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My husband is abusing me.. is it possible to save our marriage? UPDATE on page 32

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 I've been with my husband for three years.  We have two small children together. 

 The abuse didn't start until i was pregnant with our first child. When I say abuse, I want to clarify what I'm talking about. He's emotionally and verbally abusive in a sence that he belittles me frequently, talks to me like I'm inferior to him, screams at me & picks on me for my shortcomings, usually when we are fighting. He always seems to find a way to blame me whenever things happen. When he hits me, its always out of anger and doesn't happen on a constant basis. It usually depends on how stressed out he is. He doesn't usually leave bruise marks. He chokes and punches me. Never in the face but he has punched me in the back of the head a few times. 

Today we got into an arguement  over struggles that we are having financially. I feel like we should handle these things together, but he always  gets worked up and takes it out on me. Today we were in our bedroom. The kids were playing & I was trying to talk to him about our situation. He took a temper tantrum and walked off. You would think the fact that I know how he gets when he's upset would have made me stay upstairs, and I should have, but I went downstairs & tried to talk to him. I left the children upstairs, baby gate was up so they couldn't get out. Things got heated between him and I so I went upstairs to sit with my kids. When I got up there, they were sitting on my bed covered head to toe in powdered Ajax. I hid it behind my dresser awhile ago and forgot about it. My oldest toddler somehow found it (it wasn't out in the open or an easy to reach place I swear). I panicked and ran them into the bathtub. I brang them downstairs to get diapers put on them. I handed my youngest to him (1 yo) and started putting a diaper on my toddler. He suddenly freaked out. He sat the baby on the couch, ran over to me and started punching me. I huddled in a ball & kept repeating "please stop, please stop". My children were crying and that made me cry. Eventually he did stop. The children getting into Ajax was the trigger, he was angry because I "allowed" it to happen.  This was probably the worst incedence as of now. 

I desperately want to make my marriage work. He's a good man and I know he loves me, as surprising as that sounds. He grew up in a very violent home and doesn't seem to know how to have a normal relationship. He feels like he has to "punish" me when he feels I've done wrong. He has a very sweet side  typically and hasn't hit our kids. 

What I'm worried about is firstly, he doesn't mind doing this in front of our kids and lastly he seems to be getting worse. I don't want to leave him and I'm willing to try anything. Have any of you had a successful abusive relationship? 


Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:39 PM
Replies (21-30):
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:49 PM
Let me repeat back what you're saying - "He 's super sweet and loves me, except when he's beating me up in front of our kids." Nothing about that seems wrong to you??

Also, he hasn't hit the kids SO FAR, but he has escalated, right? So if he continues to get away with it, whose to say it won't escalate to that? I can almost guarantee that it will. Even so, them witnessing the abuse is bad enough.
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by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:51 PM
1 mom liked this

you also have the right to press charges.  leave but also go to the police, get a restraining order

by Platinum Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:51 PM
Love is necessary but not sufficient
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:51 PM
1 mom liked this
He's not a good man. He's an abusive piece of shit. If your dd told you exactly what you just told us, what would you say? Leave. Please. Please get out of there.
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by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:51 PM

My biggest fears are that my children are both girls and I don't want them to look for that in their own relationships and I am afraid one day he might end up killing me.. not intentionally, by accident. If he ever laid a hand on one of my girls it would be a done deal. 

Quoting reava:

It may be possible but it is unlikely that you will be able to fix it before he kills you. Leave now. Do it for your kids before he ends up hurting them too.

by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:51 PM
1 mom liked this

Since he grew up in a violent home and has no clue on how relationships work other then abusing the woman, means he needs therapy. He needs to see what he is doing to you and to the kids. Your kids are going to grow up in this same cycle. Unless you get out and NOW!!!!! Unless your husband is willing to change go to a shrink, get anger mgmt, and family counseling for all, he will continue to abuse you and eventually your kids. Your marriage can be saved only if hes willing to make the change to became a real man and not some pos asshat who abuses his wife and kids.

by Anonymous 7 on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:52 PM
1 mom liked this
On the off chance you are not trolling...of course you can't save this marriage. He will hurt or kill you and your children. Get out.

But I am very suspicious of a new member, who sounds fairly unbelievable and says she has 1 kid on her profile but several in real life...
by Navy Mom on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:52 PM

You are going to have children who are abusive to their spouses if you don't break the cycle.  You are not the one who needs to change, your husband is and at this point is is probably far too damaged.  

Call the police, file a report, and get him gone before he kills you.  God only knows what kind of damage he's done to your brain already from punching you on the back of the head.  What is it going to take to make you wake up and realize that you are not going to make him change.  It's just a matter til he starts beating your children as well.

by Anonymous 8 on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:52 PM
1 mom liked this

 Hes not "sweet" or a "good man". Hes an abuser plain and simple. Get out, and run before he KILLS YOU!!!

Good god woman...You have 2 children to think about.  Get the hell out and find some help for yourself.  

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:52 PM


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