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What do you do when your DH won't listen?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I'm fed up with DH. I love him but with the way things are now, I see divorce in our future. Every time I try to talk to him, all he does is get defensive. I try to tell him I'm unhappy and all he does is say "So what are you saying..you're gonna leave me? Well fine then, go ahead." The things I'm unhappy about is the lack of help from him, his irresponsibility with money and his temper. He doesn't hit me or anything, but if he's in a pissy mood, he gets mean. He also hardly ever helps around the house. He's laid off for the season but I still work M-F and I'll come home and he has maybe started a load of laundry or put the clean dishes away. That's it all day. Keep in mind, our kids are in school so he's home alone and that's still all he does. I always tell him he may help a little, but it isn't fair that I'm the only one who has to do the vacuuming, mopping or scrubbing the bathrooms. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. It really isn't even about the cleaning, but more about his lack of respect for my feelings and his laziness. Also, his money spending. He will buy cappuccinos at the gas station, get fast food, buy an energy drink..whatever it happens to be, yet it will equal $100 a month. It may not sound like much, but with him being laid off, things are tight and if you have to go without fun stuff for awhile because you don't have the extra money, then you don't. It's just part of being a grown up, but he doesn't care. I'm a very private person when it comes to my marriage so I'm not one to talk to family and friends about our issues. I love him, but he doesn't treat me right, doesn't appreciate me and I'm fed up. He's also done a lot of bad things to me but they're in the past as he would say.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 23, 2013 at 11:27 PM
Replies (21-30):
KrissyKC
by Platinum Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 11:54 PM

Oh I totally see your side of this, and I agree about his behavior...

However, that being said, if you DO love him and prefer to have your marriage work verses divorcing him; then you just might have to be the one that sacrifices to reach that end.

I'm totally not suggesting continue getting used, but you might want to see a counselor that can help counsel you on how to specifically KEEP your marriage while drawing boundaries and learning how to meet your husband's needs. 

YES, I just mentioned meeting HIS needs when you are the one that is doing all the work and he's not playing a good part as husband and father of his household.    However, I also mentioned knowing how to set boundaries in this.

For example, when he overspends on coffee and such... if you cannot pay a bill, like say, the cable bill... bring it to him and tell him that you are out of money and don't know how to get it paid.   Don't throw it in his face or demand he solve the problem since HIS overspending caused it...  instead, come to him like you really need his help.   It may not make a difference immediately, but who knows if he won't start taking more responsibility the next week or two, and then you two are acting like a team instead of fighting.

This is just one way a counselor might be able to give you guidance on how to solve problems... yes, it may not help in the moment, but it may make a difference in the long term.

Good luck, mama... *hugs*

LucyHourglass
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 11:54 PM

you should leave him..

pinkyheather
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 11:56 PM

 Oh okay, so he's at least getting something to hopefully help you with the bills. What about putting a usage limit per day on his card? I'm sure your bank could set that up.

yeah, that seems really fishy and I totally agree with you that while it's in the past it left an indelible impact on you and you should feel however you feel. Seems odd he's texting his "hairdresser" imo.


Quoting Anonymous:

He does get unemployment during his off season and if I tried taking his card away, trust me, I wouldn't get a positive reaction. It would just piss him off. And yes the things from the past still hurt me. He always tries to act like I need to just get over it, but I told him even if you glue a broken vase back together, it will never be exactly the same because the scars will still be there. One example of many is that he went and got his hair cut two weeks before our wedding and ended up with her phone number. I told him I was not comfortable with it even though he claimed she gives her info out for business, but then I saw he looked her up on FB and requested her as a friend and caught him texting with her. Nothing bad, it was innocent, but still not okay with me. He doesn't need to be texting some girl that cut his hair. I flipped a lid and forbade him from doing it again (I know I know, I'm not his mother) and made it clear how I felt about it so he said he wouldn't anymore and then I caught him texting with her again like 4-5 months later.


Quoting pinkyheather:

They aren't in the past if your still thinking about them. Sounds like he is a complete and total ass. Maybe you should take his debit card away since he isn't bringing any money into the house and your trying to pay what needs paid. He wants to act like a mean brat treat him like one.



 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:11 AM
This is good advice, thank you. I think knowing my DH, he would just get frustrated if we didn't have enough to pay a bill. There have been times where he has said "I'm sorry honey, I'll make sure I don't spend any money again until this is paid," but other times he will just get stressed and act like a jerk.


Quoting KrissyKC:

Oh I totally see your side of this, and I agree about his behavior...

However, that being said, if you DO love him and prefer to have your marriage work verses divorcing him; then you just might have to be the one that sacrifices to reach that end.

I'm totally not suggesting continue getting used, but you might want to see a counselor that can help counsel you on how to specifically KEEP your marriage while drawing boundaries and learning how to meet your husband's needs. 

YES, I just mentioned meeting HIS needs when you are the one that is doing all the work and he's not playing a good part as husband and father of his household.    However, I also mentioned knowing how to set boundaries in this.

For example, when he overspends on coffee and such... if you cannot pay a bill, like say, the cable bill... bring it to him and tell him that you are out of money and don't know how to get it paid.   Don't throw it in his face or demand he solve the problem since HIS overspending caused it...  instead, come to him like you really need his help.   It may not make a difference immediately, but who knows if he won't start taking more responsibility the next week or two, and then you two are acting like a team instead of fighting.

