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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

What do you do when your DH won't listen?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I'm fed up with DH. I love him but with the way things are now, I see divorce in our future. Every time I try to talk to him, all he does is get defensive. I try to tell him I'm unhappy and all he does is say "So what are you saying..you're gonna leave me? Well fine then, go ahead." The things I'm unhappy about is the lack of help from him, his irresponsibility with money and his temper. He doesn't hit me or anything, but if he's in a pissy mood, he gets mean. He also hardly ever helps around the house. He's laid off for the season but I still work M-F and I'll come home and he has maybe started a load of laundry or put the clean dishes away. That's it all day. Keep in mind, our kids are in school so he's home alone and that's still all he does. I always tell him he may help a little, but it isn't fair that I'm the only one who has to do the vacuuming, mopping or scrubbing the bathrooms. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. It really isn't even about the cleaning, but more about his lack of respect for my feelings and his laziness. Also, his money spending. He will buy cappuccinos at the gas station, get fast food, buy an energy drink..whatever it happens to be, yet it will equal $100 a month. It may not sound like much, but with him being laid off, things are tight and if you have to go without fun stuff for awhile because you don't have the extra money, then you don't. It's just part of being a grown up, but he doesn't care. I'm a very private person when it comes to my marriage so I'm not one to talk to family and friends about our issues. I love him, but he doesn't treat me right, doesn't appreciate me and I'm fed up. He's also done a lot of bad things to me but they're in the past as he would say.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 23, 2013 at 11:27 PM
Replies (31-40):
VannaMae307
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:34 AM

I went through this with my husband. I left him. He was begging me to come back after less than a week. I wish it hadn't come to that because I don't really care for giving ultimatums, but he is literally a whole new person now. "don't know what you've got til its gone" is really a true statement...maybe that's something you should think about.

strawberryLVR
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:15 AM

he could be depressed, when you are depresswed you have no motivations, bad mood, defensive etc.. so sorry. I know that counseling could help. I wish I had good advice for you! I teach essential oil classes and there are a few amazing ones for mood uplifting. I've seen some awesome results personally with a few in particular. let me know if you want info. HUGS

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:17 PM
I'm sorry, but you're way off. Maybe I should have been more specific, but this isn't because he's not working. He's only been laid off for 6 weeks. He has been like this for a long, long time, even when he IS working. I am unhappy because of the way he treats me. I'm sorry but I'm not gonna let to you tell me he can't help it.



Quoting dani0007:

Decide right now to love him or leave him.... he obviously feels like a failure not working and doesnt feel like a man right now. You keep telling him your not happy which your making his fault too. Oh and lets add "womans jobs" that he hasnt done and your yelling at him for. He might not be sexist but men are programmed a certain way and they cant help their programming. If your gonna give up on him give up already. If your not then support him its alot harder but you are his support team. Stop being selfish thinking how his actions or inactions are effecting you and start working on whats broken in him. Then you can build a stronger marriage.



I dont mean to sound attacking but I have been exactly where you are and it took a log time to realize how much I was hindering and emasculating him. If I can help or talk to you or be your b****ing post so you dont go off on him please pm me and ill send you my cell #. If you want your husband back theres hope but it has to start with you.......



 



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mygirls2012
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 4:40 PM

 


Quoting snickers1962:

i'm sorry.i hate to say this but i lived that way for 31 yrs.now i'm 50 and i'd give anything if i could get time back,instead i wasted my life being unhappy waiting on things to get better because i loved him.do some seriouse thinking and soul serching.everything should not be on your shoulders and noone should live without being happy,live is to short.GOOD LUCK!

I hear what you are saying I am 45 was with the ex for 20 years and if i brought up that i was unhappy and we needed to get counceling he would say ill go but if you throw me under the bus im done.. uum so we went and i was not allowed to say anything that bothered me, so my next step was divorce because i fell out of love for him and im happier now then i have been in 20 years..

