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For women who have been cheated on and stayed.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

How did you find it in your heart to forgive him? How long did it take? Did the feeling of resentment and disgust ever go away? Was it worth pulling through? 
I feel like total crap. He wants another chance and we just had a baby girl.... she needs her dad, but I'm hurting so bad. 

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:46 PM
Replies (51-60):
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:23 AM

I am not ready to fully forgive him, so I will wait. Thank you for the advice.

Quoting Grumpylilpixy:

He messed around 4 years ago. Some women can get through it. Forgive him fully and move on.

My husband ( This happened before we married) Work hard for several years before we married  We have been married 2 years now and this happened 4 years ago. The resentment is hard to get over. I fight with it alot and constantly question if I should just move on.

I honestly don't have answers for you. You have to find them on your own to be honest because you know you, best.

by Anonymous 22 on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:28 AM

My Dh cheated over 4 years ago. We separated for 8 months. I genuinely thought we were headed straight for divorce. We ended up reconciling. I wouldn't change my decision at all. I, like you, feel we are both better people and better suited for each other than we were before. I decided to forgive him, so I left it there. It rarely comes up, but we are at a place where we can talk about it when it does without the other person getting mad. I love that man more now then I did before.

Quoting BeautyFull:

The good things outweighted the bad by far.. We had 2 son on I had just given birth to, I was about 25 and I told myself divorce aint something that I want.  And I am not trying to bring another man into my sons life.  I made up in my mind that I will forgive and move on, it hurt like HELL...I am not sure how long it lasted because I cant tell exactly when it went away.  I do not regret on moment that I have stayed because both of us became better persons.  I must admitt he is better now than he was before he cheated.   But guess what, I am not the only one.  I know a few ladies from my church that stayed with their husbands and they to feel as if their husbands are better than they were before.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:29 AM
When I found out my DH was having an affair, I was devistated. In the days following there was much crying, screaming and talking. In the end, we decided to stay together. For many reasons. It takes longer to forget than it does to forgive, but as time goes by, it does get easier. The hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal fade, but it took a long time. Even longer to trust him completely again. This was ten years ago.
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by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:52 AM

Ok, here is a different perspective. I was a serial cheater. Of course, I also had a sex addiction which is very different than just cheating for the sake of cheating, but either way I needed help. I finally got the help I needed and I am now better. I have slipped. I have made so many mistakes. I have put my poor husband through hell. He has stayed by my side no matter what. He has chosen to love me through it all. Not a day goes by that I do not thank  God for him. 

He could have left me at any moment, and he would have been in his right to do so. The difference is I didn't want to cheat. I wanted my husband and my marriage to work. I tried, and I did mess up. But I finally dealt with the pain that caused me to act the way I did, and I am doing much better. I also renewed my faith which has helped tremendously.  I love my husband with all my heart, and I am happy he has decided to love me unconditionally. I am very lucky. 

Their has to be rules though. I have to be 100% transparent. I can not have any secrets. He has to know all my passwords, my email address, etc. He has access to my phone, everything. I made a vow to be 100% honest, even if the truth hurt. Because Id rather tell him the truth about something then let it build into something much worse. 

Good Luck.

by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:04 AM
My hubby tried to cheat 6 years ago (he couldn't get it up for the whore), and it took a long ass time to get thru it. We used a notebook and talked thru it, because when we tried to actually talk about, we would scream and tell and cry and nothing good came out of that. After about a year we burned the notebook. We weren't married at the time, but we had been together for almost 8 years and didn't want to start over. We got married 2 years ago and have more trust in each other than we have in a long time. But he tends to check in way more often than he needs to, but I'm not complaining.
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by Anonymous 17 on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:07 AM

I had an affair, too. I'm not going to talk about my part of it, but his. He never told me he loved me, even though I told him I loved him. He said he loved his wife. He wouldn't take his ring off. He said what we were having was a short-term fling. He was very upfront that he was just in it for curiosity, sex, physical comfort, and the admiration I had for him. Stinks for me, huh? He stayed with his wife and as far as I know she still does not know after many, many years. Why wouldn't she keep someone like that, even if she did find out? Yes, technically he cheated--with his body--but not his heart. His heart always belonged to his wife.

by Anonymous 23 on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:26 AM

How did you find it in your heart to forgive him? He was actually sorry for what he'd done. How long did it take? About 3 weeks. Did the feeling of resentment and disgust ever go away? I only feel resentment and it hasn't gone away.  Was it worth pulling through? I'm not sure yet. We're both still a work in progress.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 8:11 AM
1 mom liked this

