How do I get past an emotional affair?

[Anonymous]

Let me start out by saying that my fiancee and I have an agreement that we are both allowed to play online/via text with other people. I know some of you think that is wrong, and that i deserve this for allowing it. We are allowed to play sexually, but it is to stay text based, and not be an emotional attachment.

October of 2011 I went to go put a note in my df's phone to say Happy Sweetest Day, and instead found texts of him playing with this girl i knew he had been involved with online and such. In this role play, they had said I love you to each other. I was quite upset and confronted him about it. He basically said that he had gotten carried away with the rp, that he did not have those feelings for her, and it wouldn't happen again. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but decided to just try to chalk it up to a misunderstanding, and move on.

Fast forward to July of 2012. I had been randomly looking in his phone, which he knew and hadn't had a problem with, and again found a role play that they were saying i love you. I was heartbroken and very upset. I took a bit of time to think about it, and then confronted him. I had seriously contemplated leaving him over this, but made the choice to try and work it out. We have 3 children he is an amazing father to, and other than this one thing, had always been a great boyfriend/fiance. When i confronted him, he offered to cut all ties with this girl, and did so a few days later. He has given me pretty much full disclosure with his phone, online accounts and such, and I'm pretty sure he has not contacted her since. It still hurts me, and he is still trying to earn back my trust, but we have been working on it together.

Now a few weeks ago she tried contacting him again via text. He told her that she knew they weren't supposed to be talking, ended the conversation, and told me about it. I'm glad he was honest about it, but it bright all those hurt feelings back to the surface and I am now trying to deal with them again. I never talked to this girl after all this went down, but I am now thinking about confronting her, letting her have it, telling her she is never to contact my fiancee again, and seeing if that gives me any closure about the situation.

I know many of you will just tell me to leave. Maybe I'm stupid and naive, but I'm not going to do that. I love this man with all my heart, and I wasn't to get past this and spend the rest of our lives together and raising our kids. If anyone has been through something similar, feel free to give me any tips. I would say no bashing, but I know that won't happen.

[Anonymous]

.......well.......hmm.....I got nothin.

[2ltlmonkeyz]

I am confused play online ? So like you just talk to starngers and never meet them and basically have phone sex ?

[Anonymous]

Yeah...

What do you want to hear, man?  You guys need to redefine your relationship with new boundaries.  That's the on.y way to save this fandango.

[3_girls_86]

That's the risk you take when you ok someone to talk to others like that..he's trying to make it up to you..he told her that they can't talk anymore. If she tries to contact him again then talk to her.

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

Role play. Either on a game like second life, or via text. Both of us have very high sex drives and the other isn't always available. He drives a semi, and I'm home with the kids. Or schedules don't always mesh to beable to play together. In 5 yrs, this is the only issue we have had with the arrangement.

Quoting 2ltlmonkeyz:

I am confused play online ? So like you just talk to starngers and never meet them and basically have phone sex ?

[davnrori]

 No, I wouldn't leave him. It's not like this was a physical thing. It didn't go from texts to a hotel or something. You're right, you did bring this on yourself. Why would you be okay with sexual things but 'I love you' bothers you?

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

The boundaries have always been clear, and he crossed them. He has been trying to make up for it since, but I'm having trouble getting past it and not letting it get to me. I want to put it in the past, I'm just not sure how to do that.

Quoting Anonymous:

Yeah...

What do you want to hear, man?  You guys need to redefine your relationship with new boundaries.  That's the on.y way to save this fandango.

[Anonymous]

It's just one of those things that you will have to deal with... while you did allow the playing, DH should have known better than to say I love you to someone else... confronting the girl might feel nice, but it won't solve anything...

now that you know DH is handling it properly and shut this girl out... and reminded her that she's shut out... you might just ask him to handle it and not tell you if the girl contacts him again... just trust in DH, because the reminders are what will make it harder to get over... if it goes away it's easier to forget about it... I don't think you should leave, b/c it sounds like you have a good, strong, trusting relationship, and it sounds like you DH is NOT a douche, since he is apologetic and doing the right thing by telling you that she contacted him

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

There is a big difference between sex and love. Him getting his rocks off by taking to someone else is different than having an emotional connection with them. He( and the girl) knew this, and what we had agreed was acceptable and what wasn't.

Quoting davnrori:

 No, I wouldn't leave him. It's not like this was a physical thing. It didn't go from texts to a hotel or something. You're right, you did bring this on yourself. Why would you be okay with sexual things but 'I love you' bothers you?

[LilliesValley]

Well you've both learned the lesson of just because it isn't physical doesn't mean its not going to affect your relationship. I don't personally think you can get over something like this because of exactly what you are talking about, which is that you keep or from time to time think about this. Maybe you need to sit down and discuss and redefine being able to do things such as this. I'll be honest I don't really get the idea behind flirting with someone via txt or internet. In personal is one thing but even in personal I wouldn't flirt any more with someone than I would with dh there. Maybe you should try this. Don't say or do something with someone you wouldn't do with tour df right there and he should do the same. Beyond that I don't know what to suggest because this would never have been ok with me and I would have left.