What do you think about gentle discipline?

[Anonymous]

I made a post venting about my sis's kids who are gentle disciplined. They are brats! But she is the only person I personally know who does this, or at least calls it that, so I can't judge the whole thing based on her kids.

Do you use gentle discipline?

Here's a definition for those who are unfamiliar:
" Gentle Discipline is a style of discipline based on mutual respect. Parents who use gentle discipline avoid punishments such as spankings, slapping, time-outs and shame. Instead, gentle discipline focuses on helping children work through difficult emotions and frustration in a supportive and empathetic environment and using discipline as a method of teaching children instead of simply punishing them for misbehaviour."

So basically, you don't ever yell or punish or give consequences. Instead you sit down and talk with them about why they are acting the way the are, etc.

Personally, it wouldn't work in my family. I believe that negative behavior comes with negative consequences. We do time outs or take away a favorite toy for an evening. Dessert after dinner is a privilege not a right in my house. We are not against spanking but very rarely feel we need to do it. My 6 yo ds has been spanked three times...once for lying to me and twice for throwing public tantrums. I respect my children, I love to hear their opinions and I always try to honor their reasonable requests but they do not run my house. Dad and I are in charge and we get the final word. Not saying this works for every family but it sure works for ours!

What is your take on gentle disciple?

[SoKamele]

 I believe in gentle discipline...........after the real discipline.

[RobinBright]

Gentle discipline does not mean there are no consequences.  Natural consequences are often the most effective part of a system of gentle discipline.  Talking to your children about their behavior, what caused it, why it is unacceptable, and what to do better next time--- that's all part of ANY good parenting approach, not something that only exists within a gentle approach.  Even with time outs, loss of privileges, etc, all parents should be having that conversation with their children consistently.  Those who don't are doing a disservice to their kids.  

Talking certainly makes more sense than hitting. 

[Kaelaasmom]

 There is a time for gentle discipline, and there is a time for consequences. The trick is knowing the difference.

[ksueditz]

We use time outs for the younger3. We use 3 strikes you're out, w/ the older 2. (3 strikes you lose something; phone, video game or friends) have only passed 2 one time. I don't spank, slap or shame. I do use reasoning and discussion to get my point across. I don't think that's gentle discipline??

[Kmary]

I think it could probably work just fine for some kids.  I'm curious if your sister is following it exactly.  I don't use it per se, but I'd say my style is similar.  I'm a HUGE believer in learning through natural consequences.  This can come off as looking like lazy or too gentle, but within reason, it works very very well.  And yeah I know everyone says this about their kids, but honestly my kids are very, very well-behaved.  My sons' teachers etc. agree and we're the type of people who get a lot of compliments from strangers about how well behaved they are in public, etc.  Seems to work for us, but I don't think discipline is one size fits all, you know?

[Fallaya]

I am in the middle I guess. I have one child, so it's not a problem for me to sometimes talk with her about her bad behavior instead of doing time out/loss of privileges. Discipline doesn't always mean punishment. Hitting/shaming are definitely not things I would consider. My dd is far from being a "brat".

[ksueditz]

Ok this is a better example of what gentle discipline is really about. The definition OP gave seemed rather broad to me.

Quoting RobinBright:

Gentle discipline does not mean there are no consequences.  Natural consequences are often the most effective part of a system of gentle discipline.  Talking to your children about their behavior, what caused it, why it is unacceptable, and what to do better next time--- that's all part of ANY good parenting approach, not something that only exists within a gentle approach.  Even with time outs, loss of privileges, etc, all parents should be having that conversation with their children consistently.  Those who don't are doing a disservice to their kids.  

Talking certainly makes more sense than hitting. 

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

I absolutely agree that no matter what style of discipline you choose it should involve talking about why the behavior is unacceptable, why the child felt a need to act and what can be done to make sure it doesn't happen again in the future.

When I send mine to time out, let's say for talking back to me, I'll say something like, "Why did you speak to me like that? It was very rude." Ds will usually mumble something non commital. "Well, I think you need spend a few quiet minutes thinking about what you need to say to me. I want you to go sit in the hall for five minutes." He does it and when his time is up I go to him and he'll apologize. I'll accept his apology but warn him that if it happens again he will be losing a privilege and I always follow through.

I think that if you can get through to your kid just by talking to them then that's great but there comes a point when you have to make a consequence if the same behavior is happening over and over again.