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Easier to be a SAHM...? *ETA

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

Was it easier to be a SAHM "back in the day"?

It occured to me that times have changed dramatically in the past 50-60 years. And there is still a notion of how SAHM are "lazy", or have it "easy". I think that may stem from outdated perceptions.

See way back when families were close knit, a support system, there to help with the kids/baby. Grandma would be very involved, aunts would be very involved, if mom needed help family and extended family would have her back in a jiffy! Not like today where there are many broken families or families that are not close, etc.

These days, you have people like myself, who get no help, no family support, no OPTION of having someone watch the kids for 5 minutes, which makes my job that much harder.

I just can't understand the notion of "Oh you SAHM, stop your whining, you have it easy, women have been doing your same job for thousands of years", while that statement has truth to it, we should also note that throughout history moms have always needed HELP at one point or another, by family, or in tribes where mothers help out other mothers and it is a GROUP EFFORT.

Me, I'm all alone, my DH is gone either at work or asleep 20hrs out of a 24hr day. I do not have family to help, and no women that would help without me spending a pretty penny lol.... I love being a SAHM, its hard and stressful, but that one comment just got me thinking.


ETA:  This post has NOTHING to do with WORKING MOMS(not meaning that in a negative way lol).

It's not about WM Vs. SAHM, its about today's SAHM Vs the SAHM of long ago throughout history.

I love hearing what you all have been saying, and whether a WAHM or a SAHM having it "easy" is all circumstancial so there is no grouping any one party together.

BACK TO THE POINT: Some of you pointed out modern covienances, and while I agree that it makes physical labor easier - example: Vacuum, dishwasher, washing machines/dryers, being able to drive, t.v, etc----- I still think that as mothers MOST of our strife whether working or staying home is a MENTAL GAME, and for the SAHM of today you can go batsh!t crazy having no help(even for 5 minutes while you want to pee!), you cannot rely on family, and the fact that very few moms stay home make it hard to band together and offer some support and adult conversation! Its HARD.

The physicalities of my job aren't that bad, but I would rather my body be drained than my SOUL! lol

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:08 AM
Replies (211-216):
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:39 AM

You are beating the ground upon which the horse died, decomposed and gave life to various forms of flora. You should probably quit now.

by Anonymous 40 on Feb. 2, 2013 at 4:51 AM

I'm a stay at home mom and also military wife. So I also have no one to watch my children either. Yes there are places offered on base. But you have to pay. Its only free a couple hours a month when your spouse is deployed. Then there's the issue of moving 5 times in 6 years and by the time you make a friend and trust them you're moving again and again have no money to spare and no one to trust. Its hard to be a stay at home mom. We all want to front and say its the best thing we've ever done. But its not. Wonderful and rewarding and also my choice but my paying jobs were never 24 hours a day. Even when I was only working 4 hours one day a week it was a day to recoup and miss my baby a little. 

Also when you get judgment for being a stay at home mother from people it pisses me off. Women, and men for that matter, are supposed to be able to choose whatever they want to be now. Yet if you ( and your partner) chose that you will be a SAHM then you are automatically (to some) not contributing to your household and society. That I feel is a change from years ago when women were expected and respected for being the homemakers. 

I love being a stay at home mother. My child is my world for sure and I love being there for every milestone. However, that does not mean its not stressful and the hardest thing I've ever done. 

by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 8:12 AM
I think they are both equally hard!!!

Back in the day they had to do most everything by hand; cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. but they had very little pull to be at this storytime or that gymnastics class. Back in the day kids went to school then helped around the house or helped on the farm or in family store. The mom cooked for all her kids but also for the farm's hired help. The average family was much bigger with families have 4+ children. They had to do it alone w/no internet to vent and the closest neighbor a few miles or buggy ride away.

Today we have many modern conviences but we are also busier, have errands, children's schedules and most spouses have to work longer than the typical 8-5pm. Being a mom today is stressful...I've done it while raising twins w/Zero help and a spouse that workes 12-14hrs a day. That said, I would take being a SAHM today any day over being a SAHM back in the day.

