I know being mad is part of the grieving process, but I am not that kind of mad. Well I am, but there is more to it.
My dad was a holiday dad. I saw him twice a year until I got old enough to drive to go see him. We had some major downs in the last 29 years, but were okay the last 6 years.
I am mad at myself because I didn't take more time just to pick up the phone to say hi and I loved him. I am mad at myself that I didn't find a way to see him more. (We live about two hours apart and my daughter has severe asthma and he and his wife smoke and have many cats so going there the last 3 years was honestly not an option). I am mad at my dad for not coming to the hospital when I had my daughters. I am mad at my dad for not coming to see us when my daughter was in the PICU. I am mad that my dad never made the effort he should have as a father or a grandgather to me or my children, but did for his step children. I am mad he didn't tell me he was sick.
I am mad that I got ZERO say in his funeral. I am mad that he has no burial or memorial place. I am mad that I am his only daughter and wasn't even mentioned in his service. I am mad that the only damn thing I have left of my dad is an old blanket.
I don't know how to start to move forward from this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be mad at myself, or him, or anyone else involved.
Sorry I just needed to vent because I feel like I can't say this in my normal life because I don't want to hurt anyone in my family for my feelings.