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I'm having alot of trouble with my daughter. She is 5 years old and a huge brat. She won't listen to me at all, I tell her to go play and she says " well I don't want to, it's not my cup of tea right now" and ill tell her that if she doesn't she gets a spanken, corner time or her playroom shut down, and all she says is " I don't want to do any of those and I want to do what I want" and then I get so angry that I yell and say things I don't mean. I then feel bad for it. I don't know what to do, I've taken away her toys, spanked her, put her in the corner, behavior charts, everything and nothing works. I have a 7 month old son also and she loves him so much but she is always up in his face and won't listen when I tell her to get away. She listens to my husband but is still getting lippy with him. She talks back, she's very bossy, she has very few friends because she bully's them, she is always loud and obnoxious. I get so mad at her and I get this feeling inside that I just want to take my son and leave but I can't because I love her so much but don't know how long I can take it. I feed her, I bathe her, I make sure she has clothes and a roof over her head and she has tons of toys. I just want her to listen and be a nice, loving, sweet little girl but she's full of spite and meanness and sometimes likes to be nice and loving but I don't want to be around her after she's mean to me, she will call me names and fat and I suck at cooking, etc and it hurts. As a baby she didn't like to be held or touched and was a very crabby and fussy baby but through all that I held her and loved her and made sure she was happy so I don't know what happened. I'm not consistent, my mom and sad never where either. But I was told to be consistent but its soooo hard. She is very smart and has been able to read since 3. She now can sound out words in her head and write them down. I love her so much and just want us to stop fighting and get along because I don't want her to hate me and I don't want to end up not liking her. I'm not sure what I'm expecting out of posting this but I just need to talk to someone that could possibly give me some advice on what to do. Thank you for listening sometimes it helps to get it out.
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by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 1:27 PM
Replies (51-60):
robyann
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 2:48 PM
2 moms liked this

 You said you get mad and say things you don't mean, she just may be getting her lippiness from you. She is acting like you, she has learned your way of dealing with things. I'm not saying this to hurt you or put you down, just to make you aware. So first you have to change the way you react to her.

Now you have tried so many ways to get her to behave, that is part of the problem. You have to pick one, pick whatever form or discipline you want to use. Say you use time-out, every single time she misbehaves she has to sit in time out for 5 minutes. Use this same punishment every single time. Also remember to pick your battles. Use punishment for the behaviors that are the worst, deal with those first. Try to teach her it is ok to express your feelings, but the attitude is the problem.

She is acting out so much because you have allowed her to think she is in control, and that makes kids very uneasy and insecure. They need to know that their parent/s are in control so they can feel safe.

I hope you'll take this advice as it is intended, only to help you. :) GL

typingMom to 6~MawMaw to 9 & counting!

ButterMeUp
by Butters on Jan. 27, 2013 at 3:31 PM
Umm? WTF? Overreact much!

Quoting Lunarprancer:

No, it was being totally lippy.  Stfu.

Quoting ButterMeUp:

You said she said playing wasn't her cup of tea. That would be fine with me. That wasn't being lippy, she was expressing her feelings.



Quoting Xander2212:

It's not spanking her for not playing its for not listening and being snotty. I don't like spanking at all but sometimes it needs to be done. I don't soank her for not playing, if she doesn't want to play its fine but all she has to do is just listen or say what she has to say nicely. Why the heck would I spank her for not playing? She is snippy and lippy, what would you do? Would you give in and let her walk all over you like she already does to me. I'm not going to do what most parents do and give their kids everything they want and turn out to be worse and the parents bow to everything theirs kids say, who's the parent in that situation.







Quoting ButterMeUp:

You lost me at threatening to spank her for not playing. It sounds like you're the problem, not her.



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thetrollcat
by Meow on Jan. 27, 2013 at 3:31 PM

google the world enabling

Roo1234
by Platinum Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 3:40 PM
1 mom liked this
Have you tried focusing on what she does right?
Praise and reward the good behavior and (temporarily) ignore the bad that isn't dangerous. You may find that if you pay attention to her in positive ways she will seek more of that kind of attention making the task of changing and redirecting her behavior easier because she will want it and be driven to please you. .
Anonymous
by Anonymous 10 on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:24 PM
1 mom liked this

I wish I knew why my boys are so much more laid back, where as my daughter is extremely high strung... She honestly is as much work as two or three times of what my son is. :( She is my only girl and last child.

I really have no support. Luckily no one has called her a brat, yet. She has to have things done her way. Period. She has been this way from the day she was born.  

LACHESIS
by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:30 PM

I am putting my daughter into pre-school. ATM, she does not want to go... period :( I am debating on having her do pre-school a second year, even though she is 4 (5 in April). 

Quoting Xander2212:

Thank you for being supportive she is not in school yet. Her bday was at the cut off so she has to wait, I would love her to go to school. I've heard it helps alot.

~Rachel in AZ (formally from Southeast Alaska)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Mom to Joey,  Aiden and Lydia "Irish Twins"

Xander2212
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:51 PM
I like the way you do things that's really cool. Thank you. Ill have to try it, but girls are much harder than boys that's what I see.lol


Quoting Devious333:

Ds was well behaved at 3. Then he turned 5. Just you wait....lol.



