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My husband is abusing me.. is it possible to save our marriage? UPDATE on page 32

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 I've been with my husband for three years.  We have two small children together. 

 The abuse didn't start until i was pregnant with our first child. When I say abuse, I want to clarify what I'm talking about. He's emotionally and verbally abusive in a sence that he belittles me frequently, talks to me like I'm inferior to him, screams at me & picks on me for my shortcomings, usually when we are fighting. He always seems to find a way to blame me whenever things happen. When he hits me, its always out of anger and doesn't happen on a constant basis. It usually depends on how stressed out he is. He doesn't usually leave bruise marks. He chokes and punches me. Never in the face but he has punched me in the back of the head a few times. 

Today we got into an arguement  over struggles that we are having financially. I feel like we should handle these things together, but he always  gets worked up and takes it out on me. Today we were in our bedroom. The kids were playing & I was trying to talk to him about our situation. He took a temper tantrum and walked off. You would think the fact that I know how he gets when he's upset would have made me stay upstairs, and I should have, but I went downstairs & tried to talk to him. I left the children upstairs, baby gate was up so they couldn't get out. Things got heated between him and I so I went upstairs to sit with my kids. When I got up there, they were sitting on my bed covered head to toe in powdered Ajax. I hid it behind my dresser awhile ago and forgot about it. My oldest toddler somehow found it (it wasn't out in the open or an easy to reach place I swear). I panicked and ran them into the bathtub. I brang them downstairs to get diapers put on them. I handed my youngest to him (1 yo) and started putting a diaper on my toddler. He suddenly freaked out. He sat the baby on the couch, ran over to me and started punching me. I huddled in a ball & kept repeating "please stop, please stop". My children were crying and that made me cry. Eventually he did stop. The children getting into Ajax was the trigger, he was angry because I "allowed" it to happen.  This was probably the worst incedence as of now. 

I desperately want to make my marriage work. He's a good man and I know he loves me, as surprising as that sounds. He grew up in a very violent home and doesn't seem to know how to have a normal relationship. He feels like he has to "punish" me when he feels I've done wrong. He has a very sweet side  typically and hasn't hit our kids. 

What I'm worried about is firstly, he doesn't mind doing this in front of our kids and lastly he seems to be getting worse. I don't want to leave him and I'm willing to try anything. Have any of you had a successful abusive relationship? 


Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:39 PM
Replies (631-640):
by Anonymous 102 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 5:33 AM

Mine or the OP? My children and I left.

Quoting stepdiva:

The sad truth of this is that every one of us who are so insulted for you, are blowing smoke because you have no intention of leaving. I feel for you children.

Quoting Anonymous:

               I think you should still file a report. You can file a report and drop charges. Just show you made an effort. You may want it on record because my husband always agreed he needed help and went and played the role. Then he snapped so bad one day police and CPS came called by others. I had no proof it wasn't just him and they said even if it was just him, I was unfit for not removing my children after the first time when children are involved there legally is no one more time; that they would do it for me. So you will have documented that the two of you went to a domestic violence therapist which they can get the records from if you want your kids placed with you or family (as well as all other doctors you have seen and the kids have seen) which will show, in their eyes and CPS words - you gave him a second chance over protecting your children.

                Sad stuff, but real stuff. I think if you think you can make it work, maybe give it another shot. But you need things properly documented, maybe send the kids to grandma or something for a while, ect. The things is it was bad enough it left marks (assuming?) and terrible enough your children saw it, can verbally repeat it, and cried. That's emotional child abuse. Just be careful. I think you should send the kids "camping" or "vacationing" or "visiting" if even just for a short time. Send check or money order with descriptive payment "for X &X food and care while with X" and keep the carbon or receipt. I trust you know if your kids are in danger or just you, I also trust (and people seem to think its nonsense but I doubt they have lived it or even looked at the stats of women killed when leaving partners) that you know if it's more safe to stay or go right now. Only you know really. But all I am saying, is the whole world often works against you even though they all say they will advocate for you. The laws are funny, the world believes and trust these men (that's why they are so good at it and crimes against women especially by a live in partner are among the fastest growing in the USA) , and you need to protect the kids and yourself. You may never, ever, ever, ever need it. It might be wasted money in transit and inconvenience with school and care but if you do need it it will be worth every breath you have ever taken.

Good Luck & Good Health to you.