Dont stay in a bad relationship for your kids.  It sounds like it was over a long time ago when he went and f$cked someone else.  Why do you feel like you deserve to be hurt, disrespected and treated like trash.  I hope to God he wasnt sleeping with you at the same time, or while you were pregnant.  He has total disregard for you and your child if he is willing to throw it all away for a peice of ass.  I say focus on you and the baby.. move on..maybe daddy will pull up his big boy panties and be a man and a father.  Let him see what he is missing.  If you forgive his betrayal soooo easily, he will do it again...., cuz he can.  Have strength for you and your little one.  No daughter deserves to have a peice of shit dad that disrespects her mother.  The pain is very real..and it will get better if you let it.  Ask yourself or better yet ask him why he cheated?  Did it make him feel special, wanted, needed?  My father sexually abused me and cheated on my mother with both men and women.  I didnt need to be apart of that.  Give your dauhter a mother to be proud of.  Have faith in you and the rest will fall into place.  Have a blessed day! Xoxo

The Niche Witch

by Anonymous 24 on Feb. 6, 2013 at 9:40 AM

I'm not going to tell you what to do, you need to make that decision on your own.  I will tell you my experience though....

DH cheated (the  first time) and knowingly esposed himself to a STD.  He then exposed me to it, but did not tell me b/c that would have meant telling me he had cheated.  Well eventually he did tell me. We were tested.  I tested positive.  He claimed that he was negative. he begged for my forgiveness, and since I am a Christian and I believe in forgiveness, I forgave him and wanted our marriage to work out.   To keep him safe, and not give anything to him (since he claimed he was negative, I insisted that we use condoms.  He didn't like that. ~ TOO BAD).

 We had sex ONCE after that.  He NEVER even tried to touch me again, never responded to MY advances (except to rudely leave the room). He acted like the whole incident was MY FAULT.  We had 2 school age kids at home, he travelled for business, I worked part time. When he was home, he was 'too busy' to spend time with me, and when he did the cell phone was constantly on and by his side as he would answer texts during lunches with me, or rudely leave the table to go talk on the phone. (Before this he would have not taken a call during a meal, or he would have spoken in front of me).  Strangely enough, at that time he started spending more time with our son, becoming his sports team coach.  I was happy that DH was taking such an interest in the kid's activities.  To me, it was a worthwhile trade.  I had wanted to go to counselling.  I had mentioned and suggested it.  He refused.  Said he had no desire to talk to others about our issues.  He claimed that there was NOTHING wrong,  that we just had to get past it.

I know that sometimes there are rough patches in a relationship.  He took the opportunity to meet women on line to meet up with them in the cities he was travelling to, to have sex with them.  Since he was travelling for business, and I am not in the same industry, it's not that I didn't have an interest in his job, I just felt that much of it was truly none of my business.

Despite all the issues, I had stayed.  I didn't want my kids growing up in a one parent home.  (It was later pointed out to me that basically they already were essentially in a one parent home, as he had checked out a long time ago).

I later found out that he had cheat more times. TWICE more that he admitted.  In fact, the latest one moved to where we are so she could marry him. (We weren't even separated YET at that time).  He claimed that he wanted our marriage to end, (obviously).  I pointed out that there is no such thing as the 'unmarry fairy' and that to become unmarried that we would need to file for divorce.  He then told me that if I was to get lawyers involved that 'I'd be sorry, so I better think carefully about making that sort of decision" (yup, I thought REALLY carefully...)  He then claimed that since we had had sex AFTER he had cheated, that essentially I had forgiven him, so (in his opinion HA HA) I could NOT claim infidelity. (Not true, he had had 2 more partners after that that he had admitted to).  So I filed.  And now the kids and I struggle, however both my kids know that a man should not treat a woman as their dad treated me, and a woman should not allow a man to treat her that way.

I had forgiven him, but he didn't change.  I think that what he took as my forgiveness was permission to repeat the action. OVER AND OVER AGAIN...

by Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 10:03 AM

It is very hard. My hubby cheated on me in Aug/Sept, I caught him in Sept. I still have a very hard time with it. I have a very hard time trusting him. He says he is sorry and he regrets it and he wants to make our marriage work. I finally made him tell me details, so that I didn't sit and think and wonder what they did. We are still a work in progress. But we have 2 children and almost 15 years together.....that isn't worth throwing away. I believe our marriage is worth saving and fighting for. But you need to go with your gut and your heart. Everyone handles this situation differently.

Message me if you want to talk.

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