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My confession... I've never told anyone this before....

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 7 Replies

While it was happening and even for a few yrs after I honestly thought there was nothing wrong with it. As I got older and especially after having childing I realized exactly what had happened.

When I was bout 5yrs old, my mother, brother, and I went to visit some family in another state one summer. My female cousin,K, who was about 9,, invited me to stay the night at her house. I ended up staying several days because we were playing and having a great time. On the last night I was there, we were playing house. I was the mom and she was dad. She said Lets go to bed while we still play the game. I thought that was fine. We got in bed and she said "you know, mom and dads sleep naked'. I felt a bit weird but said ok and we both got undressed. We played there next to each talking and laughing for awhile. After a bit she asked if I knew what moms and dads did while laying in bed. I said that I did not, and she asked if she could show me. I told her yes. She layed on top of me and sort of just rubbed her body around. She then kissed my neck and kept kissing me all the way down to just below my belly button. It felt wrong but at the same time, 'we were just playing'. She then said I should do the same to her, which I did.  We did this a few times and then got dressed and went to sleep.

The next summer when we went back, another cousin of mine, A, was staying up there for the summer as well. She was 1yr younger than I was. I told her about how me and K played house and she said she wanted to try it to. I then explained and showed her what we had done, and she repeated it. It only happened once.


For several years, I thought it was just kids playing around, but as an adult I realize exactly what was going on. It also made me realize how someone who was abused/molested as a child, could carry that same atrocity out on someone else and not even realize it was wrong. Of course, I realize it was wrong now and No, I never did it to anyone else. To me, it really was all innocent and I didn't even understand what is was in truth.

I realize also that someone obviously had also shown 'K' all that stuff in order for her to do it to me. But the fact that I was so blind, even though I was only 5 and 6, to what was really going on makes me mad and ashamed. I feel dirty an disgusting.

I have never told another soul about this and me, K, or A, have never discussed it since. Not even DH knows about this one thing because I feel like such a pervert and sicko. I feel as though I am a child molester of sorts, even though I was a small child myself. I cant even begin to describe the guilt and shame I carry with me over what not only happened to me, but what I also did to another person. I honestly didn't see the harm, it was just in fun and in play..... 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:35 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Sasha-
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:38 PM

YOu were a child and to young to know any better.  You need to let this go so it does not eat away at you anymore.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:41 PM


I am trying and it has gotten better. My oldest is now the age I was the first time it happened and I can see the innocence in her and it has helped me realize how innocent I was. It still makes me feel guilty at times though.

Quoting Sasha-:

YOu were a child and to young to know any better.  You need to let this go so it does not eat away at you anymore.



Sasha-
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:42 PM

Really it was innocent fun though, for all of you,  your cousin did not know it was wrong, there is no reason to be ashamed.

bi-polarmommy
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:46 PM

 if its eating at you that bad, why dont you talk to a therapist about it?

KRYSTALK1013
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:46 PM
I'm sure this kind of thing happens between a lot if children who don't know any better. No need to feel ashamed. You were too young to understand.
stephiebugg
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:49 PM

 Sounds to me like it was just kids playing.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:52 PM
I agree with pp. You were just a child. You didn't understand what it was. There is nothing to be ashamed of sweetie. ((hugs))
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