Quoting Anonymous:

Hi guys, I want to thank all of you for your kind words and supportment.. it meaned more to me last night then you know. I listened to everything everyone had to say, and spent half of my night awake thinking. You are all right.. this has to stop NOW. I did alot of research last night and found a well reputed therapist that deals specifically with domestic abuse. I talked to my husband when he woke up & he agreed  that he needs help. I called and made an appointment for next week. I told him that if he doesn't go through with this &  lays his hands on me  ONE more time the girls and I are gone. I told him that I wouldn't call the police, but  I will file for divorce.  I have high expectations that this will work. If not, I've already planned on leaving without him knowing and going to my brothers  (he lives 3 hours away, my husband has never been to his house) & taking it from there. Fingers crossed, this will work though! Thank you for letting me lean on your shoulders ladies :')

by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 1:14 PM

Abusive men do not change ever.  Anger Management classes help sopmetimes to an extent, but I worked in the feild of Domestic Violence court ordered therapies and those men do not change.  One day he will injure or kill you or you children.  Get out and do not look back.

by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 2:40 PM

Ok, from experience, you can have this relationship BUT there's only one way! He will continue to be abusive, you will continue to take it. That's the only way this works out. It WILL get worse! He will eventually abuse your children the same way he does to you. If you can accept him doing it to you...I understand, because you need some help & what he's done to you emotionally makes you excuse what he does. However, if you love your CHILDREN, you need to leave. Because he CAN NOT change!!!! Period. I know how hard this is, I DO! Please get some help! please leave! He will say he'll change, he'll even say he'll get help maybe AND he might even mean it. But it won't work. Like you said, he came from a very abusive family, it's all he knows. He won't change sweetie. Get out!

by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 3:02 PM
I totally feel for you. I am basically in the same situation emotionally. I believe my boyfriend loves me and doesn't want to hurt me even though he is about to go to trial for felonious assault for our last argument. I love him with all my heart, but wonder if a person really can change.
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by Anonymous 138 on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:55 AM
Take from someone who has been there. I was in a very abusive relationship he was physically and mentally abusive. He wanted me to feel like I was nothing without him and for a long time that's how I felt. The abuse never stopped even though he promised me after every beating he was going to get help and he was going to stop he didn't i was always at fault If he bad a bad day at work it was my fault if I didn't cook what he wanted or have the house spotless or if I didn't dress a certain way or answer the phone on the first ring or have his dinner on the table and hot when he walked in the door you name it and I got beat for it. He was so jealous if another man even looked at me it was because I wanted him and I did something to get the other guys attention so it was my fault and I got beat. we were together for five years and I put up with his crap for 4 1/2 years. He almost killed me twice and the second time he killed our unborn child I had just found out I was pregnant and I was happy I thought he would be so happy that he would change. I don't even remember what I did but he was angry before he even walked in the door and he started and I kept screaming for him to stop I was pregnant and he slammed me into the door and my lower back hit the door knob and my feet just went out from under me and I fell and be kicked me in the the stomach and back I was curled up in a ball and he finally exhausted himself it was too late I knew before the blood started I was already in so much pain from the beating I had to crawl to the bathroom I ended up passing out and woke up in the hospital and apparently he told them I fell down the stairs. I couldn't even look at him he begged me for my forgiveness and then got pissed and blamed me because I made him act like that as if I wanted him to do that to me he told me I didn't want his baby or I wouldn't have made him so angry can you imagine hearing that after you just lost a baby. I had my parents come to the hospital to come get me and help me get my things. He had destroyed my life and the life of my sweet baby. I wish I had listened to my mom and best friend and left him but I wanted it to work I knew he could change and I could help him change I was so stupid and it cost me greatly I think about my baby every day it's a hurt that never fully goes away. I have since found a wonderful man who is kind gentle and who loves me and has NEVER laid a hand on me we have two beautiful boys. Do yourself and your girls a favor and get out before its too late.
by Anonymous 139 on Feb. 11, 2013 at 3:06 PM

You are responsible for your children's well being. How will you feel when he leaves one of the kids for dead? will it be worth it beacuse YOU cam't leave him? If you don't have enough self esteem to leave him for your own good, leave him for your kids.

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 3:12 PM

Dear you are a fool, it is only a matter of time before the children are victims, just wait til they are bigger.  The verbal abuse was bad enough, but the fact that he is physical, oh no, stop making excuses, you need to take your babies & leave.  This is no situation for any of you.  He needs serious counseling & therapy before I would even consider trying to make it work, but I would not be living with him at all until his counselor not him told you he had a handle on his behavior.  You need to get out now.

by Anonymous 140 on Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:09 PM
I experienced see my step dad hit my mom. It's not just you in the situation it has an affect on the kids too.

How long do you sacrifice yours and your children's happiness?
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:16 AM

Why are you making excuses for him?  More importantly, why would you want to stay and be a punching bag for this petty tyrant?  TAKE THE KIDS AND GET OUT WHILE YOU ARE ALL STILL ALIVE!!!!

Trust me, your kids deserve a happy, healthy home environment and this is NOT one!  Good luck!

by Anonymous 141 on Feb. 22, 2013 at 8:34 AM
If he was asking for help there MIGHT be hope. But hes not. You need counseling to figure out why its ok for you to get beat up. Your not gonna stand up to him for your kids and of you get pissed and fight back your kids go to foster care to get more screwed up. You are allowing your children to be emotionally abused. I filed a restraining order against the love of my life, he promised to get help. I fell for it got held prisoner with my son for 3hours while he described killing me. 2 years of counseling later and im embarrassed it put up with it. Its not easy, its necessary. Go get help
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