a bike :). The trike phase doesn't last long.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:00 PM
7 moms liked this

First, I want to thank you for this post.  Why?, because I sound like your mother.

I was so young when I had my children, and we were so poor because we were so young.

Now, my kids are raised, and we are still young, but we are no longer poor.  

I WANT to give to my kids the things I can to financially help them.  Yet, I am not trying to take away from any effects they can have for themselves.  I never ever want my daughter to feel as though I am trying to experience the "First" of anything.  But, since this is my first grandchild, I want to have my home a place where they know if they bring her here, I have the supplies to care for her.

Not something we experienced when our kids were little.  My inlaws had little in their home that accomodated our visits.  And we traveled 11 hours to visit.

So, this is where I am coming from as a mom who sounds like yours...but I so hear where you are coming from and appreciate it for my own caution.

Just to share examples, I redid an entire bedroom and turned it into a "grandbaby's" room.  It isn't intended for just this child, but this child is why I did it.  I bought the first highchair (my daughter didn't have one yet).   I bought the first car seat (after the infant one) just because I was tired of carrying the infant seat.  I think I will take a step back and be sure not to do these things as I can see what you are saying.

I really do feel proud I can afford to buy things I couldn't when my kids were little...but not at her expense.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:00 PM

Hence, therapy. It's amazing how fucked up we are as adults because of our childhoods.

Quoting PhoenixsMommy10:

I think the tricycle issue is petty, but it's obvious that the underlying issues are the real problem.



Lalalie
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:01 PM

I don't think it would be right for you to request you take the tricycle SHE bought home with you, or your dd can't go over anymore.

I think you can request she not teach your dd things you want to be around for, or be doing with your dd on your own. If she can't respect that then don't have your dd over there without you.

She needs to respect your choices, and you need to make it clear that she must or your dd will be the one to suffer unfortunately.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:02 PM
3 moms liked this

 

Are you serious...You sound like you are jealous of the relationship your mom has with your daughter. You can't get back your childhood or fix the hurts caused if you continue to get mad and demand that you be consulted everythime your mom wants to buy something for your DD. Talk to your therapist and get his/her input on why you feel so strongly against this.

Quoting Anonymous:

She should have asked me first if she could buy it. She just did it! Tricycles are a big deal, what's next? Is she gonna get her first bicycle? Her first bra? where does it end??

Quoting Anonymous:

Your issues with your mother started before you were born? How does that work?



On the tricycle issue, I think you are being ridiculous. You didnt buy it, you dont get to demand it goes home with you...

 

 


 

BraydensMama163
by Ruby Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:02 PM
This.

We have been dealing with the same from my mom since DS was born. She actually had half her friends thinking he was her baby when he was born. She tries to have family time with my kids and whatever bf she has at the time. I don't allow that.


Quoting MalakbelLacuna:

what else besides the tricycle is bothering you?

kind of ridiculous on the surface to me, but I think you may have just thrown that out there as an example so I need to know more.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:07 PM

I'm so glad you're taking something positive away from this post!

My mother bought my daughters first high chair as well and it was something I was very grateful for because we needed it and at the time money was very tight so we couldn't afford one. However, the chair was something she bought that we had at our house. 

I think I would have felt differently about the tricycle if she had asked me first if she could buy it for dd. I would have told her that it was something I felt dd was too young for and requested that she not buy it, that I wanted to be the one to buy something like that for her. But she did it without asking because I think she knew that would have been my answer.

Quoting Anonymous:

First, I want to thank you for this post.  Why?, because I sound like your mother.

I was so young when I had my children, and we were so poor because we were so young.

Now, my kids are raised, and we are still young, but we are no longer poor.  

I WANT to give to my kids the things I can to financially help them.  Yet, I am not trying to take away from any effects they can have for themselves.  I never ever want my daughter to feel as though I am trying to experience the "First" of anything.  But, since this is my first grandchild, I want to have my home a place where they know if they bring her here, I have the supplies to care for her.