 

Tsmommy106
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 5:56 PM

 I feel your pain. I work 10 hours, 5 days a week. I go to school, have a son I take care of all on my own (not my bf son), he has karate, boy scouts and his own homework. My bf has off Sunday and Monday, so all day Monday no one is home. He says he'll do this and that and gets nothing done. He sleeps in and then sits and watches TV all day. He can barely handle taking the dog out. I'm the first one up every morning, walk the dog, feed the animals, get my son up, fed and out the door. He then wakes up over an hour later, gets himself up and out the door. If I dare ask him to take the dog out, it's a huge, childish fit. Then the poor dog is not allowed to run around at all before she's locked up for the day while we work. The whole world should revolve around him. He seems to think if we're realxing (which I don't get to do much) I should be the one to get up to get him a drink. All attention should be on him as well. Like he gets jealous of my son taking me away from him and my homework for school. I'm sooo fed up with him as well. I understand, talking doesn't work, reasoning doesnt work and it's pretty much easier just to do it yourself then fight with him about it. If he's spending money he doesn't need to, and can't act grown up. Take his card away. He can't spend money with out your persmission. If he's going to act like a child, treat him like one. Give him a honey do list everyday. Focus on a room each day. He does his chores maybe he can have an allowance too.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 24, 2013 at 6:20 PM
He definitely doesn't respect me, but he does love me. I know he does. He's just immature and selfish. He can be really great at times. He's loving, affectionate, tells me I'm beautiful and thank me for the things I do. He can be a nasty jerk though when he's mad.


Quoting saumlei:

Sounds like he does not love or respect you. With kids and all its a tuff situation. I would feel the same way.


dani0007
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:01 PM

 mine was never laid off or not working that wasnt the point but whatever........


Quoting Anonymous:

I'm sorry, but you're way off. Maybe I should have been more specific, but this isn't because he's not working. He's only been laid off for 6 weeks. He has been like this for a long, long time, even when he IS working. I am unhappy because of the way he treats me. I'm sorry but I'm not gonna let to you tell me he can't help it.



Quoting dani0007:

Decide right now to love him or leave him.... he obviously feels like a failure not working and doesnt feel like a man right now. You keep telling him your not happy which your making his fault too. Oh and lets add "womans jobs" that he hasnt done and your yelling at him for. He might not be sexist but men are programmed a certain way and they cant help their programming. If your gonna give up on him give up already. If your not then support him its alot harder but you are his support team. Stop being selfish thinking how his actions or inactions are effecting you and start working on whats broken in him. Then you can build a stronger marriage.



I dont mean to sound attacking but I have been exactly where you are and it took a log time to realize how much I was hindering and emasculating him. If I can help or talk to you or be your b****ing post so you dont go off on him please pm me and ill send you my cell #. If you want your husband back theres hope but it has to start with you.......



 




 

MayTulipBerry
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:23 PM

aww! i'm so sorry yes this is very stressful! 

You need to talk to him but before you start the conversation let him know there will be no yelling no interuptions and he can not assume unless you tell him for lack of better words "it is ,what it is".  Explain to him that yes you are unhappy but if you wanted to leave you would have already done it. Secondly ask if he wants to leave if not then tell him to stop saying that all the time. Explain why you are unhappy from what i read he isn't doing much especially that he's home because if the shoe was on the other foot he'd be pissed off you aren't doing your part. As for money  Example only! ( my husband is a gamer dad we both know he buys games every once in a while just like he'll let me do my nails have lunch with friends and shop) so its fair but also let him know not to go crazy why buy out when you have food in the fridge? Believe me if he wants to resolve it he will listen and try to talk but remember not to lose it with him either no matter how frustrating it is. Listen to him and let him know you are talking to fix the problems so you both can be happier. You are not playing villians and victims. I wish you the best of luck it worked for me and my husband i wish the same for you. fingers crossed

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:40 PM

Hi, I read your post and I just wanted to offer some advice because your situation sounded a lot like the one I used to be in. I too am a private person and needless to say have a lot of pride so I understand not being able to talk to your family and friends. 

I was married once before and for two years I tried my best to make it work, my ex-husband and I were high school sweethearts, but he was a miserable man and nothing that I did nor told him would make him realize the type of person he was being towards me. He was selfish and would gamble most of our check away, he would belittle me, and was just overall not a very nice person. I tried everything, I tried being sweet, being mean, I tried not caring, but nothing worked until one day I left. I packed my stuff and left, now to honest with you, it wasn't like he had some epiphany right way, it took about 8 months before he realized what he lost, but you know what? Those 8 months were enough to make me realize what I was worth and how I wanted to be treated by a man. 

I changed my number, started my own career, found a great man whom I now have a beautiful daughter with.

I guess what I am trying to say is only you know what you can take. I understand you have children but I am positive that they would want their mom to be happy. I know it's scary but if you truly feel it in your heart that he is not going to change then you need to move on until he does, and if not at least you didn't spend even more years being unhappy. 

This quote helped me through my tough time making my decision: "there are two things that inspire change, inspiration and desperation" 


areyouatroll
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:47 PM
Write him a letter. That way he can think before he responds, and you guys aren't fighting and getting off track...

Show him the bank statements and receipts, add them up to show how much he is spending.
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