I found out a week ago that my ex husband died and I haven't really talked about it at all because I don't want my husband to know how I feel about it.
I'm sad, he was a good man, we just weren't right for each other.
I'm mad, he died of a drug overdose, but he was the one that got me off of drugs... he literally SAT ON ME to keep me from going to get high when I was detoxing... he saved my life and I'm so very angry that he fell into the trap that he helped to release me from.
I need to talk about this, but I don't have friends that wont judge me and I can't talk to my husband about it... what kind of man would be okay with holding his wife while she cries over another man?
Are my feelings normal? I feel so conflicted. When we divorced we did so as friends, we even went out to eat after court and celebrated a new beginning for each of us. We had nothing to fight over, no kids or debt. And he was a great guy; hard working, kind, thoughtful... We both moved on and stayed in touch for a while, but lost touch after he joined the Army. I feel strange for this, but finding out he died feels like I lost a part of myself, and I don't understand why because I know my husband is the man who was made for me, and me for him.
I spoke to my husband. I had already told him that J was dead and that I was flying home to help his mother, but I hadn't told him or shown him how upset I was until tonight. He completely understood and asked me what took me so long to come to him. I told him I just didn't understand my feelings, and I didn't think he would either; he just smiled and kissed me and told me I ought to know better, then he got my box of pictures out of the closet and said I should look through them, keep a few for myself and pick some to give to J's mother. He sat there with me as I told him stories about the photos and hugged and kissed me while I cried.
Thank you all so much for letting me know that my feelings are normal, I felt so very alone and it was this group that helped me start to grieve. If it hadn't been for you wonderful ladies I would have kept fighting with myself over my emotions and I just want you all to know that you really helped someone today.