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Mom in desperate need of advice and direction

Posted by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:01 AM
  • 35 Replies

I feel like I am failing as a mom. And that I can't control my children. That I am not teaching them to be respectful good people. I dont know what to do any more. I feel like my 8 year old is out of control. He yells, hits, throws things, talks back, smarts off, very argumentative, disrespectful.  the whole nine yards. I have tried not yelling, yelling, taking things away, talking with him, making him go to bed earlyetc. and nothing seems to change.

Here is an example of what he does...last night he needed to do his math homework. He didnt want to do it. So and argument started. His homework is a 2-sided worksheet, so he tells me that he is only doing the first row of the first page. I told him that he was doing the whole worksheet (BTW he only has to do this once a week and has till Friday to complete it and hadnt done any of it even though I reminded him). So he got mad started slamming doors, throwing pencils, started yelling at DH and I when he didnt understand a problem. I ended up making him go to bed early for not listening and being disrespectful.

When he wants me to do something for him he wants it done then. Immediately. I started telling him that he needed to be patient. Most of the time when he would ask me to do something I would be in the middle of doing something. Now, when I tell him its time to get dressed brush teeth, he tells me in a second. Then when I tell him again, he tells me that I need to be patient. He throws my words back at me. I am starting to see my 4 year old develop the same behaviors.

This is just one inncident. The same thing happens with other things. I have asked him about controling his anger. He says he get frustrated and says he feel like he cant control it. Here's the kicker....he does not act like this at school. I have never been called or recieved a note regarding him acting like this at school. This morning I asked him when he gets frustrated at school why he doesnt act like that there. He said because the rules are different there. I explained to him that it is never a good choice to throw a pencil anywhere.

A few years ago I did take him to see a therapist. He had been telling me that he was going to kill me - he would say this after I had disiplined him. After he met with the therapist she told me he was very bright and looked at me like I had 3 heads - like I was making it up or something. I never took him back.

I dont know what to do. I feel lost. Like a horrible parent. I dont know where to turn or what to do. I feel like I am doing an awful job at trying to teach him to be a nice respectful person. What should I do at this point? I am desperate here.

by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:01 AM
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by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:04 AM
Maybe talk to his pediatrician? Make sure there isn't something mentally causing his anger?!
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by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:04 AM

time to go back to therapist 

by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:07 AM
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Find a different therapist, and if that one doesn't believe you-find another. Keep looking until you find someone to help you and your child.

by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:10 AM
1 mom liked this
Just a question but in the past have you given in to him? My son can act simular not to the exteem as yours but close but in the past I have given in to him ive let him wait or let him call the shots. If this is not the case I would deff do counsoling but it sounds as ur a softy as i am and maybe he just doesnt take u serious..good luck and i know its frustrating just put ur foot down and stand ur ground
by Platinum Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:10 AM

 I have an 8yr old daughter. Although she isn't violent or have temper issues, sometimes she does make me very angry because she is disrespectful and doesn't listen to me unless there's something she wants. For the most part she is a great kid, she gets good grades in school and she's very bright. I have found that consistency works the best. For example, if she doesn't speak to me respectfully, I don't respond to her- ever. It doesn't matter how much mad she gets or what she does, unless she comes to me with a good attitude I won't even look at her. She gets rewarded for good behavior with t.v. time and video game time. Not regular behavior doing things she should be doing anyway, like hanging up her coat or being polite, but things like going out of her way to help her brother and sister, cleaning up without me having to ask. Stuff that's out of the ordinary. Hope things start getting better for you!

by Platinum Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:11 AM

I'm so sorry, mama :( To me, it really does sound like  behavorial issue, and that the therapist you took him to didn't know what she was talking about. I know it can be hard going from doctor to doctor, especially when one is discouraging, but it will be best. See if the school or your pediatrician can make a recommendation for a good one.

My kids act very differently at home than they do at school, too. I think a lot of kids do. Something about the change in environment. Maybe you can try to dialogue with him what the rules at his school are, why he likes/adheres to them and not yours, and see if you can somehow integrate similar rules into the home? School is so scheduled - maybe that is what he needs. Specific times for things, frequent and consistent transitions from one activity to another, etc.

I hope everything works out, but stay strong! You're not a bad mother because you care!

by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Go back to a therapist.  Don't let them scare you off.  It is normal and even ADVISED for you to "shop" around for therapists until you find one you and your son connect with.  Also, keep a record of his behaviors.

It might help if you went to a parenting class as well.  I'm not saying you are a bad parent, but a class could help you pick and stick to a strategy, as well as help you possibly connect with other parents who are struggling.

For now, steady and consistent discipline, and don't let him know you are feeling like this.

by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:12 AM
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Whoop dat ass.

by Ruby Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:17 AM
My oldest is a bit younger-5. When she comes up to me, demanding this or that, and I am busy and she is impatient, I make her leave the room and come back in. When she comes back in, I tell her to ask me again, with a respectful tone. I then reply, I am busy, it will be a few minutes. If she continues to whine, into her room she goes.

You need to hold firm, also come up with some rules for the house. When they are disrespectful, or don't do what is expected of them, you need to yank some privileges. I would even start by taking the TV/computer out of his room.

When you get the backbone to step up (sorry lack of better term for it), the kids WILL fall in line.

It will take time and won't be instantaneous, but in the long run, when you change your habits, they will be more respectful, etc.

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by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:18 AM

 I was going to say slap the taste out of his mouth, but this is good too. lol

Quoting Anonymous:

Whoop dat ass.


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