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Miscarriages and funerals? *ETA *Update*

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
A friend of mine just found out her 12 week old fetus has no heartbeat. She's going to get induced tomorrow. She said on Facebook that they're having a funeral for the baby, and she needs help planning it.





Now, I feel for this woman. I've lost a baby too. But I've never heard of anyone having a funeral for a 12 week old fetus. I'm willing to go along with whatever makes her feel better, but I'm not sure if everyone else will. I'm worried people will be rude to her about it...





So, my question is, have any of you ever had, or known someone who has had, a funeral for a miscarriage? If so, how did you/they do it? What were people's reactions?



ETA: I suggested to her that, if they let her have the fetus, that she should have it cremated and scatter the ashes or have some put into a necklace or something. What do you think of that idea?

*Update: okay, so the did induce her, and she delivered the baby, but had to have a d&c for the placenta. They named him, had photos taken, got the hand and footprints, and had the baby released to a funeral home, where they're going to have him cremated, and have a small private ceremony. They also had an obituary published in all the local papers, and put the photos in a private album on Facebook. I guess everyone handles their grief differently. I just couldn't imagine putting all that out there. But don't worry, I'm going along with everything and being super supportive. Just wanted to update everyone who was interested...
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:23 PM
Replies (61-70):
ColleenF30
by Lube Girl on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:43 PM

My 39 week stillborn I was required to bury (in Ohio). I had planned to anyway, but that was explained to me before the c-section. It was small and family only. Rather informal.


Quoting finnbar:

Yeah but what about babies past the point of viability (23 weeks or thereabouts) who are born sleeping? I see people have beautiful funeral services for these born dead children complete with coffins and in regular graveyards


Quoting Abby.N.Amys.Mom:

You cannot have a death certificate without a live birth.  A miscarriage is NOT a live birth, especially with a fetus that young.

Quoting finnbar:

I am not sure this process has been properly explained to your friend. I do not think the state will issue a death certificate for a baby that young. And without a death certificate you cannot have a legal burial.

If she wants the body she needs to wait til her body naturally expels it at home.





Bauxite-17
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:43 PM

I wouldn't have a funeral. Thats just weird. But I gues its how some people deal.

Action_Jaxon
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:43 PM
a friend of mine had funeral. But her baby died when she was 6 or 7 months along. They made her deliver it and she had a funeral around a week later. Nothing big though, just a handful of friends.
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MyraEllen
by Silver Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:43 PM
2 moms liked this
I think you should sit down with your friend and prepare her for the possibilty that she won't have a body to bury with a fetus that young. But she can have a memorial service at home, place a special stone in her garden or plant a tree in the child's honor. Maybe that would help her grieve? She obviously very much wanted this pregnancy so she should grieve this loss, it doesn't make her "crazy" just very sad about losing the pregnancy.
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ExquisiteMomof2
by PHOTOGMOM on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:44 PM
Um, no. Not that early on. Shouldn't she wait a few more weeks? Get a second opinion? Sounds like attention seeking to me.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:44 PM

A friend of mine had a memorial, just close friends and a few relatives when she had to be induced to deliver her stillborn daughter who was only the size of a 12 week fetus even though my friend was 20 weeks along - a hole had developed in the umbilical cord and prevented the baby from growing properly. However she was also given the remains of her daughter, she and her boyfriend decided to have her cremated. She is the only person I've ever known who was given the remains of their stillborn child before the 3rd trimester.

butterflyblue19
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:44 PM

The itty bitties like this tend to mummify. They cannot be embalmed and do not do well refrigerated. Sad. I lost my daughter at 34 weeks and was told that we needed to arrange her for a funeral or cremation within 48 hours. They're very difficult to prepare for a showing.

Quoting finnbar:

Yeah but what about babies past the point of viability (23 weeks or thereabouts) who are born sleeping? I see people have beautiful funeral services for these born dead children complete with coffins and in regular graveyards


Quoting Abby.N.Amys.Mom:

You cannot have a death certificate without a live birth.  A miscarriage is NOT a live birth, especially with a fetus that young.

Quoting finnbar:

I am not sure this process has been properly explained to your friend. I do not think the state will issue a death certificate for a baby that young. And without a death certificate you cannot have a legal burial.

If she wants the body she needs to wait til her body naturally expels it at home.




BDolphins82
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:44 PM

My aunt had a misscarriage.  Not sure how far along she was I was to young.  I do know that they put the 'baby" in a wooden box and buried it I think in the cemetarty next to one of their loved ones.  They did it themselves though without havingin anyone else present.

Abby.N.Amys.Mom
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:44 PM

I think it depends on the state/hospital/doctor that determines how early you can get remains for burial.  Sometimes, if it's early enough, it's considered medical waste and you cannot take it home.  I could be wrong on that, but that's my general understanding of it.

Quoting finnbar:

Well yes, i agree but dont think they will release the body at just 12 weeks development. They would not when my mom had miscarriages at 16 and 18 weeks


Quoting Abby.N.Amys.Mom:

You can still get the body to bury, yes, but in order to have a death certificate, you have to have a birth certificate, which means the baby has to be born and take at least one breath.  Babies born sleeping will usually have the date that they were "born sleeping".  Does that make sense?

Quoting finnbar:

Yeah but what about babies past the point of viability (23 weeks or thereabouts) who are born sleeping? I see people have beautiful funeral services for these born dead children complete with coffins and in regular graveyards





Quoting Abby.N.Amys.Mom:

You cannot have a death certificate without a live birth.  A miscarriage is NOT a live birth, especially with a fetus that young.

Quoting finnbar:

I am not sure this process has been properly explained to your friend. I do not think the state will issue a death certificate for a baby that young. And without a death certificate you cannot have a legal burial.


If she wants the body she needs to wait til her body naturally expels it at home.







 

 

storkneedsgps
by RoseTyler on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:45 PM
3 moms liked this
TO THE BASHERS If you've never experienced a loss, you can't imagine so don't judge. If that's what she wants, then support her. Part of the problem with miscariages is that people don't acknowledge that it is a loss. I wouldn't have one myself that early but I would if it was last trimester
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