Not something we experienced when our kids were little.  My inlaws had little in their home that accomodated our visits.  And we traveled 11 hours to visit.

So, this is where I am coming from as a mom who sounds like yours...but I so hear where you are coming from and appreciate it for my own caution.

Just to share examples, I redid an entire bedroom and turned it into a "grandbaby's" room.  It isn't intended for just this child, but this child is why I did it.  I bought the first highchair (my daughter didn't have one yet).   I bought the first car seat (after the infant one) just because I was tired of carrying the infant seat.  I think I will take a step back and be sure not to do these things as I can see what you are saying.

I really do feel proud I can afford to buy things I couldn't when my kids were little...but not at her expense.



anotherhalf
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:08 PM
3 moms liked this

I read your responses to others and your mom sounds possibly mentally ill or just plain screwed up (no disrespect meant).  I wouldn't demand the tricycle, but I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my child alone with her EVER.  She doesn't sound trustworthy and if she stifled a relationship between you and your brother, and if she is acting toward your dd as she acted toward your brother, I see her trying to build a wedge between you and your daughter.  I just wouldn't trust what type of manipulations she might be doing while I wasn't around.

Mistweave
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:08 PM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't count it as ridiculous when she already knows how you feel about it and just refuses to respect your wishes. My mom buys a lot for my child and it's not even due until June but my parents already know if they buy it for the baby and I want it at my house I'll just straight out take it lol.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:12 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting Anonymous:

Like I stated before, our issues run DEEP. My mother has a history of doing this sort of thing, not just with my daughter, but with other people as well. 

When I was growing up she made SURE that my little brother and I never developed a relationship. She would favor him (I know this sounds like typical older sister jealousy but she's manipulative like this) and bestow upon him things that normally the older sibling would do first. She taught him to drive but refused me, she bought him multiple cars but never one for me, she bought him multiple cell phones, she wanted to give him the big room upstairs and have my room be the spider filled closet under the stairs (I shit you not, we had a big fight over it, I won out in the end but only because my little brother insisted that I have the big room and then she gave him HER room and just slept outside of it for years until I moved out and she took over my old room), she spends time with him, etc etc. 

Anyway, needless to say we've just started a relationship over the last two years and thats much to my mothers dismay.

My mother is very spiritual and has it in her head that my brother is psychic and can see spirits (he insists it's not true but she insists it is) and she's always saying how worldly he is and how I'm not and she wishes I could see that. It hurts but it is what it is. When dd was born she would say the same things about dd and compare her to my brother as if dd was HIS. She wishes dd was my little brothers. 

When dd is over at her house she always invites my little brother to her house but makes him leave before I get there. 

Its just a lot with her. 

Quoting MalakbelLacuna:

what else besides the tricycle is bothering you?
kind of ridiculous on the surface to me, but I think you may have just thrown that out there as an example so I need to know more.



Hearing this actually makes sense why you feel the way you do and helps me feel better about what I've done.

My kids are all very close with one another, and I was Huge on birth order first.  My oldest daughter had her own room while the other two had to share.

And, I've always taught them to respect me while they live with me, but when they are grown and out of the house I want them to be close to one another and lean on one another as siblings.....which has caused us ALL to be very very close.

I have a great relationship with this daughter, but I still do not want her to ever think I buy what I buy (and I do go overboard according to my husband), but I also go overboard with my own children.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your mom when your child isn't around and share what you feel.  Find a way to forgive her for the mistakes she's made or, you may actually repeat some things. (probably not the way she did, but history has a way of repeating itself if wounds aren't healed)  Your precious daughter will sense the undertone you have with your own mom...and I can promise you, the teenage stage is the most difficult.

Take the time now to work on that relationship before your daughter is old enough to recognize what is really going on.  In that, you will do right for YOUR daughter...by healing the relationship with your mother.

Many blessings to you, you're a good momma :)

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