Quoting brittany208:

A few very small suggestions bc I don't have one good answer...



When I want DS (he's 3) out from underfoot, I don't punish him (even if he is really getting on my nerves at the moment). I go to his room with him and help him find something by giving him a couple suggestions. "Do you want to play with your farm? your dump truck?" or I might entice him with cartoons. Sometimes he says "No. Nothing" and I say "That's fine. You can do nothing." and within a few minutes he's bored and off looking for something to do.



When he doesn't listen to me, I give him a choice. "Will you *insert what I asked him to do* or i will you *insert consequence*?" Usually he listens. When he doesn't, I say "I see you have CHOSEN to have whatever consequence" and he does. I try not to do it was a punishment, per se, but a natural consequence that he has chosen.



I also try to ask him to do things I know he won't like before we do something he will. For example, I know he wouldn't want to hop up from toys to go potty. But if I say "Hey, do you want to go outside and play? Okay, go pee first and then we'll go!" He runs to go potty so he can go outside. It's not that I'm rewarding him for doing things, just asking at a time he is most likely to listen. If I want him to clean up his toys before bed, I'll say "Ready for two stories? Okay, lets get these toys picked up real fast then we'll snuggle in bed for stories"



I don't yell often and I never, ever say mean things EVER. I don't see it as my job to punish, but to teach. I stay very calm and give him a choice to listen or not. I 100% expect that he WILL listen to me. We are working on him listening the first time.



Temper tantrums are an automatic time-out. If he hits me (which he NEVER does), he gets an automatic spanking (which is WHY he doesn't hit me, he knows what will happen). I have very high expectations.



One rule we just implemented in my house is DS can pick what he likes to eat for breakfast, but he eats what I make for dinner. The reason is--it gives him some control and say at a time that I really don't care, but it teaches him that he can't always have things his way. At dinner time, he eats what he is served.



Another thing I love to do with him is baking. It teaches him to listen to directions and to be patient. If he stirs or adds anything without me telling him first, he is done helping. (Imagine trying to bake cookies, and he dumps baking soda in it!) So he knows to sit and wait til I tell him what to do.



Also, I tell him what I expect of him BEFORE we go someplace. For example, on the way TO the restaurant we go over what he will and will not do. He knows he WILL sit in his seat and not get up, he WILL NOT say "don't like that" etc etc. Then, we arrive with the behaving mindset, instead of him misbehaving because he didn't know that restaurants have different rules than at home.



I don't know if this is helpful at all. It's just a bunch of things I do/ways I parent. They work really well for us. DS is VERY well behaved (most of the time. he is still a kid lol).


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Anonymous
by Anonymous 11 on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:55 PM


This. After threats of spanking I stopped reading. 

Quoting ButterMeUp:

You lost me at threatening to spank her for not playing. It sounds like you're the problem, not her.



strictmomhere
by Ruby Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:57 PM
1 mom liked this
Hugs maybe get her therapy:)
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Xander2212
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:57 PM
Thank you, you are absolutely correct on everything u just said and I'm not mad for what you said because its all true , I know I'm not perfect. But my daughter is mean, even her dr said she's going to be a bully and I'm trying to change that. I love her and want what's best but don't know really how to be the best I can be. Thank you for your response at least you weren't as mean as the others and point fingers you actually stated facts and I like that


Quoting SamiJ18:

I don't think the problem is with her, I think it is with you.  I mean this in the nicest way possible I just don't know how to word this delicately.  

You seem to be a nitpicker.  The type of person that nags over every little thing.  When it isn't done your way or immediately, then you keep the situation going.  It's not about winning here.  This is your DD, your flesh and blood.  You need to understand that she is 5.  She is trying to assert her authority, she is still learning about the rules and she doesn't have a full understanding of the family dynamic yet.  She doesn't understand that you are the boss, probably because she cannot take you seriously.  She sees that she can make you angry in a snap.  Also, threatening and doing are two totally different things.  When your child is doing something wrong, there should be no "I'm going to..." about it.  Also, praise more and punish less.  I'm sure some of the "lip" she is giving you isn't really worth a fight. 

Have you tried talking with her?  If she is as sharp as you have made her out to be, you may be able to reason with her.  

Have you tried ignoring her?  Most kids HATE that.  You don't need to have a reaction to every little thing.  You need to learn how to let things roll off your back.  Take care of business and let it go.  Punish her if necessary but, letting the situation escalate to yelling and saying things you don't mean does no one any good.

THAT is another problem.  You let her get the best of you.  She WANTS to make you mad.  She WANTS to push you around.  By you yelling and letting it get to the point of saying things you don't mean, you are setting a terrible example for her in conflict resolution.  

You have to learn to ignore her words and focus on punishment.  She gives you lip?  Don't say anything back.  Just tell her it is disrespectful and punish her.  No threats, no yelling, just punish and walk away.  If she continues, prolong the punishment but do not react.  Be smart, calm and collected.  Show her that she can't manipulate you. 

By you yelling, you are only fueling the fire.  Not only are you showing her it's okay to hurt others because you're hurt (hence the bullying), you are also feeding into the resentment you seem to carry toward her.

You also seem to be extremely protective of the little brother.  Understandable, but she is your baby too.  Kids can pick up on things like that.  


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