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I Don't Understand Why I'm Not "Programmed" Like Other Moms

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I knew I wanted kids. I love my kids more than life. I really do, but I feel guilty on a daily basis because I don't feel the same ways my mother counterparts appear to feel about parenthood. I've always seen something just click when other women became moms. It's like they just transformed into something other than what they'd always been and all the aspects of motherhood just fell into place for them. I assumed it would happen for me too, but it's been 5 years and 2 kids and just hasn't. Here are things that just haven't seemed to work out for me like it does for other moms...

I haven't become one of those robots that can function on all cylinders without proper sleep. I thought my biological clock would register "You have children" and adjust, but it hasn't. I'm a zombie if I get less than 8 hours....and a grouch that guzzles coffee and energy drinks just to survive the day.

I have not and CANNOT accept the mess and clutter. I've always lived in organization and, quite frankly, perfection. I was raised in a spotless home and it's all I feel comfortable in. I spend hours just trying to keep up with the rate of mess making in my home and I just mentally and emtionally have break downs when I struggle to keep up. I thought I would learn to accept the messes but I just can't. I HATE clutter and disorganization.

I thought I would be like moms who become consumed by their kids and nothing else matters...Nope. As much as I love my kids, I don't think mothering is all there is to life and I don't think I can be fulfilled if I don't continue pursuing the same interests I've always had. I still ATTEMPT to pursue my interests and I get so frustrated and feel resentful when it's an uphill battle. I have sacrificed so much for parenthood, which I expected to have to do, but I don't think I should never be able to be me, not Mommy, but me. No, I can no longer spend 2 hours a day in the gym. Fine. Can't get manicures and pedicures anymore. Fine. So I've given up my absolutely perfect, rock star body. Ugghh. But I should still be able to hot, right? Yet, just going for a walk for 45 minutes is like an act of Congress. Painting my toe nails is nearly impossible.

I thought I would think every little thing my kids say is gold, like other moms. No. I would almost prostitute myself for a day of peace and quiet.

I feel so guilty. I spend so much time being attentive to my kids and doing my absolute best to meet their needs, encourage them, support them, and bond with them. And don't get me wrong...It's SO rewarding and I wouldn't change having them. But I do get exhausted and I still crave my own life and that makes me feel like a failure. Please tell me I'm not abnormal.

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 4, 2013 at 12:12 PM
Replies (121-130):
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:37 PM

hmm you seem pretty normal to me..honestly its the ones who loves and adores everything that i worry about lol im sorry but when my 4yo is useing her new found skill of lyeing i dont find it cute or the least. and i love when she sings but there is a time for that, when mommy has a head ach or is on th ephone i dont want to hear it lol

by Patti on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:41 PM

You are not abnormal. It's okay to not be consumed by your kids. I always thought those moms who have no life besides their kids are a little odd. For dealing with the clutter, can you try and limit the toys and such to one room so that it's easier to either clean it up or hide it away where you don't see it. Also, most of us have waaaay more stuff than kids actually need. Put a lot of the toys and baby paraphernalia away. Just keep out what you absolutely need and a few toys that your children really love. Then it is easier to keep up with the mess.

Many gyms have child care centers, so you can drop the kids off and exercise in peace and quiet. The Y has child care but many other gyms do too. Check out some in your area and see what they offer. And, if your family can afford it, look at some churches and see if they have mother's morning out programs and enroll the kids so you can have some time to yourself. They will enjoy the time with the other kids and you will have some "me time". Some daycares have drop-in rates too, so you could drop them off and go get a mai/pedi or go home and take a nap, or whatever. Take care of yourself. there is nothing wrong with that and you will be a better mommy if you do.  (((Hugs)))

by Anonymous 26 on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:46 PM

You are not abnormal. I was almost roboctic. I was operating on automactic as a parent. I did not realize I was miserable until recently. I felt like I did not have a life. My life was drop kids off pick kids up go to work, cook dinner. Then it seemed like I started all over again. My dh spent time fussing about the house and the up keep. I finally had to bust his bubble and tell him you don't make enough money for a maid so get off your ass and do it yourself. At my worse I was working fulltime, going to school fulltime and taking care of four kids and my FIL it was a non stop life. Whatever you do, do not lose yourself

