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My husband is abusing me.. is it possible to save our marriage? UPDATE on page 32

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 I've been with my husband for three years.  We have two small children together. 

 The abuse didn't start until i was pregnant with our first child. When I say abuse, I want to clarify what I'm talking about. He's emotionally and verbally abusive in a sence that he belittles me frequently, talks to me like I'm inferior to him, screams at me & picks on me for my shortcomings, usually when we are fighting. He always seems to find a way to blame me whenever things happen. When he hits me, its always out of anger and doesn't happen on a constant basis. It usually depends on how stressed out he is. He doesn't usually leave bruise marks. He chokes and punches me. Never in the face but he has punched me in the back of the head a few times. 

Today we got into an arguement  over struggles that we are having financially. I feel like we should handle these things together, but he always  gets worked up and takes it out on me. Today we were in our bedroom. The kids were playing & I was trying to talk to him about our situation. He took a temper tantrum and walked off. You would think the fact that I know how he gets when he's upset would have made me stay upstairs, and I should have, but I went downstairs & tried to talk to him. I left the children upstairs, baby gate was up so they couldn't get out. Things got heated between him and I so I went upstairs to sit with my kids. When I got up there, they were sitting on my bed covered head to toe in powdered Ajax. I hid it behind my dresser awhile ago and forgot about it. My oldest toddler somehow found it (it wasn't out in the open or an easy to reach place I swear). I panicked and ran them into the bathtub. I brang them downstairs to get diapers put on them. I handed my youngest to him (1 yo) and started putting a diaper on my toddler. He suddenly freaked out. He sat the baby on the couch, ran over to me and started punching me. I huddled in a ball & kept repeating "please stop, please stop". My children were crying and that made me cry. Eventually he did stop. The children getting into Ajax was the trigger, he was angry because I "allowed" it to happen.  This was probably the worst incedence as of now. 

I desperately want to make my marriage work. He's a good man and I know he loves me, as surprising as that sounds. He grew up in a very violent home and doesn't seem to know how to have a normal relationship. He feels like he has to "punish" me when he feels I've done wrong. He has a very sweet side  typically and hasn't hit our kids. 

What I'm worried about is firstly, he doesn't mind doing this in front of our kids and lastly he seems to be getting worse. I don't want to leave him and I'm willing to try anything. Have any of you had a successful abusive relationship? 


Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:39 PM
Replies (641-641):
by Bronze Member on Mar. 1, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Ok, first to clarify something.  You say that he's a good man & that he loves you.  No, sweetie, a GOOD man will NEVER lay his hand on any woman in anger.  EVER!!!  What you are describing is someone who refuses to take responsibility over his own issues.  THIS IS NOT, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, YOUR FAULT!!!  HIS TANTRUMS ARE HIS OWN FAULT!!!  You need to get you & your children out of there!  I grew up in an abusive home and let me be the first to tell you, JUST BECAUSE you grow up in an abusive home, does not give ANYONE the right to hurt others.  Just because he doesn't hit your kids YET doesn't mean he won't.  TRUST ME!!! When I say it will only get worse!!  DO YOU HEAR ME?  IT WILL GET WORSE!!!  My dad beat up my mom.  But it started with belittling ~ mental & emotional abuse FOR YEARS.  They were married for 7 years before having me (their only child) & I never saw him hit her til I was 9 years old.  He started hitting her when I was about 7 or 8.  When I was 10 he punched me in the face so hard he spun me around & I would've hit the floor with my face except he was holding onto my hair ... apparently trying to rip it from my head.  & still she didn't leave.  PLEASE do not do this to your kids.  I understand wanting to work on your marriage, but honey, until he goes to counseling, changes his ways completely, he will not change.  

YOU need to do the hard part.  You need to leave & do better for your kids.  YOU WERE NOT CREATED TO BE SOMEONE'S PUNCHING BAG!!!  Not physically or emotionally or mentally or sexually ~ someone's punching bag. You need to get out!!!  I CANNOT stress this enough!!!  GO to your family, your friends, a counselor, a church member, the police... get the word out there!!!  YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!!  He can ONLY change himself!  YOU have never gone to him & asked him to hurt you & even if you had, the fact that he does makes HIM less of a man.  It makes him a 2 yr old trapped in a big man's body throwing a hissy fit & you and the kids are getting caught in the crossfire!!  & You need to get couseling for you & the kids... don't let this become a cycle for you or for them!!!  & when you leave... you might do it on the down low... or have the cops there while you are moving out &/or kicking him out!!!

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