UPDATE: Thanks everyone!!! I am going to take in what I wrote to my next appointment. Right now I am just manic...really manic it seems. I have eaten 2 bananas, half a p'zone and some chips today and that is it. I only ate lunch today. I am also still WIDE awake and it is 11pm. I am not looking forward to my crash. But hopefully I can get some work done tomorrow.
Ok, below (in blue) is a letter I have written my psychiatrist. Please read it and tell me what diagnosis you think I have. At the bottom I will explain why.
I don't think you are going to believe any of this. I will admit I am scared you are going to write this off. However, this is becoming an increasing problem in my life. I keep having these episodes that I don't really know how to describe. When I am not in an episode I don't know how to describe it; I lack the words. But when I am in an episodes I feel like there are so many ways to describe it. I also just realized I am doing this about every 3 weeks.
Anyways, I am full of energy yet so incredibly depressed. Like I wrote earlier today, I feel like slicing my femoral artery due to depression yet also felt like running a marathon because it is like an anxiety attack on steroids. I am on edge and full of energy. And now I just misspelled a word and it is annoying me and I have to spellcheck first before I can continue. I also am hyper-focusing. I ended up getting sucked into an online thread today and meant to only read it and then make myself lunch. I looked up and an hour went by. I couldn't believe it. I finally made myself get up and eat something. And then I over-ate because I was so focused on the food. Last time I got like this I ended up buying a 1000 piece puzzle and putting it together in 3 days while still doing my usual stuff. I also have sensory issues. Like Coca-Cola tastes like crap to me, literally. And I get enthralled with certain textures. Like one day I spent like 20 minutes feeling the sheet of my bed with my foot. But at the same time I am just so depressed. I am on the edge and a moment away from crying my eyes out. I have such an intense urge to self-harm. I just want to release. But please do not think I am suicidal. I don't even actually self-harm anymore. I refuse to. I am too rational to do it. I refuse to let my sons see such scars on me plus I feel like I am a failure if I give in. So I fight it. So please don't turn me in to children and family services or anything like that. I am not a risk to others or myself.
So yeah, I think that is it. There is probably other stuff but that is all I can think of right now. Then again, I am also getting sucked in by the TV show I am watching.
Ok, so what do you think my diagnosis is? If you said bipolar disorder, I really like you right now. I think that is my issue, but my psychiatrist isn't 100% positive. I think I need a mood stablizer to help keep incidents like this at a minimum. So if you said bipolar disorder, do you think this will convice my psychiatrist?