I Don't Understand Why I'm Not "Programmed" Like Other Moms
- 192 Replies
I knew I wanted kids. I love my kids more than life. I really do, but I feel guilty on a daily basis because I don't feel the same ways my mother counterparts appear to feel about parenthood. I've always seen something just click when other women became moms. It's like they just transformed into something other than what they'd always been and all the aspects of motherhood just fell into place for them. I assumed it would happen for me too, but it's been 5 years and 2 kids and just hasn't. Here are things that just haven't seemed to work out for me like it does for other moms...
I haven't become one of those robots that can function on all cylinders without proper sleep. I thought my biological clock would register "You have children" and adjust, but it hasn't. I'm a zombie if I get less than 8 hours....and a grouch that guzzles coffee and energy drinks just to survive the day.
I have not and CANNOT accept the mess and clutter. I've always lived in organization and, quite frankly, perfection. I was raised in a spotless home and it's all I feel comfortable in. I spend hours just trying to keep up with the rate of mess making in my home and I just mentally and emtionally have break downs when I struggle to keep up. I thought I would learn to accept the messes but I just can't. I HATE clutter and disorganization.
I thought I would be like moms who become consumed by their kids and nothing else matters...Nope. As much as I love my kids, I don't think mothering is all there is to life and I don't think I can be fulfilled if I don't continue pursuing the same interests I've always had. I still ATTEMPT to pursue my interests and I get so frustrated and feel resentful when it's an uphill battle. I have sacrificed so much for parenthood, which I expected to have to do, but I don't think I should never be able to be me, not Mommy, but me. No, I can no longer spend 2 hours a day in the gym. Fine. Can't get manicures and pedicures anymore. Fine. So I've given up my absolutely perfect, rock star body. Ugghh. But I should still be able to hot, right? Yet, just going for a walk for 45 minutes is like an act of Congress. Painting my toe nails is nearly impossible.
I thought I would think every little thing my kids say is gold, like other moms. No. I would almost prostitute myself for a day of peace and quiet.
I feel so guilty. I spend so much time being attentive to my kids and doing my absolute best to meet their needs, encourage them, support them, and bond with them. And don't get me wrong...It's SO rewarding and I wouldn't change having them. But I do get exhausted and I still crave my own life and that makes me feel like a failure. Please tell me I'm not abnormal.
I work full time. Ideally, I'd work part time so I could have more time to keep up with cleaning and my school work (I'm working on a new degree). Unfortunately, I don't have much support at home. DH isn't exactly a hands-on dad. He is annoyed with the kids pretty much all the time. So I try to keep them out of his hair.
Quoting sthflachk:
Are you a SAHM? Seems like you need to schedule some Mommy time! Insist on it actually. You're not alone. I should be digging in the dirt for ancient relics instead I am selling electronics. I just now got a new gym membership after almost 3 years...can't wait to get my body in shape! As for mani/pedi...again schedule that even if you have to go after your so gets home. Oh, and hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week if you can afford it....its awesome!
You are not abnormal AT ALL. I'm a working mom (meaning I don't see my kid nearly as much as a SAHM would) and I feel this way too. All of it.
LOL You're not abnormal.
I have an auto-tuner that automatically tunes out my son's incessant chatter.
I don't care about clutter, but I never have.
I'm grumpy if I get woken up....even if it's a sick kid. It takes everything I have to not growl.
This may be part of your problem. Or all of it. You have zero support. All the weight is on your shoulders. Tell him to interact and that you need a break!
Quoting Anonymous:
I work full time. Ideally, I'd work part time so I could have more time to keep up with cleaning and my school work (I'm working on a new degree). Unfortunately, I don't have much support at home. DH isn't exactly a hands-on dad. He is annoyed with the kids pretty much all the time. So I try to keep them out of his hair.
Quoting sthflachk:
Are you a SAHM? Seems like you need to schedule some Mommy time! Insist on it actually. You're not alone. I should be digging in the dirt for ancient relics instead I am selling electronics. I just now got a new gym membership after almost 3 years...can't wait to get my body in shape! As for mani/pedi...again schedule that even if you have to go after your so gets home. Oh, and hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week if you can afford it....its awesome!
You sound perfectly normal to me!
Are you a SAHM? One of things that really helped me when we moved here with two little kids and I didn't know anyone was to join some mommy groups. I got involved in MOPS and MOMS Club. Through the MOMS Club, I got involved in a Bunco Group and Book Club. For me, it made all the difference to have like-minded adults to talk to and the kids got the added benefit of ready-made playmates. I'm still good friends with a number of the women I met in those groups.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting some time and space for yourself. I love my kids beyond belief, but I'm still a woman with my own goals, dreams and asperitions. Anything I do to feed my soul will only make me a better wife and mother.
It'll get better. It will. And then you'll miss the time they were little kids, believe it or not :)
And you turn into robot-mommy for 18 years and that's precisely why so many women experience empty best syndrome. Because they forgot how to be with them, how to dedicate time up themselves.
I think my husband's a sociopath