To your own self be true and take time out for yourself. Don't get older like I did and live with I wish. If you have someting you want to do just do it.

by Gold Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:50 PM

There is NO WAY to be a perfect mom...... But a million ways to be a good one. <My favorite phrase. i don't think any of us are all that crazy about messes and giving up our perfect bodies. And I can't function on less than eight hours of sleep either. That doesn't mean we are bad moms, it means we are good moms because we sacrifice even though the sacrificing is hard.  When your kids get older you will get some of your you time back. until then be sure to schedule girls days and stuff to get you through.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:59 PM
3 moms liked this

I think you're projecting something onto moms that you see that may not be a true reflection of how they feel. Other moms likely feel the exact way you do... they probably look at you and see you as 'having it all together' when you feel that you don't. We are all good at putting on our masks and putting on a show.

I'm a mom of three- I was a SAHM for 10 years, now I am a WAHM. I still get tired. I am SERIOUSLY tired most days. I have insomnia and tend to be unable to sleep at night and then am exhausted during the day. Having babies up at night definitely set back a sleep pattern that was already less than optimal. Other moms are tired too- they might not look it, but they probably are. I love my kids more than anything, but I also need time to do 'me' things. There's only so many hours a day I can spend reading children's books and talking about Star Wars. I do still want to go out with friends, spend time with grownups, make my hair presentable, etc. Trust me when I say that this gets better with time. When I had three under five years, none of that got done either. Now that they are all between 6 and 10, I'm more able to do that. Sometimes you have to work hard to make time for those things... sometimes it's very hard, sometimes not even possible, but keep trying to make time, and know in time it does get easier.

Like I said, you aren't different from most of the moms I know... definitely no different from me. Other moms may look like they have it together all the time, but they have the same feelings you do. After my third was born I had major PPD and felt like I was drowning every second of every day... and later on, people commended me on how good I was at juggling three young kids. The face you put on for the world does not necessarily reflect the way you feel inside. Hang in there, and you're certainly not alone.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:59 PM

Well holy are in my head! Everything you wrote could have come straight from my mouth...exept the rock star body part. I don't think I've ever had a body that nice. But...the clutter...URGH! Drives me absolutely mad. Both DH and I were neat freaks before kids. Thirteen years and four kids after having my first, and we still get very upset at the disarray. I sometimes just want to run around throwing everything in the floor, tear the curtains down and the pictures off the wall and scream at them, "Is this what you want? Are you happy now?!" I have been assured by some of my friends with older kids that this is a phase that will pass, and that we will one day have the spotless house back. One can only hope!

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:24 PM

I am  SAHM and feel the exact same way.  I always feel like there is something wrong with me because I just don't think I'm as "good" as the other mothers.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:28 PM
This post has made me feel so much better. I throw away 99% of my five year olds' drawings. I don't like having tea parties. And watching cartoons makes me want to claw my eyes out. But I do adore my kids
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by Anonymous 14 on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:41 PM
I feel bad for the kids involved that everyone here seems to claim I love my children or child as the case may be but yet you resent them for not only disrupting your oh so perfect lives as well as your husbands for the kids being noisy while you have a headache or whatever the case may be you want the kids to be adults when they are not then you have the moms who felt distant from their kids instead of getting help they let it go on for years that you suggest leaving them with day cares or someone else so you can go on dates spend time away from the kids or even protest when you have kids or more then one if you didn't want a kid then you should have had your tubes tied or your husband snipped if you work you still resent having to come home to kids and a half ass husband who had no problem help making the kids but doesn't feel or want to help take care of them because they are babies or toddlers he needs a good wake up call they are kids Man I really hope the children you brought into this world gets love from someone and if the girls become pregnant or the boys get a girl pregnant as a teen it's because again you feel that they took or take to much from you and you will be glad when they are gone and grown and I hope for your sake you can find it somewhere in your selfish heart if you have one to grow up and love the kids if you can't bring your self to then you should have used birth control both have been fixed or given the babies up for adoption as you are the kind of people who have no right having kids
I'm not a troll just someone who sees people like you useless and a waste of space
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:45 PM

OMG You sound just like me. Except I don't feel like a failure. I feel very successful that I've made it work. You should about yourself, too!


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