I am having negative feelings towards him ***long***

[Anonymous]

Back story

Dh is a good man and husband, not the best but perfect for me. He never remembered my birthday or special occasions (hell every year he forgot his own birthday), it was the little things he did every day  he call me several times a day to check if I was ok. During the summer he knows I like water melon, he made sure I never ran out, if he knows I like something and he sees it he would always make sure to buy it for me. Even if we argued we would make up in five minutes, we were very happy together.

Problem

Two years ago he lost his job and had to work a job he didn't like to support his family. (he lost a lot of confidence in himself) it was a hit to the finances but we were ok. The thing is he would always send about $600 a month to his family in Africa. Which I don't have a problem with as long as we can afford it; He became reclusive and didn't talk to me much about what was going on with him if I tried to talk to him he would get defensive and it would be a huge argument.

We moved a year and a half ago, our rent pretty much doubled so the money he was sending would have to stop or reduced drastically (to about $100) we have had several arguments about this,  he is saying he need to take care of his mom. I am not saying he can't take of his mom, but as one of 18 kids he can't be the only one with a job. When we are stable again he can start sending money again.

The house in Africa he is taking care of contains his mother, three sister, one brother and two kids his mother is taking of; and nobody in the house works. He seems to think that without him they wouldn't survive, I know he is the one making them depend on him but these people have no conscience. He has a family of his own and two young kids how long do they think afford to take care of all their needs.

Situation now

We argue consistently over everything even stupid things, we makeup eventually but I keep holding on to all to the negative feeling. I keep telling him how I feel, I don't know if he doesn't believe me or what nothing changes. I told him we should get therapy, but he told me I am the only one with a problem. We have good times but the bad times happen more often. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do, this has been going on for two years now I am tired. I am really hoping we can work things out but I am not sure.

Any advice ladies??????  

[Byrd15]

I am having* 

[Anonymous]

divorce

[lucky2Beeme]

You some how have to come to an agreement on how the money your family earned is spent. Until you agree you will continue to fight.If he wont talk about it, that pretty much says he isn't going to compromise. Now you need to decide if you are willing to live with him putting his extended families needs before his immediate family's.

[skittlebeans88]

I wouldn't put up with it

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

i am really hoping he will get a better job soon and things will get better

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

You some how have to come to an agreement on how the money your family earned is spent. Until you agree you will continue to fight.If he wont talk about it, that pretty much says he isn't going to compromise. Now you need to decide if you are willing to live with him putting his extended families needs before his immediate family's.

[Anonymous]

That is crazy.  He needs to be a man and take care of his immediate family first.  The two of you need to sit down and do the finances together and figure how much you can send to the family if anything at all.  If he keeps sending checks that you can't afford to, I would call the bank and put a stop payment on the checks.

[LilliesValley]

Not sure. I might see what his other siblings are doing or if its so important to continue sending the $600, then he needs to get a second job. That would mean less time with his actual family. Maybe his other siblings aren't helpings at all and he should talk to them about helping.

[Pnukey]

Being unemployed and/or underemployed puts a lot of stress on any relationship. This is the time to support him, even if you don't totally agree with him. You have accepted that he feels an obligation to support his family. It sounds like you went into this marriage with this understanding. Do you work? Does he control the finances? He could talk to his other siblings and see how much they are willing to help. Is he the oldest? 

Don't divorce, as a previous poster suggested. That's just stupid. This is a temporary situation. Be patient and work with your DH.

[PerfectVirgo]

As hard as this is to hear:

You need to stop. You knew he supported his family when you married him. Would you rather his family starve to death so you can have that larger house? How about geting a job yourself?

[LadyF86]

 He needs to realize his wife and kids come first. Keep trying to tak to him about counseling.