Afraid to let them play

[Lizard_Lina]

My close friend and I have children similar in age. She has a 5 year old son and I have a 4 (almost 5) year old daughter. They have been friends since forever. They hang out, go places together, whatever. I love the bond that they have. Recently however, my friend told me that her son was "touched" (i don't know the specifics so we will leave it at that) by a boy he goes to school with. Her son was showing major signs of aggression and when she took him to a therapist the truth came out. He is still in therapy. My friend was devasted and I as well as others have been as supportive as we know how to be in a situation like this. My problem is that I am afraid to let my daughter over to play. They still go to the park, see movies etc but when it comes time to let them play outside of moms watchful eye, I get nervous. I'm afraid until he works through this with his therapist, something might happen between her son and my daughter, be it out of curriosity or whatever. So I've been making excuses, and I feel awful for it. I don't want to hurt my friend and make this whole thing even harder on her, but at the same time I am trying to protect my daughter. What should I do? Should I tell her? How would I even go about that? Should I keep holding off until her son makes some progress with his therapy? How do I get rid of this fear? What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I would be open and honest with your friend about your concerns and your desire to be protective of your daughter while still being supportive of her son.  Perhaps ask her what her son's therapist would recommend as far as supervision for play.  I think if you come from an honest, heartfelt place, especially as you see the need for your daughter and her son to continue their relationship, it would be better than trying to be evasive.

[Lizard_Lina]

I appreciate the advice
Warm and heartfelt is the goal, evasive is the fear

Quoting Anonymous:

I would be open and honest with your friend about your concerns and your desire to be protective of your daughter while still being supportive of her son.  Perhaps ask her what her son's therapist would recommend as far as supervision for play.  I think if you come from an honest, heartfelt place, especially as you see the need for your daughter and her son to continue their relationship, it would be better than trying to be evasive.

[atyou]

All you can do is be honest with her. You're doing the right thing.

[Lizard_Lina]

What if it hurts her to hear the truth? She's a mess enough as it is with this

Quoting atyou:

All you can do is be honest with her. You're doing the right thing.

[kimkrys1]

I think if you and she are close (like sisters) she will be ok with it.  Sometimes we can handle uncomfortable talks from ones closest to us than a stranger.  Just reassure her that you still love her etc etc etc... and that you love her kid.. If it were me I would understand... but I would also keep an eye on my son as well .... I wouldnt want the possibility of him touching someone else on my conscious. Good luck!

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

I'll give it a shot. This girl is like my sister I don't want her to feel attacked.

Quoting Anonymous:

Hm..maybe something along the lines of "I'm sure what you're going through is hard, and I don't really know how to talk about this, but I'm hoping as a mother you'll understand. My daughter and I really enjoy having you and your son as friends, but until he progresses in his therapy and we learn how he is going to deal with being molested, I'd really prefer if they are supervised at all times as a precaution."

If she gets upset, that's on her. In the end, you have to protect your daughter. 

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

I trust she would watch them. I just don't know what to say without sounding like I expect it to happen

Quoting Anonymous:

We didn't have to. After they found him molesting his step-sister, they knew not to let him alone with other children. 

I would just tell your friend that if your daughter plays over there, you have too feel secure in knowing that they will not be alone together. Then, decide whether or not you trust your friend to do that. 

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

They still play and when he is here I can promise supervision but how do I bring it up to my friend about my daughter being there?





Did anybody have this conversation with your nephews parents?

Quoting Anonymous:

I understand your fear, but I think if they are constantly supervised, it shouldn't be a problem. 

My nephew was molested, and as a result, he molested his step-sister. It's a long story, but that's actually how they found out he was molested--they walked in on him molesting her. He was 4 and she was 6. 

That was a year ago, and I still let him play with my kids (they are 2 and 4), but I make sure they are constantly supervised by myself or another adult that I trust. We haven't had any issues. 

[atyou]

It might. But it would probably hurt more for her to think you're avoiding her, so to speak.

She's a mother. She has to understand that you are only protecting your daughter. Good luck! It wont be an easy conversation no matter how you slice it.

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

What if it hurts her to hear the truth? She's a mess enough as it is with this

Quoting atyou:

All you can do is be honest with her. You're doing the right thing.

[Saille717]

You should talk to your daughter about "bad touching" and that nobody but herself, you and her doctor can touch her private parts.  It's not too young to start those lessons.  Then you should resume your play dates.  This little boy needs the normalcy in his life right now desperately.  If you're very worried, then don't let them play unsupervised.  

[kimkrys1]

This

Quoting atyou:

It might. But it would probably hurt more for her to think you're avoiding her, so to speak.

She's a mother. She has to understand that you are only protecting your daughter. Good luck! It wont be an easy conversation no matter how you slice it.

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

What if it hurts her to hear the truth? She's a mess enough as it is with this

Quoting atyou:

All you can do is be honest with her. You're doing the right thing.

[Lizard_Lina]

That's true, she's probably going to start wondring what's wrong.

Quoting atyou:

It might. But it would probably hurt more for her to think you're avoiding her, so to speak.



She's a mother. She has to understand that you are only protecting your daughter. Good luck! It wont be an easy conversation no matter how you slice it.

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

What if it hurts her to hear the truth? She's a mess enough as it is with this

Quoting atyou:

All you can do is be honest with her. You're doing the right thing.

[Lizard_Lina]

She knows about private parts and that nobody should touch them, but so does this boy, and he didn't even tell his mom, it came put through therapy for what everyone thought was a behavioral problem.

They still hang out and play, she just hasn't been over there without me since its come out.

Quoting Saille717:

You should talk to your daughter about "bad touching" and that nobody but herself, you and her doctor can touch her private parts.  It's not too young to start those lessons.  Then you should resume your play dates.  This little boy needs the normalcy in his life right now desperately.  If you're very worried, then don't let them play unsupervised.