Afraid to let them play

[Lizard_Lina]

My close friend and I have children similar in age. She has a 5 year old son and I have a 4 (almost 5) year old daughter. They have been friends since forever. They hang out, go places together, whatever. I love the bond that they have. Recently however, my friend told me that her son was "touched" (i don't know the specifics so we will leave it at that) by a boy he goes to school with. Her son was showing major signs of aggression and when she took him to a therapist the truth came out. He is still in therapy. My friend was devasted and I as well as others have been as supportive as we know how to be in a situation like this. My problem is that I am afraid to let my daughter over to play. They still go to the park, see movies etc but when it comes time to let them play outside of moms watchful eye, I get nervous. I'm afraid until he works through this with his therapist, something might happen between her son and my daughter, be it out of curriosity or whatever. So I've been making excuses, and I feel awful for it. I don't want to hurt my friend and make this whole thing even harder on her, but at the same time I am trying to protect my daughter. What should I do? Should I tell her? How would I even go about that? Should I keep holding off until her son makes some progress with his therapy? How do I get rid of this fear? What would you do?

[cjs702006]

That poor boy! If this is a good friend that you trust, I would tell her that while you value her friendship and the friendship your kids have together, you feel uncomfortable having them play together while her son is working through this. Tell her you hope that it isn't a permanent situation but it's the best for right now. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It is terrible this poor little boy was molested but I think it is even more terrible that you are keeping two children apart from each other. I watched a little girl that was being molested and the last thing she needed was to lose her friends. WHen she was in my care I just always made sure I was in sight at all times.  You also need to talk to your daughter about good touches and bad touches. You don't need to tell her that her friend was abused.

[LucyHarper]

One of the worst things you can do for a kid who has been molested is isolate them. It reinforces to them the common feeling that they are bad for what happened, that they are being punished for it, and that people no longer like them now that he told someone what happened. I urge you not to withdraw and hold off from having your child play with him. Just be careful, invite him over or go over to their house and just keep an eye on them playing. Also talk to your daughter about it, don't let her know what happened or go into too much detail, just have a talk with her about private parts and how no one is to touch them, so if he did ever suggest that they do something, she knows that its not okay and knows how to say no. Tell her that if anyone ever asks to touch her privates or show them her privates, she is to go to you or another trusted adult right away and tell them, she is allowed to say no. 

[ksueditz]

Agreed

Quoting Anonymous:

Hm..maybe something along the lines of "I'm sure what you're going through is hard, and I don't really know how to talk about this, but I'm hoping as a mother you'll understand. My daughter and I really enjoy having you and your son as friends, but until he progresses in his therapy and we learn how he is going to deal with being molested, I'd really prefer if they are supervised at all times as a precaution."

If she gets upset, that's on her. In the end, you have to protect your daughter. 

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

I trust she would watch them. I just don't know what to say without sounding like I expect it to happen

Quoting Anonymous:

We didn't have to. After they found him molesting his step-sister, they knew not to let him alone with other children. 

I would just tell your friend that if your daughter plays over there, you have too feel secure in knowing that they will not be alone together. Then, decide whether or not you trust your friend to do that. 

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

They still play and when he is here I can promise supervision but how do I bring it up to my friend about my daughter being there?





Did anybody have this conversation with your nephews parents?

Quoting Anonymous:

I understand your fear, but I think if they are constantly supervised, it shouldn't be a problem. 

My nephew was molested, and as a result, he molested his step-sister. It's a long story, but that's actually how they found out he was molested--they walked in on him molesting her. He was 4 and she was 6. 

That was a year ago, and I still let him play with my kids (they are 2 and 4), but I make sure they are constantly supervised by myself or another adult that I trust. We haven't had any issues. 

[Lizard_Lina]

He's in therapy and so is mom so they're working through it. I didn't nix play dates entirely because I understand everyone's need for normalcy. But like you said, you never know, and I'm just trying to be on the side of caution. The aggression is mostly between him and his mother because he has never been that way with me or my daughter. They're thinking he feels subconciously helpless and taking it out on his mom since she is his protector.

Quoting AmyL3469:

Poor kid. I would be careful of my kids being around him though. Never know if he'll mimic the behavior. Or, if he's aggressive, hurt your kids. I hope he gets help he needs and gets through this.

[JavaLadybug2]

Keep doing what your doing momma.. Your doing the right thing! Saying things to her will hurt her..  So just avoid that situation.. HUGS!

[AmyL3469]

That makes a lot of sense though. He might feel very angry toward her.

My cousin had this happen... his father abused him in every way possible starting at age 2. He never got the help and always acted out towards his mom. When he was 15, he was arrested for a sexual assault. I feel so bad for him and people that have this happen, they grow up thinking things like this are okay and normal to do.

I'm so glad this poor boy is getting help.

Quoting Lizard_Lina:

He's in therapy and so is mom so they're working through it. I didn't nix play dates entirely because I understand everyone's need for normalcy. But like you said, you never know, and I'm just trying to be on the side of caution. The aggression is mostly between him and his mother because he has never been that way with me or my daughter. They're thinking he feels subconciously helpless and taking it out on his mom since she is his protector.

Quoting AmyL3469:

Poor kid. I would be careful of my kids being around him though. Never know if he'll mimic the behavior. Or, if he's aggressive, hurt your kids. I hope he gets help he needs and gets through this.

[Lizard_Lina]

They're not apart. He still comes here and they still go out to see movies or the park, I'm just uncertain about my daughter going there without me and if I can't go I make an excuse why my daughter can't either. My friend is trying to keep everything normal, which is hood, but part of that comes with them being alone sometimes. Like if they're in the living room playing and she's in the kitchen making lunch. We've talked about private parts and touching. But you never know.

Quoting Anonymous:

It is terrible this poor little boy was molested but I think it is even more terrible that you are keeping two children apart from each other. I watched a little girl that was being molested and the last thing she needed was to lose her friends. WHen she was in my care I just always made sure I was in sight at all times.  You also need to talk to your daughter about good touches and bad touches. You don't need to tell her that her friend was abused.

[ripemango]

the idea that 1 who was molested will molest is an outdated and misinformed concept. i encourage you to research this on your own.

IF he is still being aggressive, then that is something about which I would be concerned. However, I would think you could already tell if that is still an issue.

[Lizard_Lina]

I completely agree in keeping things as normal ad possible. For the most part things are. He still comes here, they still go to the park, the movies etc. But if I can't go with my daughter to their house I make an excuse why she can't either. My fear is that for the five minutes she's in the kitchen and they're in the living room something could happen. I've talked to dd about private parts but they're little and best friends, so there's a whole trust thing that could muddle what I've said, I mean they're only 4 and 5. I just don't know how to nicely bring up please keep an eye on them allll the time without sounding like I expect it to happen or make her feel like as a parent she's doing something wrong.

Quoting LucyHarper:

One of the worst things you can do for a kid who has been molested is isolate them. It reinforces to them the common feeling that they are bad for what happened, that they are being punished for it, and that people no longer like them now that he told someone what happened. I urge you not to withdraw and hold off from having your child play with him. Just be careful, invite him over or go over to their house and just keep an eye on them playing. Also talk to your daughter about it, don't let her know what happened or go into too much detail, just have a talk with her about private parts and how no one is to touch them, so if he did ever suggest that they do something, she knows that its not okay and knows how to say no. Tell her that if anyone ever asks to touch her privates or show them her privates, she is to go to you or another trusted adult right away and tell them, she is allowed to say no.