This is just one way a counselor might be able to give you guidance on how to solve problems... yes, it may not help in the moment, but it may make a difference in the long term.

Good luck, mama... *hugs*


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:17 AM
He probably wouldn't stand for that. If I tried to act like he's a child and put a limit, he would not be happy to live with. I could probably try and come up with an agreed upon amount a week though. Maybe then instead of harping on him about spending, I can let him spend money on what he wants, when he wants, as long as it's within a certain limit. As far as him texting that girl goes, I absolutely won't stand for that. I deep down don't think anything waa going on. He was friends with a lot of girls in high school (we went to school together) and the girls really were just friends, but now as a married man, and especially with a stranger you don't even know from school, it's unacceptable.


Quoting pinkyheather:

 Oh okay, so he's at least getting something to hopefully help you with the bills. What about putting a usage limit per day on his card? I'm sure your bank could set that up.


yeah, that seems really fishy and I totally agree with you that while it's in the past it left an indelible impact on you and you should feel however you feel. Seems odd he's texting his "hairdresser" imo.




Quoting Anonymous:

He does get unemployment during his off season and if I tried taking his card away, trust me, I wouldn't get a positive reaction. It would just piss him off. And yes the things from the past still hurt me. He always tries to act like I need to just get over it, but I told him even if you glue a broken vase back together, it will never be exactly the same because the scars will still be there. One example of many is that he went and got his hair cut two weeks before our wedding and ended up with her phone number. I told him I was not comfortable with it even though he claimed she gives her info out for business, but then I saw he looked her up on FB and requested her as a friend and caught him texting with her. Nothing bad, it was innocent, but still not okay with me. He doesn't need to be texting some girl that cut his hair. I flipped a lid and forbade him from doing it again (I know I know, I'm not his mother) and made it clear how I felt about it so he said he wouldn't anymore and then I caught him texting with her again like 4-5 months later.



Quoting pinkyheather:


They aren't in the past if your still thinking about them. Sounds like he is a complete and total ass. Maybe you should take his debit card away since he isn't bringing any money into the house and your trying to pay what needs paid. He wants to act like a mean brat treat him like one.





 


saumlei
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:21 AM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like he does not love or respect you. With kids and all its a tuff situation. I would feel the same way.

dani0007
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 9:02 AM

Decide right now to love him or leave him.... he obviously feels like a failure not working and doesnt feel like a man right now. You keep telling him your not happy which your making his fault too. Oh and lets add "womans jobs" that he hasnt done and your yelling at him for. He might not be sexist but men are programmed a certain way and they cant help their programming. If your gonna give up on him give up already. If your not then support him its alot harder but you are his support team. Stop being selfish thinking how his actions or inactions are effecting you and start working on whats broken in him. Then you can build a stronger marriage.

I dont mean to sound attacking but I have been exactly where you are and it took a log time to realize how much I was hindering and emasculating him. If I can help or talk to you or be your b****ing post so you dont go off on him please pm me and ill send you my cell #. If you want your husband back theres hope but it has to start with you.......

 

mcwife86
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 9:12 AM

sounds like immaturity is rearing its ugly head. Honestly, its common sense that if one of you is working and the other isn't the one at home should take the majority of the house old chores. its pulling your weight in the relationship. Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you should both work AND keep the house up. The spending is bad. their should be a written budget where every cent has a "home' no just 'oh this is left over for whatever' money. if you want spending money it should be factored into the budget for each person. he should be adult enough to realise this. He also seems not to be able to talk to you abt things at all..which really is horrible because it will leave things unresolved, compound the resentment, and poison anything that could be good in this relationship. Here is the deal though hun. If he wont go to marriage therapy, if he wont have a serious adult conversation (not yelling match) abt the house, if ht wont have a serious budget that he sticks too, then you are going to have one of two choices. 1- stay with him until the kids are out of the house and just grin and take it or 2- serve him the divorce papers. you are doing most of it on your own right now anyways if i go by what you have written, i would just hate to see a family torn up by something that may have been fixed. perhaps telling him in a short to the point sentence what you expect to change would help. example "im getting tired of feeling so stressed out and alone in this. if you cant talk to me like an equal on what we can do together to make this work i am going to have to file for divorce and ill let you see the kids on the weekends. I don't deserve to feel like this anymore." then follow through with it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:19 AM

I had this same problem with my child's father. Only, in addition to being a jerk, not helping, and spending recklessly, he also would not shower or brush his teeth unless I nagged him. Furthermore, while I was pregnant, I caught him texting women he had met online on a dating website, and then messaging women on fb about meeting up when he went out of town. Thankfully, I didn't marry him and moved out instead. I am much happier now, less stressed, and I can focus all of my energy on my son instead of his mean, lazy father. Do what you think is best for you and your children. He will most likely never change. You deserve to be happy.

snickers1962
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:31 AM
1 mom liked this

i'm sorry.i hate to say this but i lived that way for 31 yrs.now i'm 50 and i'd give anything if i could get time back,instead i wasted my life being unhappy waiting on things to get better because i loved him.do some seriouse thinking and soul serching.everything should not be on your shoulders and noone should live without being happy,live is to short.GOOD LUCK!

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