Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Now that my kids don't need anyone at home, I don't think my DH needs to stay home ADDED, seconded addtion with POLL

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 

Poll

Question: What do you think? BTW there really is no "happy medium" like him going to work only during the day. He is an RN (registered nurse) and therefore his shifts would be 12 hours long.

Options:

DH should go back to work

DH should stay home and our family should just cut back so that he can stay home with 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 809

View Results

We are a blended family, I have full custody of my 4 kids and DH has 50/50 of his 2 kids. When we married 4 years ago, we decided that since I make about $90,000 a year and DH would make about $36,000 it would make sense for him to stay at home. My kids were 11, 9, 7 and 6, his were 6 and 3 and we needed to have someone home full time. But now my kids are 15, 13, 11 and 10 and don't need anyone home with them. As long as one of the two older kids are home, which one is always home right after school, they younger two are fine and quit frankly, we could use the extra income with 6 kids between us.

His ex is a SAHM (her DH works) and could easily have their kids full time with him getting standard visitation of every other weekend and one evening a week.

I spoke with him about this and he went ape shit on me about it. He said that it's not fair that now that only his kids need someone home, I am not ok with him staying at home. Well there is an alternative, when all the kids needed someone, there wasn't someone who could keep all of them while we worked. I don't get to stay home with my kids, I have worked full time since mine were little and for the past 4 years, to support this family, including his children. I just feel like he is being very selfish to expect to get to stay home. His kids don't need 2 stay at home parents, they just don't.

ADDED

For those who say this isn't fair to him, this arrangement was made when there was no other option, when we had 6 kids between the two of us that all needed someone at home. That is no longer the case, his kids can go to their mom's and my kids are fine at home. IMO he can't complain because at least he got to do this for the past 4 years, I was never afforded the opportunity because he simply didn't make enough to support us on his own. It's not fair that I work my ass off while he stays at home and there is no need for him to, his kids do not need BOTH of their parents to be stay at home parents, they just don't.

I am really surprised just how many responses I have gotten. For those who say he needs to stay at home and that it's "only fair" please explain to me why his 2 kids NEED both of their parents to be stay at home parents but that my 4 kids don't need their ONE bio parent at home (that is assuming that we all agree that someone in the household needs to make money). Also, why should our whole family make cutbacks so that DH can stay at home for 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time anyway?

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 9, 2013 at 7:47 PM
Replies (291-300):
SoKamele
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:47 AM
1 mom liked this

Then you are doing what you can.

I'm saying for us......the older our child gets the more he will need us......esp when he hits the teenage years. So I will always be available on a full time basis for him......even when I work.....it will only be when he is in school.

People fool themselves into thinking the older the child......the less supervison.

Quoting Anonymous:

Both my husband and I work full time and I'm always available to my kids if they are sick or a field trip comes up, etc...


Quoting SoKamele:

I believe one parent should always be available.



Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:48 AM
You STILL don't get it! You are saying he should give up custody of his kids, that is a BS move! So if it were the other way around and you were a sahm and your exh was a sahd you would be okay just seeing your kids eowe and letting your exh keep them the majority of the time since you have to go back to work? I HIGHLY doubt you wouldn't flip out on him at merely suggesting it! THAT is where the problem lies.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:49 AM
So...now that YOUR kids are older, you want him to basically slash the time with his kids in half?

I can see why he went ape shit. It's probably the way you handled it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Actually, my husband and I have children together as well as we help raise his child. Either way, it is OUR family. We have taken turns being stay at home parents as needed. I would never expect MY husband to put aside parenting his child our expect just OUR kids to be more important than his. A REAL MAN puts family first. That does NOT mean just money in my opinion. I didn't realize you lived in the 19th century where women stayed home and took a shit with their husband's permission and stayed at home while men worked to.provide for their family. I thought in this modern day and age, it makes sense for a FAMILY to decide together that is best and if that means mom is capable.of making the most money then mom should work. Smh.

