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Talk to me, dammit!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 6 Replies

My husband is what I refer to as a "non-communicator".  He avoids important discussions at all costs.  He does not share personal information with me- thoughts, feelings, etc... This is not exactly new.  He has always been that kind of guy, I guess.  The problem is that now we have things that need to be discussed.  Important things.  Let me give you some examples...

1. Am I going back to work from this maternity leave to my part-time job?  He says I need to go back full-time (like I can just run right out and scoop up a full-time job that is going to be very understanding about the schedules of my four children?)  I am beginning to think that I can't go back, and I am not 100% comfortable with the plans for our new baby.

2. We just found out that $2000 per month that he usually makes will not be coming in from Feb-May.  After May, the problem is solved, but what about right now?  We need to make some kind of plan for how to handle that.

3. Are we going on vacation this year or skipping to adjust to our new, bigger (again) family?  Three other families are waiting to make plans based on this.


These may seem trivial, but they (and other issues that continue to go undiscussed) literally affect everything in our lives.  The biggest problem is that when I take the reigns and make the call alone (after failed attempts at having a little sit-down about the issues), he complains later about my choice.  I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Preschool registration ends next week.  Don't know if I need it.  I told the nanny for the baby I'd call her with a definitive answer by tomorrow.  I have no idea if we need her.  I was supposed to call my boss last week.  I have no idea what to tell her.  The vacation decision is supposed to be made by tomorrow.  Bills are coming, but that $2000 still isn't.

Ladies, please help!  How can I help this man?  I am willing to admit that maybe I've gotten frustrated and stopped approaching him tactfully or in a way that works for him.  How can I start this epic conversation that has to be had... like tonight!


Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:08 PM
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Replies (1-6):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:16 PM

Bump!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:19 PM
They don't sound trivial. They sound like life decisions. That you want and need your husbands input on. My husband can be hard to really talk to also.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:30 PM

Thank you.

We are supposed to be partners.  This is nuts.


Quoting Anonymous:

They don't sound trivial. They sound like life decisions. That you want and need your husbands input on. My husband can be hard to really talk to also.



Melissa_4
by Emerald Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:39 PM

Grab the tiger by the tail!

1.  With four children, how the hell CAN you work outside the home???  Days off for president's day, columbus day, kids home sick from school, summer vacations, spring breaks, etc.  You would need to hire a full-time nanny, but then what's the point of having kids?  You'll save money by staying at home.  You won't have the expenses of commuting, preschool, daycare, two sets of baby gear, lunch out, dry cleaning, so on and so forth.

2.  Learn to economize.  Raise your own children and fire the nanny.  Clearly you are living above your means.

3.  I think your problem with #2 answers #3 - no summer vacation.  We're a family of six, and have NEVER taken a family vacation because it's just too expensive with four children, and my husband makes a nice salary.  Again, learn to economize.  My husband takes the kids camping for a few days every summer, and that's the family vacation.  We've never been to Disney, the islands, or anywhere but a campground with the kids.  We have a nice home, animals that need caring for, etc.  Can't do everything.

4.  Preschool:  no, you don't need to register.  Stay at home with your children.

This is not a problem with your man's communication style, but issues with the way you two live above your means.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:48 PM

I really appreciate your answer to number 1 because it validates my concerns about returning to my job.  My husband acts like it would be a walk in the park, but it really isn't.  Since he is not the person who ever worries about what to do during the holidays or when a kid is sick, he doesn't understand quite how tough that is.

As for your opinions about us living above our means, you are incorrect.  The issue with the money is not going mean that we can't pay bills or do what needs to be done.  It doesn't men that we can't afford our annual summer vacation.  The issue is that I want his opinion on how we can soften that loss of $8000 this year.  Where can we cut costs a little?  It isn't a big deal.  It just is something that we should discuss.  Like everything else, we don't talk about finances.  I think that this is a good gateway for that.

Unfortunately, you ran off with your opinion of our money management for the rest of your response.  I was a bit disappointed.  As the mother of a family of 6 (like I now have), I really felt like your advice would be perfect for me.


Quoting Melissa_4:

Grab the tiger by the tail!

1.  With four children, how the hell CAN you work outside the home???  Days off for president's day, columbus day, kids home sick from school, summer vacations, spring breaks, etc.  You would need to hire a full-time nanny, but then what's the point of having kids?  You'll save money by staying at home.  You won't have the expenses of commuting, preschool, daycare, two sets of baby gear, lunch out, dry cleaning, so on and so forth.

2.  Learn to economize.  Raise your own children and fire the nanny.  Clearly you are living above your means.

3.  I think your problem with #2 answers #3 - no summer vacation.  We're a family of six, and have NEVER taken a family vacation because it's just too expensive with four children, and my husband makes a nice salary.  Again, learn to economize.  My husband takes the kids camping for a few days every summer, and that's the family vacation.  We've never been to Disney, the islands, or anywhere but a campground with the kids.  We have a nice home, animals that need caring for, etc.  Can't do everything.

4.  Preschool:  no, you don't need to register.  Stay at home with your children.

This is not a problem with your man's communication style, but issues with the way you two live above your means.



Melissa_4
by Emerald Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:27 PM

It really comes down to practicality and financial planning.  Since it's very impractical for you to work outside of the home, cutting out the nanny and preschool (and any other extraneous expenses along these lines) will relieve a good portion of the $8k you'll be missing between February and May.  

We have four children (a family of six); my husband and I both agreed that when we had #2 we would be having more children, and since I do not have a degree, there really is no where in our rural area (he travels 58 miles each way to work, VP of Tech, just outside of NYC) that would make it worthwhile for me to work outside of the home with small children, and keep me within a 25 minute radius of the children's schools in case of emergency.  Then we had #3 (finally after a year and a half of trying), and #4 followed two years and 2 weeks later.  They are all now 15, 12, 8 and 6.  Believe it or not, even though the older two technically could be here by themselves for a few hours, they need me more after school for homework, talking about their day, picking them up if they miss the bus (the closes school is 4 miles away, and the farthest is 8 miles).  We've never had a nanny, and had a babysitter twice in all these years so that we could go to dinner.  We can count all the times the grandparents babysat on our fingers.  They are our children, and they grow up so fast.  

How do his parents communicate?  Are they still married?  Look to his father to see where his comfort zone is.  Chances are he's very much like his dad.  I know my husband is.  He can be quite a cold fish at times, very little communication, especially now that he's not drinking anymore (he's an alcoholic).  Maybe it's time to sit your man down, and tell him straight out "I need more communication from you.  I'm your wife, not your nanny.  I need to know X,Y, and Z.  I'm not the only person in this marriage, and I deserve to have a two-way conversation with you, not just pull the words out of your mouth."

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