I Don't Understand Why I'm Not "Programmed" Like Other Moms
I knew I wanted kids. I love my kids more than life. I really do, but I feel guilty on a daily basis because I don't feel the same ways my mother counterparts appear to feel about parenthood. I've always seen something just click when other women became moms. It's like they just transformed into something other than what they'd always been and all the aspects of motherhood just fell into place for them. I assumed it would happen for me too, but it's been 5 years and 2 kids and just hasn't. Here are things that just haven't seemed to work out for me like it does for other moms...
I haven't become one of those robots that can function on all cylinders without proper sleep. I thought my biological clock would register "You have children" and adjust, but it hasn't. I'm a zombie if I get less than 8 hours....and a grouch that guzzles coffee and energy drinks just to survive the day.
I have not and CANNOT accept the mess and clutter. I've always lived in organization and, quite frankly, perfection. I was raised in a spotless home and it's all I feel comfortable in. I spend hours just trying to keep up with the rate of mess making in my home and I just mentally and emtionally have break downs when I struggle to keep up. I thought I would learn to accept the messes but I just can't. I HATE clutter and disorganization.
I thought I would be like moms who become consumed by their kids and nothing else matters...Nope. As much as I love my kids, I don't think mothering is all there is to life and I don't think I can be fulfilled if I don't continue pursuing the same interests I've always had. I still ATTEMPT to pursue my interests and I get so frustrated and feel resentful when it's an uphill battle. I have sacrificed so much for parenthood, which I expected to have to do, but I don't think I should never be able to be me, not Mommy, but me. No, I can no longer spend 2 hours a day in the gym. Fine. Can't get manicures and pedicures anymore. Fine. So I've given up my absolutely perfect, rock star body. Ugghh. But I should still be able to hot, right? Yet, just going for a walk for 45 minutes is like an act of Congress. Painting my toe nails is nearly impossible.
I thought I would think every little thing my kids say is gold, like other moms. No. I would almost prostitute myself for a day of peace and quiet.
I feel so guilty. I spend so much time being attentive to my kids and doing my absolute best to meet their needs, encourage them, support them, and bond with them. And don't get me wrong...It's SO rewarding and I wouldn't change having them. But I do get exhausted and I still crave my own life and that makes me feel like a failure. Please tell me I'm not abnormal.