Its 2:30am. I have to be up for work at 4 and can't sleep. Tomorrow right after work I'm going to meet my new psychiatrist. I've posted a bit about myself before but I don't think most ppl know me here - I'm 25 and I was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality about 10 yrs ago. Roughly 15 mood syabalizers, antidepressants, anti psychotics, anxiety meds later...we've still not found the correct medicine or cocktail of meds for me. I was hospitalized for a week back in 2011 for a break down, in 2009 I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt, as well as in 2005 (I was in hs that time) Because of the borderline I've struggled with anorexia (for the control) since 13 off and on. I've been to a range of counselors, therapists, psychologists, and religious counselors. The last meds I was put on was Lithium. Nothing works.
Tomorrow I'm meeting my psych to discuss the possibility of ECT (electroconvulsive therapy, or shock therapy as it were) or/and TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments. Both are low risk and more safe to do while pregnant than messing with meds. I'm just done with this fight. I've felt awful for too long, and I'm done. I need out somehow. I need unstuck. I'm excited to explore the possibilities of these treatments but i'm terrified.
This isn't just the end of MY rope. Its not just scraping the bottom of the barrel of possible treatments on my end - but the doctors sides too. What happens if it doesn't work? Where do I go from there? Uhg...just need to vent. Sorry gals!
on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:39 AM