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First pregnancy, EVERYTHING is a mess, What would you do? HELP!! *ETA* ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 84 Replies

***I know this post is bound to get bashing, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't. I ALREADY feel like complete and utter shit. There's nothing you could say that I don't already feel.***

Hello all. I'm going anon for this one, I'm ashamed/embarassed. Please excuse my choppiness, my head is all over the place right now.

So, this is my first pregnancy. I'm now in my 3rd trimester. I'm 23 and have been with my bf (24) for the last 6 years. This pregnancy was indeed a birth control failure, but I didn't feel it was right to abort. I've had a very hard pregnancy (physically) and because of that I haven't been working or going to school these last few months. I want to be married, bf has not proposed bc "we fight all the time" Well, the REASON we fight is because I have now realized I have NO security. He's working a bs job at the mall, making 9$ an hour. He works 6 days a week and makes about 1800 a month. We are barely making it. We get the bills paid and have a little left over at the end of the month. I've BEGGED him to get a better paying job. To join the military reserves or anything just anything that'll provide us a better life for our son and my pleas have been ignored this entire fucking pregnancy. I'm due in 12 weeks. 12 WEEKS! We haven't bought anything for the baby bc he doesn't make enough. He doesn't want me working bc my health is bad and the dr has advised me to "take it easy". I am DYING to go get a damn job. I tell him EVERY NIGHT how stressed I am, and he says the same thing over and over "Don't worry about a thing baby, I've got it taken care of. It'll all work out just TRUST ME"

How?..... I asked him to explain to me WHAT he has figured out. Now he's trying to get a job on an oil field where an old distant friend of his got hired. He's waiting on this friend to bring him an application and THE FRIEND HAS BEEN DOGING HIS CALLS FOR A WEEK! (think he'd get the hint but NOPE)

He's not taking any initiative to go out there and find a better job or do anything productive. He' also smoking weed now ( I don't agree with it) which will prevent him from even landing a better job :( I'm at a constant stress level I don't even know what to do.

My parents are out there buying the baby all these clothes and essentials and it makes me feel like complete shit (although I'm thankful).... My bf says my parents are "up our ass with this baby stuff" well ALL THEY see is him not providing and they don't want the baby to do without. I told him this and he said he plans on buying all the baby stuff with his income tax (a whopping 1,500) SMH. I won't get much back for my income tax this year a few hundred I'm assuming. 

Our apt lease is also up a month after the baby comes, and he's told me to go ahead and be on the lookout for a nice two bedroom and gave me the limit which is almost 200$ more than we're paying now. How the hell does he think he's gonna pay for it?!!!!!! KWIM?! I've told him if he doesn't man up, and do right by this family the baby will not have his last name and he will not be on the birth certificate. (WHY DOES HE DESERVE THAT HONOR?!) Call me a bitch for that one, idk :/ 

**My plan: My plan after the baby comes is go back to school, I'm currently attaining my BSN and work. 

What should I do? What would you do? What a mess this is....  Would you trust him if it was your SO? PLEASE help me out with some advice here. 

So far the only thing he's done is get us another car which he's now having to pay off a loan for. 

**Added: He is threatening to take the baby from me if I leave him. He has recordings of me from when weve gotten in BIG blowup arguments and I'm yelling and being ugly on tape (doesn't record what he says or does to provoke me) He also says he'll use his proof of paying our bills to have the upper hand on me. Since I don't have a job or income, he will be granted custody. Well, in Texas, if we're unmarried don't I automatically have full custody???

He says if you love someone you stay with them no matter what, it shouldn't be about what they're doing with their lives. Thoughts?

About moving home: My parents are helping as much as they can but they have a small house with no extra bedrooms or space for the baby and I to move back home. I know they wouldn't leave me homeless, but that is NOT the route I'm trying to go if at all possible. 

ADVICE OF ALL KINDS IS MUCH NEEDED HERE. I WILL NOT SPEAK TO ANYONE IRL ABOUT THESE ISSUES ASIDE FROM MY PARENTS. 


Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Jcothrine
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:04 PM

bumping for later

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:05 PM

Thank you :(

Quoting Jcothrine:

bumping for later


VintageWife
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:09 PM

Has he gone to school or anything in the last 6 yrs or just got out of highschool and continued on with jobs meant for highschoolers? What does he say when you suggest the military? I don't blame you for accepting your parents gifts. The baby is obviously going to need clothing and diapers. I hope you plan on bf'ing (if you're not on meds preventing it), because I wouldn't trust him to be able to afford formula for sure!

shackelford8610
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:09 PM

 hmm.... I would honestly have him go active duty... Military is a great start for a starting out family! Most people would say "get a job!" However I know what its like to try to work and be in your third trimester... NO ONE will hire you... You can PM me if you want and I can tell you all about the military and maybe give you some tips on how to get your BF to see it your way. ;-) Good luck mama... Dont be ashamed, your doing the best you can! Your baby doesnt need the stress. I am always here if you need to talk!

chickensmommy
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:10 PM
Can you move back home with your parents until you finish your degree?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:14 PM

Thank you so much. I have asked him to go active duty and there's no way in hell he will ever agree to that. Smh. Trust me.... I know what a great life that would provide us :/ I'm thinking about going reserves myself if possible after I have this baby. I'm so lost on what to do. You're right about nobody wanting to hire me, I've got all the experience, a great resume and was applying places and going on interviews a couple months back and I got nothing. Nobody will hire a pregnant woman. I'm TRYING my hardest not to stress bc I know it can't be good for the baby. But I find myself bawling 5 days out of the week. I even broke down crying at babies r us doing my registry on monday. 

Quoting shackelford8610:

 hmm.... I would honestly have him go active duty... Military is a great start for a starting out family! Most people would say "get a job!" However I know what its like to try to work and be in your third trimester... NO ONE will hire you... You can PM me if you want and I can tell you all about the military and maybe give you some tips on how to get your BF to see it your way. ;-) Good luck mama... Dont be ashamed, your doing the best you can! Your baby doesnt need the stress. I am always here if you need to talk!


bugismyworld
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:14 PM

I am sorry you having to deal with all this. Just do your best to not to be stress and stick to your plans. If he really wants to be there he will do what you ask. Keep in mind " A women accept being a mom with all the responiable from the moment she founds out she pregnant. A man sees all that the moment he lay on his the little boy or girl. Thats when reality will really hits man until then all you can do it try to stay calm and be patience. To very hard the to ask of you, but I think you can do it. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:14 PM

They said if worst comes to worst.... I could... but I would hate myself for having to do that :'(

Quoting chickensmommy:

Can you move back home with your parents until you finish your degree?


KLittleton
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:14 PM

First, just take a deep breathe. Stress for your little one isn't good. Trust me, I understand 100% your situation and that it is hard.

I'm 20 y/o, my first pregnancy as well. My husband had a decent job, but recently they filed for bankruptsy. He went from getting 40-50 hrs a week, to making maybe 10-20. We have bills due and *I* worry constantly. However, like your s/o, my husband doesn't worry about anything. It drives me NUTS! I just don't understand. He knows what is happening of course, and he IS trying get a better job, which I am thankful for, but he doesn't worry about anything, he just expects it to be all right.

How stressed out was I? I'm 34 weeks pregnant, and I went back to work on Tuesday. I know a lot of women would be taking maternity leave, or preparing at this point, but I went back. I haven't worked a single day since LAST April.

We also have not bought a single thing for the baby other than ONE tote full of clothes, diapers and blankets. Haven't even painted the nursery.


I totally get being stressed, and upset with him. But be happy he is there, be happy he HAS a job, while many s/o's don't. Or in my case are at risk of losing theirs due to the company filing bankruptsy. Shit happens, it sucks, but we get through it. 1500 on his taxes is good money to put away.


I will be going back to school March 4th, I know it's crazy. I'll be working, attending college full time, and I'm due on the 13th. lol. I'm going to lose my mind.


One day at a time!


You may get bashed, but there are people who understand it is tough. I do. I've been dying to talk about it for weeks now. I LOVE my husband, and I am happy he supports me, and our soon to be son. I get upset sometimes when he doesn't worry about the future, but sometimes I'm thankful for that, because at least I know someone in the household is sane, lol.


**EDIT, My husband is also National Guard, while I do reccomend it, it might be best if you wait until AFTER your baby is born. He will miss the birth if you want him there, because BCT is a minimum of about 12 weeks including in processing, and out processing, AIT, which is done directly afterward is usually 8 weeks but could be up to a year or more. And no they cannot request leave of abscense UNLESS for the DEATH of a family member. I JUST went through this less than a year ago, and just me, if they could they'd have him leave for BCT tomorrow. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:15 PM
ok are you on any PA?Wic or anything?If so talk to your case worker.She maybe able to.provide where you can get more stuff.Also are you having a baby showerr??I would definitely leave him.He does not sound like he is responsible enough to be a father.I would be even more mad he is buying drugs instead of stuff for the baby
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