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S/O What is the point of teenage dating?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

Another post in here got me thinking. What is the point of teenage dating?

Frankly, to me, teenage "dating" is more an introduction to sex and intimacy and emotions that hormone driven teenagers are not equipped to handle. Teenagers have no real purpose for dating, they aren't learning anything valuable in the process, they certainly aren't learning about "how to have a relationship" as a teenager (again with the hormones come the drama and garbage). Very few people end up marrying any of the people they dated during their teenage years.

In our family, someone starts dating for one reason, to get to know someone for the purpose of marriage and family. That is just our culture. So until you are ready (emotionally, physically, financially, etc) for marriage, there is no point in dating. Our children (17 and 16) are getting ready to start college and have never been on a date, they've never even asked to go on a date. They've had friends over for dinner or a movie night or game night but there's never been any dating.

Our children have no interest in dating. It's frequently a topic of conversation (usually because of posts like the one that got me thinking or things we see in the neighborhood or hear about) and our kids think dating as a teenager is really stupid because he (our oldest) thinks it leads to the serial marriages that are so common in this society (like, date, fall in love, fall out of love, start the process with someone new over and over again, leading to the same reaction in marriage - like, date, love, marriage, fall out of love, divorce, start over with someone new). He has friends who date and he has said that he thinks what they have been through, dating as teenagers, is more destructive to future relationships than his never having been on a date! So I do not understand. I did not date until I was 19. My DH did not date as a teenager but did when he left home and joined the Marines. He had 2 girlfriends before me but neither of us had sex until after we were married. We are still married 20 years later.

Teenagers are far from ready for marriage so why throw them into that mix? What is the purpose? What do you think it teaches?

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:29 PM
Replies (91-100):
MistyMoo
by Ruby Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 9:34 AM
People change a whole lot throughout their life time, even in adulthood. My mom is 65 and she isn't the same person she was 5 years ago. Things change, people change, everything changes. Change is inevitable.

Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting ksueditz:

How to relate to the opposite sex w/o the restrictions of parents watching their every move. To discover what kind of person they would be interested in, as a partner.

But people change so much in just a few short years. I was a completely different person at 19 than I was at 16. Using that as a standard (how I was at 16) would have led me to the wrong person.

How does dating at 15 or 16 help you chose who you want as a life partner? At 15 or 16 most children do not know what they want for themselves let alone in someone else. So 2 teenagers cannot interact and learn about being with the opposite sex with parents around? Why not? (I'm not saying mom and dad should be in the same room all the time but I am certainly against two 16 year olds going out on a date, alone) Don't they get that interaction in school? Why should they have to be away from parents to figure out how to interact with the other sex (unless they are wanting to be away from parents for other reasons, i.e., sexual exploration)?

I'm sorry, I do not see any logic to your response. What is wrong with waiting until you are an adult and more ready (mature) to take on the emotional burdens brought about from dating? Why does this country insist on aging our children so quickly? On putting adult responsibilities on children who are not emotionally ready to carry that burden?

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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 25, 2013 at 10:28 AM
*serial

Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting TattooedMomto4:

 Dating teaches many social skills. Not everyone has sex with everyone that they date and very rarely should anyone marry the first and only person that they date. Dating allows you the trial and error process of finding the right person. IMO, many times times (not always) those who marry the only person that they ever dated wake up when the kids are grown and realize there's something else out there and they'd like to find it. Those are generally the marriages that end seemingly out of nowhere and the adults are labeled as having a mid-life crisis when it reality they are finding themselves because they can. Those who have dated a few people before ending up with their spouse knows what's out there and they like what they have found and decide to be with them forever. That's just my opinion. I think that parental example tends to show more to a young person about marriages than starting to date young. My sons (who are 21, 22, 25 and 26) have seen their parents, who dated and had sex with other people before marrying (and they know we had previous relationships) getting ready to celebrate 28 years of marriage this year, after only knowing each other for 20 days. They have watched us have ups and downs, arguments and apologies and they have seen first hand what makes a marriage work. Those examples are what have molded them. Only 1 has a wife and children, the other 3 are not married (or dating at the moment, because they are in college and are working on getting their lives set before they start searching for someone that they want to marry). When they do get married they will follow the examples they have seen from their dad and I and nothing will pry them from their marriages, marriage to them is the ultimate commitment and you don't step in to in lightly.

I see the opposite.

I see my marriage (marrying the only man I dated) as being a success.

Those who date many (or even a couple) of people as teenagers are setting themselves up to have seriel relationships which sets them up for seriel marriages. I see those who date more people as being the ones that fail because they do not put all their energy into the relationship that is worth it. Instead they can just pack up and move on rather than working through problems.

We have a throw away society and, unfortunately, marriage has become one thing many will throw out. We throw out boyfriends, we through out spouses. Sad statement of fact, which is proven every day around CM.

