I think my father died but dont care enough to call his wife and find out.
Im not an awful person, before you bash. I dont love my father however. He was a hard man to love. He never hit me once in my life, he never touched me sexually. He did tell me daily I was a bad person, stupid, lazy, obtuse, wild, ugly, hopeless, a waste of time and space, a dissappointment and not worth feeding. I was not allowed out of our house, or to have friends or toys or be a normal child. When his wife came along I was treated much the same by her. I did hours of chores every day. I was a servant in their home and nothing more.
When I was 13 I tried to kill myself. In the hospital, he never came to see me once. I went to my mothers house. He never called or visited.
We reconnected a few years later. I was a wild child and rebellious. He would tell me everytime when I saw him how he tried to help me, but I was just so wild and bad.
As an adult he constantly put me down. If something went wrong, I had no soft place to land or parent to lean on. I was told what did you expect? and laughed at.
When I had my son I was told I would be a terrible mother. I was too stupid to be able to raise a child. Too much of a fuck up. One christmas I finally said no. you cannot speak to me like this. I was told I was a spoiled brat with no respect.
I never called him again and he never called me. Apparently he had no interest in knowing my son.
Fast forward several more years and my grandfather died. We were very close, he was like the father I so very much needed. My father never showed up to the funeral. He was the only one in the entire family. And when he was called up with his other siblings, I had to step forward and say in front of everyone he hadnt come.
I called him afterward to ask why he didnt come. His response was "do me a favor kid? Forget you know my number."
Those were his last words to me.
Tonight my cousin called to tell me no one had heard from him in a while. He has cirhossis (sp?) of the liver and was an alcoholic. She said I should call his wife because she thinks he died.
I will not call, and I do not care that he died. He died the day my grandfather was buried and I have already mourned the father I never had.
That is my confession.