Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Husband doesn't think he's bribing the kids...but just gave our 9 year old a dollar to empty the dishwasher this morning...

Posted by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:24 PM
  • 20 Replies

I'll try to keep this brief. About two years ago DH thought it was time for our oldest to start getting an allowance. I've always felt it was kind of dumb to give allowances. If a kid needs money, then parents are there to give them money if they deem it appropriate. However, DH said we should pay our daughter to do chores, and if she doesn't do them or half-does them she doesn't get part or all of her allowance. We disagreed for a while before I said, okay, let's give it a try. Naturally, it went the way I thought it would. It didn't bother her to not get paid for chores, she'd flat out refuse to do them and say "Well, you'll buy me the things I need anyway." So the allowance ended and chores continued with different consequences for not doing them.

Her chores consist of feeding and watering the pets every day (we have two dogs, two cats, two birds, and a tankful of fish), she scoops the kitty litter every day (except Saturday when DH or I completely change it out), and she empties the trash as needed. That's it. Well, this morning I was getting ready for the day and DH asked our daughter to empty the dishwasher and reload it with the breakfast dishes. She started doing it and then he gave her a dollar. When I came out of my bedroom I saw what she'd done and was praising her and thanking her and she holds up the dollar and says "Daddy gave me this for doing the dishes!"

My DH and I have talked and talked about this and he doesn't think it's bribing--he thinks it's rewarding our children for their good behavior. I strongly disagree. When our daughter goes above and beyond for me, I buy her a new book, he thinks this is bribing too. And maybe it is, but when I say above and beyond I don't mean doing one household task, like putting dishes away. I mean things like, one day I was extremely sick and when she got home from school she took her three little sisters into the kitchen, got them snacks and set them up at the table with crayons and coloring books and kept them entertained for two hours while I was either vomitting or feeling like I was going to. I got her a new book for that.

I just think it's sending the wrong message to our kids to pay them to help out around the house. But he's constantly bribing them with money or promises of taking them for ice cream if they do this or that. By the way, I did not take the dollar away from our oldest. So am I wrong? Is DH? Or is there actually a middle ground to be found here?

by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:24 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
happykitty316
by Platinum Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:31 PM

I don't know....We pay our kids for doing extra things.  Like raking leaves or washing walls.  I don't pay them for folding laundry or cleaning rooms because those are chores.  But sweetening the deal to get them to do extra things, I'm not above that.

SweetPea2004
by Platinum Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:33 PM

I think it was wrong to give her stuff/money on top of chore money originally.

momtolittleg
by Platinum Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:36 PM



Quoting happykitty316:

I don't know....We pay our kids for doing extra things.  Like raking leaves or washing walls.  I don't pay them for folding laundry or cleaning rooms because those are chores.  But sweetening the deal to get them to do extra things, I'm not above that.

Yep.  This is me.  I take advantage of bribery. 


Kaelaasmom
by Katie on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:38 PM

 I have been known to give my kid a buck or two to do a chore I don't want to, like matching socks.

CafeMom Tickers
MamaMoopsie
by Silver Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:38 PM

 The chore money stopped about a year ago because she would flat out refuse to do chores because she didn't care if we gave her money. She knew we'd always get her everything she needed and she really doesn't want for anything.

I felt rewarding excellent behavior with a book was a better idea because 1) it keeps her reading instead of trying to zone out in front of the TV and 2) it's at my discretion. She doesn't EXPECT a book for good behavior, she is always surprised when I give her a book. She used to EXPECT money for chores done, and way back when she was in Kindergarten DH started bribing her to behave in class (she was a talker and always getting in trouble) by taking her out for ice cream after school. Well, then one day I just didn't have the money to take her out for ice cream and she threw a fit about it and said "Why should I be quiet in school if I don't get icecream?"

That's my problem is that I don't want them to EXPECT "rewards" or whatever just for doing things to be decent people or to help out around the house.


Quoting SweetPea2004:

I think it was wrong to give her stuff/money on top of chore money originally.


 

s.osborne
by Gold Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:39 PM

This is kind of different for me because as a child, we were expected to do chores every week (I grew up military). Then again, if we went somewhere with friends we always got money to spend. If we did very large extra chores, we got rewarded with things like trips to the zoo or trips to the movies or something. My DS is only almost 4 and only has to clean his room and pick up his toys and never asks for anything in return, but my DF's father and grandfather (who are loaded beyond belief) give my DS dollars everytime they see him just because.

KrissyKC
by Platinum Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:39 PM

We set up chores and allowance seperately.

Chores are responsibilities for being a part of the family... if kids don't want to do their chores, they may pay some one else to do it.   If the chore isn't done correctly, though, the kids who's chore it is does it again until it's done right.   They do not get driven to their friends' houses, permission to go anywhere, etc.. unless chores are done reasonably.

Allowance...   allowance is the spending money that the family shares out of our excess as a family.   DH and I buy a soda when we want one, so we decided to give the kids a small portion of our spending money as their own spending money.   This is not contingent on chores.

Now, I can offer to pay extra for jobs or if they need more money, they can SEE if we have jobs for them to do to earn money.

Once they are out of their spending money, they don't get any more otherwise.

We also don't buy them the things they want/need... except for the bigger purchases they require.


lovinglife0682
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:39 PM
We pay for chores. Our oldest also can earn tech time with extra chores. Adults do their job for money.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:44 PM
I see nothing wrong with allowances. But I give it according to my dd's behavior and chores. I think it teaches them responsibility and will help them become hard workers in the future. However, my dd does not require money to do what I am asking of her, she knows better than that. I just give it because I have her purchase what she wants at the store so she can learn about money and change. It helps with her math. :-)
MamaMoopsie
by Silver Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:44 PM

 That's how I grew up too, we weren't military, but we were required to do chores. If we went out with friends our parents would give us some spending money, but generally not a lot.


Quoting s.osborne:

This is kind of different for me because as a child, we were expected to do chores every week (I grew up military). Then again, if we went somewhere with friends we always got money to spend. If we did very large extra chores, we got rewarded with things like trips to the zoo or trips to the movies or something. My DS is only almost 4 and only has to clean his room and pick up his toys and never asks for anything in return, but my DF's father and grandfather (who are loaded beyond belief) give my DS dollars everytime they see him just because.


 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)