JBiiirdD
by Platinum Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:10 AM
I'm from the same culture. I was raised "old school", but still went on outings with the opposite sex & I can guarantee you my hormones were not raging. I was too focused on getting into a good college, keeping on top of my academics & extracurriculars than worrying about raging hormones.

I suppose your kids will never attend prom then, huh? Or Sadie Hawkins? 'Cause that would REALLY go against the grain, the girls ask the guys. Or the Sweetheart Dance? Not even Homecoming? Yucky high school experience if you ask me.


Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting JBiiirdD:

If you only date with the intention of marriage, you're setting yourself up for failure. JMO I never dated as a prerequisite to marriage. Ever. It was a chance to discover what type of relationship & man I wanted to settle down with.



ETA OP, what culture are you affiliated with that it's "taboo" to date?

Who said it was taboo to date? I did not. I said that teenagers do not need the emotional burden of dating before they are psychologically ready for that burden (i.e., their hormones aren't completely crazy).


I am from the culture of "there's a lot of crazy people in this country who are letting their kids have the control in the parent/child relationship and that is not happening in my house."

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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:21 AM

How do you know your Kids are not interested in people and are dating behind your back. When I was in high school I had friends with parents like you who were in a few relationships behind their parents back. Some of them even had sex! That's natural. Nothing bad with experimenting. I had a friend who had a mom like you who told her relationships are stupid sex is bad blah blah blah and got pregnant because she could not even have the sex talk with her parents she was clueless. Her parents never talked to her about sex just told her sex is bad and that's all boys want. You can't stop your kids from dating or having sex. Sorry

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 25, 2013 at 12:02 PM
*testament

*scientific

Quoting Anonymous:

Then you obviously did not have a good relationship with your parents. The fact that you did many of the wrong things is a testiment to the fact that you may not have been communicating with your parents about those rules. We have an open and honest dialogue with our kids about why we have these rules and they understand our reasoning.

Friendships is different from dating. Friendships can be nurtured and guided with parental supervision (not saying mom and dad have to hang on every word but there's nothing wrong with a group of kids hanging out and watching a movie together with mom and dad a room or 2 away).

Dating is for the purpose of picking a mate (hate to sound sciency about it but that's what it is). Dating shouldn't be done until a person is ready for marriage and even then it should be taken slowly so the two know that it's love (and not lust like SO many relationships I have seen go down the drain). I am so happy that my mom had the rules she did. I've seen what happened to some of my friends and I am so glad I made much better choices because I was raised with guidelines and rules that were laid right out. That is how we are raising our children and I have watched my boys blossom from children to young men I am proud of. Young men who are getting ready for college and yet have never been on a date, yet they know they will get married some day, they will meet Mrs. Right, when the time is right and they are ready for it. In the meantime they just want to have fun and hang out with their friends (boys and girls), they just do so in a public environment and there is no appearance of impropriety.

Quoting ksueditz:

Why w/o parents? B/c I know my sons are not the same w/ me as he is w/ his friends. It has nothing to do w/ sexual exploration. But about finding confidence in themselves.

I was not allowed to do a lot of things as a teen, when I was finally allowed freedom, I jumped into many wrong relationships. I was so naive, I had no clue what I wanted. Or what I should expect.

I would prefer my children date while still living at home, where I can help guide and nurture their budding friendships.





Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting ksueditz:

How to relate to the opposite sex w/o the restrictions of parents watching their every move. To discover what kind of person they would be interested in, as a partner.

But people change so much in just a few short years. I was a completely different person at 19 than I was at 16. Using that as a standard (how I was at 16) would have led me to the wrong person.

How does dating at 15 or 16 help you chose who you want as a life partner? At 15 or 16 most children do not know what they want for themselves let alone in someone else. So 2 teenagers cannot interact and learn about being with the opposite sex with parents around? Why not? (I'm not saying mom and dad should be in the same room all the time but I am certainly against two 16 year olds going out on a date, alone) Don't they get that interaction in school? Why should they have to be away from parents to figure out how to interact with the other sex (unless they are wanting to be away from parents for other reasons, i.e., sexual exploration)?

I'm sorry, I do not see any logic to your response. What is wrong with waiting until you are an adult and more ready (mature) to take on the emotional burdens brought about from dating? Why does this country insist on aging our children so quickly? On putting adult responsibilities on children who are not emotionally ready to carry that burden?




Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 25, 2013 at 12:17 PM
Exactly! Women these days will divorce over any reason. He's late coming home? Divorce him! Not good in bed? Divorce him! Won't help give Billy a bath? Divorce him!


Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting TattooedMomto4:

 Dating teaches many social skills. Not everyone has sex with everyone that they date and very rarely should anyone marry the first and only person that they date. Dating allows you the trial and error process of finding the right person. IMO, many times times (not always) those who marry the only person that they ever dated wake up when the kids are grown and realize there's something else out there and they'd like to find it. Those are generally the marriages that end seemingly out of nowhere and the adults are labeled as having a mid-life crisis when it reality they are finding themselves because they can. Those who have dated a few people before ending up with their spouse knows what's out there and they like what they have found and decide to be with them forever. That's just my opinion. I think that parental example tends to show more to a young person about marriages than starting to date young. My sons (who are 21, 22, 25 and 26) have seen their parents, who dated and had sex with other people before marrying (and they know we had previous relationships) getting ready to celebrate 28 years of marriage this year, after only knowing each other for 20 days. They have watched us have ups and downs, arguments and apologies and they have seen first hand what makes a marriage work. Those examples are what have molded them. Only 1 has a wife and children, the other 3 are not married (or dating at the moment, because they are in college and are working on getting their lives set before they start searching for someone that they want to marry). When they do get married they will follow the examples they have seen from their dad and I and nothing will pry them from their marriages, marriage to them is the ultimate commitment and you don't step in to in lightly.

I see the opposite.

I see my marriage (marrying the only man I dated) as being a success.

Those who date many (or even a couple) of people as teenagers are setting themselves up to have seriel relationships which sets them up for seriel marriages. I see those who date more people as being the ones that fail because they do not put all their energy into the relationship that is worth it. Instead they can just pack up and move on rather than working through problems.

We have a throw away society and, unfortunately, marriage has become one thing many will throw out. We throw out boyfriends, we through out spouses. Sad statement of fact, which is proven every day around CM.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 25, 2013 at 12:21 PM
Kids who have healthy relationships with their parents don't feel the need to go behind their backs. Mind you I said HEALTHY.


Quoting Anonymous:

How do you know your Kids are not interested in people and are dating behind your back. When I was in high school I had friends with parents like you who were in a few relationships behind their parents back. Some of them even had sex! That's natural. Nothing bad with experimenting. I had a friend who had a mom like you who told her relationships are stupid sex is bad blah blah blah and got pregnant because she could not even have the sex talk with her parents she was clueless. Her parents never talked to her about sex just told her sex is bad and that's all boys want. You can't stop your kids from dating or having sex. Sorry


ArianEponae
by Silver Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 12:27 PM
Dating helped me understand that people grow, and they change. I learned what kind of changes I could handle and which ones I wouldn't.

Some teens aren't the same in front of their parents. Maybe because they are extremely judgmental or overbearing...
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HotMommaStout
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 12:49 PM

I started dating my husband when I was 16, and he was 17. We have been together for 13 years, married for almost 9(March 6th is our anniversary)years, and we have three kids.

To me, as a teenager dating WAS about trying to find the right person to marry and settle down with. I always knew that I wanted to marry young, and be a housewife and mom. That has always been my goal in life.

To sustain a healthy relationship at any age you have to be emotionally mature and sometimes selfless. We also dated long distance for most of that time, and a lot of adults cannot even maintain long distance relationships. We got engaged when I was 19 and married when I was 20. We changed over the years, but we changed together and shaped each other into the people we have become, which I personally believe has strengthened the bond between us exponentially. 

That being said, we both knew fairly early on in our relationship what we wanted out of life, and what our goals were as a couple. It's true that your brain is still maturing at that age and your judgement but that doesn't mean that some teenagers aren't capable of maintaining a healthy, happy long term relationship.

bexsmum
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:13 PM

I believe that all kids mature at different rates and dating come with that maturing mind. Little kids on the playground tend to seperate by sex for most cases. Little girls are playing with a skipping rope while the boys are climbing the trees. I dont stereotype boys and girls I have both. BUT they seperate them in sports ie girls softball and boys baseball,boys and girls soccarI could go on. When our kiddo reach ther teen yrs they more chances to interact on a social level with the opposite sex high school being one place. I know my kids have always had friends of the opposite gender. They hang out at the house go the movies out tobagganing or skating. The girls go watch the guys play football and wear thier jerseys and numbers on thier face. Its all part of the growing up process. Yes my kids have dated in highschool and yes I have seen heart break BUT it gets them ready for the real world where everything is not roses and candy. 

I know at my kids highschool they tend to hang out in groups and very rarely go on single dates. You know who the couples are and they tend to be long term not serial dating as they know each opther and spent time together with each others families before becoming a couple. Maybe thats because its a small school and the boys are very protective of THIER girls and not just the girlfriends they don't let anything happen or let anyone near any of them if they are from that school. Maybe its the jock attitude that peremates this whole school but the girls are to be protected and not used as is a common theme in serial dating or the hooking up idea that is very common in highschool.



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