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by Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 10:12 AM

I love being a SAHM, sometimes i miss adult interaction.  Some people think we sit at home eating bon bons all day but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  There's a lot of work to be done in the house, i have a two yr old and it's not always easy to get stuff done, plus I have to drag him to the food store and other stores and he hates it.  I do have people to watch him if i needed but I don't like asking all the time.  Our job never ends, we don't get sick or vacation days, we are always on call so all those people who think it's easy and we do nothing can go suck it!

by Anonymous 41 on Feb. 2, 2013 at 10:49 AM

I agree on the art of more support and the mental part... My mom was a sahm I'm 40 and her youngest so this was a little while back and I remember alllll of the woman on the block were shams . We'd all have kids to play with moms had the corners to stand on snd talk.. No kid was in daycare.. Yes she had to clean cook and we had most of the stuff we do now I'm not that old lol but now I'm a sahm and the on,y one on the street. During the day moms are working kids are in daycare and were alone.. That's the part hat makes it so lonely and hard.

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 8:38 PM

Sometimes I wish I could postpone it but then I will have to start paying back the loans I took out to pay for the classes when I transferred. I'd rather wait until I can get a decent job to help pay for them. Sometimes it is my dh that is a little crititcal of the house not being perfect all the time and he does help but with him finishing his degree and working in law enforcement he is stressed a lot too. Most of the time he is the one understanding or sympathizing that we never get any breaks. He is a good dad and does spend time with them but I think men will never completely understand since they don't feel as much duty and guilt as women tend too. Plus when he works a lot it is even harder. He just worked his second 16 hour double in a row, is going back in tonight and only has tomorrow off because his schedule is changing again. We don't have any family close by. They live over 11 hours away. It is mostly family and friends that say that being at home is lazy. I am tired of people saying sahm's don't do anything. I do clean and I feel like all I do is clean up messes all day but that is part of being mom. I just get tired of someone asking me what I do all day. Like it doesn't take any energy to watch a toddler and preschooler who love getting into things, cleaning, cooking, studying, teaching them etc. Being a cook/chef or maid is a job but if you manage your own home sometimes some people say it isn't work at all. I do believe it will be harder when I do work outside the home like you said. But I think it all depends on the situation. Some people may have more outside help in either senario. A lot of choices are judged in articles, books, and through friends and websites like this and fb. If you breast or bottle feed, circumcise, vaccinate, homeschool or public or private, make your own organic baby food or buy organic or buy regular, if you cosleep, if you use cio. It seems like everyone has an opinion. I know I shouldn't care but it is hard to defend your choices when there is so much information for each choice. I'm tired of my parents saying we are too strict and his parents saying we don't discipline enough. I had my house sparkling and even got someone to help us right before his parents came and it still wasn't clean enough for them. I almost feel like I should tell our family not to visit at all if they just add more stress and put us down. I need to learn not to care what people say to me. I also need to stay organized more. I do know I will miss this later. Thank you for the tips and advice. 

Quoting Sweet_Carol_126:

Hot debates from whom?  Who in the world in your life is critical of you?  If it is family, then maybe they can watch kids while you do some homework.  When you are taking classes that is hard.  I just can't imagine anybody attacking you or expecting perfection unless it is the DH.  And he needs to help out a bit more then.  I know they think their job is the job away but they are also fathers.  Too many forget that.  Maybe you need to ignore or tell off whomever it is who is so critical.  At the same time, you should spend at least a half hour in the morning and maybe a half hour at night cleanning and as soon as the kids get big enough, teach them to clean up their room, pick up toys, maybe fold clothes.  Do your wash in the evening and fold clothes when you can watch tv.  Of course that may be when you are taking classes.  And you have homework.  I liked it better when I had one class a week or two and they were not for the same class so I could do homework on Saturday.  It is hard to schedule it all, especially when kids are small.  I was able to stay home when they were babies, at least for a while.  Good luck to you.  You may want to postpone the education until kids are a bit bigger.  It is easier when they go to school.   Good luck.

Quoting AJnEsMama:

I agree that while there are more convienances there are many drawbacks. I have no help from anyone besides my dh either. Mine also has a demanding work schedule and stressful job. Then I am judged for being lazy and not getting everything done. I have a 3 year old and 1 year old and we are both finishing our degrees. I am so tired all the time. Maybe moms that say it is so easy have tons of support and perfect children. I am blessed to be home at this time with them until I finish my undergrad degree and my masters but I am tired too. I am tired of judgement and expectations of perfection. I am scared that when I do it work it will be worse because I will be expected to be the same and will be missing out. Being a mother is hard now days becasue there is little help for most that have to move away for jobs or spouse's job. There is little community support and everything is scrutinized and debated. Even the tiniest choices are hot debates. 

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