S/O What is the point of teenage dating?

[Anonymous]

Another post in here got me thinking. What is the point of teenage dating?

Frankly, to me, teenage "dating" is more an introduction to sex and intimacy and emotions that hormone driven teenagers are not equipped to handle. Teenagers have no real purpose for dating, they aren't learning anything valuable in the process, they certainly aren't learning about "how to have a relationship" as a teenager (again with the hormones come the drama and garbage). Very few people end up marrying any of the people they dated during their teenage years.

In our family, someone starts dating for one reason, to get to know someone for the purpose of marriage and family. That is just our culture. So until you are ready (emotionally, physically, financially, etc) for marriage, there is no point in dating. Our children (17 and 16) are getting ready to start college and have never been on a date, they've never even asked to go on a date. They've had friends over for dinner or a movie night or game night but there's never been any dating.

Our children have no interest in dating. It's frequently a topic of conversation (usually because of posts like the one that got me thinking or things we see in the neighborhood or hear about) and our kids think dating as a teenager is really stupid because he (our oldest) thinks it leads to the serial marriages that are so common in this society (like, date, fall in love, fall out of love, start the process with someone new over and over again, leading to the same reaction in marriage - like, date, love, marriage, fall out of love, divorce, start over with someone new). He has friends who date and he has said that he thinks what they have been through, dating as teenagers, is more destructive to future relationships than his never having been on a date! So I do not understand. I did not date until I was 19. My DH did not date as a teenager but did when he left home and joined the Marines. He had 2 girlfriends before me but neither of us had sex until after we were married. We are still married 20 years later.

Teenagers are far from ready for marriage so why throw them into that mix? What is the purpose? What do you think it teaches?

[Anonymous]

Dating as a teen is more about having fun, learning about the opposite sex, and being trusted to make your own decisions. How can we expect children to just suddenly be legal adults at 18 without any life experience which includes the opposite sex? I would rather they go through heartbreak and even 20 different partners as teens and learn from their mistakes than do it as adults. I dated as a teen. I met my DH at 20. We have been married for 12 years.

[mrspeterrabbit]

I somewhat agree with you there op. I told mine that what is the purpose of you dating?(my girls) they said to have someone like you do daddy.....I said hmmmm. Well do you know what me and daddy do? They said yes.so your saying you want to have sex? They said oh no! So I said then what's the purpose in you dating...you date to have a relationship, but the boys you are going to be dating are probably gonna want to have sex......but your not! So again why date.wait till your older. Well they didn't....they went on a couple dates each but all the boys wanted was to have sex. We had already told them if a boy try and talk you out your drawers saying he love you or your the prettiest girl I've ever seen ect.....he ain't the one!Both are still virgins but understand exactly what I was saying.....teenagers have No business dating cause they are trying to be grown and aren't. Some of them get pregnant experimenting and thinking that's what they are supposed to do.....well its not! You are suppose to be in school learning..that's what your their for right? Trust and believe you two are not on the same page in dating...trust.

[AleaKat]

[Anonymous]

I am 34 and my hormones are still out of control, glad I learned to deal with them as a teenager. Especially while dating.

I was with my ex from 16-23, I learned a lot thankfully!

Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting JBiiirdD:

If you only date with the intention of marriage, you're setting yourself up for failure. JMO I never dated as a prerequisite to marriage. Ever. It was a chance to discover what type of relationship & man I wanted to settle down with.



ETA OP, what culture are you affiliated with that it's "taboo" to date?

Who said it was taboo to date? I did not. I said that teenagers do not need the emotional burden of dating before they are psychologically ready for that burden (i.e., their hormones aren't completely crazy).

I am from the culture of "there's a lot of crazy people in this country who are letting their kids have the control in the parent/child relationship and that is not happening in my house."

[bowribbonmama]

Well. I met my husband when I was 15, started dating when I was 16. Married at 2 days away from 20 and now (7 years laters) we are expecting our fourth child.
Dating doesn't always have to be sexual though.

[nanasue31204]

Dh and I met at 16/17, neither of us had ever dated, we both believed dating was to find the "one". Our families didn't teach us that, they actually wanted us to date several people before settling down but dh and I clicked. Our first date was on August 1, 1998, we missed curfew because we were talking and lost track of time. We talked about everything and anything, it was like we were made for each other. When I came home I told my mom he was the one, that I was marrying him, she laughed and said probably not. We spent the next 3 weeks spending every possible second together, didn't start kissing or making out until week 3, we just talked. He had to go home, I lived in FL and he was from ma, so we had to do the whole long distance relationship thing. It sucked but it forced us to get to know each other without the hormones getting in the way. We are.best friends first and foremost and that's got us through so much, the physical aspect of our relationship came later and is an added bonus. We are celebrating 15 years together this August, married 9, we never dated anyone else, never kissed or had sex with anyone else, never even thought of trying to be with someone else, we are truly soul mates and age had nothing to do with it. I think dating is too casual now and people rely on their physical attraction too much. Yes physical attraction is important but you must get along with the person too, get to know them before you jump in bed, if you don't want to spend every moment of the rest of your life with them, don't sleep with them because it messes up your judgment. I hope my 4 kids follow out example and wait until they are sure they have found their life partner before sex, they will hopefully see how happy their father and I have been and how special our marriage is because we waited for the one.

[KariC33]

I will remind you that love as no age. When you fall in love you fall in love no matter what age you are. Why couldnt a 16year old fall

In deep love? Just because they are young? They will learn what a relationship

Is and what heartbreak is like other ladies said. They will learn more about themselves too and what type of person they are
Looking for in their lifes. Who said you had to have sex to do that? Just like when you meet somebody you get to know them and learn about their personality no sex in that. When i was 16 i was that kind of person who would say just like your children "whats the point of dating when were still young and what are the odds that person will marry you" guess what at 16 i fell in love with a friend i knew quit awhile that i have lost touch with and i couldnt control it i mean when your in love yur in love but i was being smart about it and waiting long before giving my virginty to be sure. Guess what that guy is now my dh of 10years and we have a DD. And we are a happy family. So please dont judge

Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting ksueditz:

How to relate to the opposite sex w/o the restrictions of parents watching their every move. To discover what kind of person they would be interested in, as a partner.

But people change so much in just a few short years. I was a completely different person at 19 than I was at 16. Using that as a standard (how I was at 16) would have led me to the wrong person.

How does dating at 15 or 16 help you chose who you want as a life partner? At 15 or 16 most children do not know what they want for themselves let alone in someone else. So 2 teenagers cannot interact and learn about being with the opposite sex with parents around? Why not? (I'm not saying mom and dad should be in the same room all the time but I am certainly against two 16 year olds going out on a date, alone) Don't they get that interaction in school? Why should they have to be away from parents to figure out how to interact with the other sex (unless they are wanting to be away from parents for other reasons, i.e., sexual exploration)?

I'm sorry, I do not see any logic to your response. What is wrong with waiting until you are an adult and more ready (mature) to take on the emotional burdens brought about from dating? Why does this country insist on aging our children so quickly? On putting adult responsibilities on children who are not emotionally ready to carry that burden?

[Hanab818]

I learned a lot about who I was and what I wanted in the man i would marry when I dated in high school and college. I met my dh when I was 20 and because of what I learned about myself and what I expected/wanted in a spouse I knew he was the man I wanted to be with and have children with. I also learned how to build a relationship with him.

[Tara922c]

You make several valid points, but I still think I will allow my dd to date when she is a teenager. Now, I am not going to allow her to go out on a date at 13, but I will not forbid her from having a "boy friend" at school or see him in group settings. I will not, however, treat the relationship as if the two are going to get married and live happily ever after. I probably wont allow dd to go out on a real date until she 16, but I would still want her to go out in groups. At that age, I probably would allow the boy to come over for dinner, and I would allow her to go to his house for dinner. I would still not treat the relationship like it is going to evolveinto marriage. I want my daughter to discover what she likes in a man or what she doesn't like in a man. I don't want dd to marry the first guy she is allowed to go out on a date with (of course if that is who she falls in love with, by all means go ahead). I want my dd to know it is okay to date someone and end the relationship if it doesn't work out. To me, dating is getting to know a person. Dating exclusively (boyfriend/girlfriend) it means getting to know that person on a deeper level and promising not to pursue other people at the time. I would rather my dd date in high school and college and have a life of her own before she settles down and gets married. I would love for her to meet a nice boy, finish school, get married, and never have her heart broken, but I would rather have her heart broken at 17 than to be miserable in a marriage for the rest of her life. I know plenty of people that did marry their first loves and are perfectly happy, but I want dd to know it is okay not to marry the first man she meets.

[thetrollcat]

prom, dances? Hormnes? I mean seriously..... making a big deal on freaking dating?

Like I said about my seventeen year old... They are only dating, they are not getting married for petes sakes