Quoting Anonymous:

You sound like someone has fucked you over before. And who cares if she loves him or not that was not the issues. I think you wrong. He needs to be a man and support that family instead a woman has to do it. please. No real man would let her wife do all this bs.



Quoting Anonymous:

Then she never should have asked him to stay home. She should've sucked it up from the beginning and they should've just both worked and paid for child care. SHE ASKED HIM TO STAY HOME because THEY had SIX small children home, but now that just HERS are big enough to stay home he needs to go to work? He should give up his 50/50 custody to go to work because she feels differently now that SHE no longer needs him home for hers. She's a user plain and simple. She used him for free child care. Who knows. Maybe she doesn't love him or his kids to to begin with. After all, it is all about HER kids. She never mentions OUR family. It is HERS and HIS. She obviously feels her kids are more important than his.





Quoting brebugmom91:

What about HIM using HER to support his kids? Oh right stepmoms should just shut up and deal with whatever dad and BM want right?







Quoting Anonymous:

So it was fine when YOUR four kids needed a babysitter, but you don't want him home for his own on HIS visits. I wouldn't be okay with changing my visitations for some User either.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:52 AM
What? they don't have to support their family?:-)lol
I stopped reading your reply right there. then you go and marry a looser. and support him.

b
Quoting cjsbmom:

 I'm sorry, but this is such an antiquated way of thinking. "Real Men" don't have to support their families financially or be the sole  breadwinners or even make the most income. I make more than my DH. Doesn't make him less of a man. If this were a woman staying at home, I think some of your attitudes would be very different. If they were paying for child care, she'd find out how valuable his services were. But then again, since her kids are old enough to not need it anymore, she thinks that's all that matters. Screw his kids. I'm sorry, but this isn't a "blended" family at all. She clearly hasn't accepted his kids and sees them as second-class citizens. That's a huge problem not only in this situation, but in their entire marriage, IMO.


Quoting Anonymous:

You sound like someone has fucked you over before. And who cares if she loves him or not that was not the issues. I think you wrong. He needs to be a man and support that family instead a woman has to do it. please. No real man would let her wife do all this bs.


Quoting Anonymous:

Then she never should have asked him to stay home. She should've sucked it up from the beginning and they should've just both worked and paid for child care. SHE ASKED HIM TO STAY HOME because THEY had SIX small children home, but now that just HERS are big enough to stay home he needs to go to work? He should give up his 50/50 custody to go to work because she feels differently now that SHE no longer needs him home for hers. She's a user plain and simple. She used him for free child care. Who knows. Maybe she doesn't love him or his kids to to begin with. After all, it is all about HER kids. She never mentions OUR family. It is HERS and HIS. She obviously feels her kids are more important than his.




Quoting brebugmom91:

What about HIM using HER to support his kids? Oh right stepmoms should just shut up and deal with whatever dad and BM want right?






Quoting Anonymous:

So it was fine when YOUR four kids needed a babysitter, but you don't want him home for his own on HIS visits. I wouldn't be okay with changing my visitations for some User either.

 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
LAXmom21
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:53 AM
And you sound ignorant. Maybe he should get a part time job while the kids are in school BUT there is NO way he should have to give up time with HIS kids now that the OP doesn't need him for HER kids anymore. And WHY was it I'm for him to stay home with HER kids and not HIS who at this point should t even be called his and hers they should be OURs.

Quoting Anonymous:

You sound like someone has fucked you over before. And who cares if she loves him or not that was not the issues. I think you wrong. He needs to be a man and support that family instead a woman has to do it. please. No real man would let her wife do all this bs.



Quoting Anonymous:

Then she never should have asked him to stay home. She should've sucked it up from the beginning and they should've just both worked and paid for child care. SHE ASKED HIM TO STAY HOME because THEY had SIX small children home, but now that just HERS are big enough to stay home he needs to go to work? He should give up his 50/50 custody to go to work because she feels differently now that SHE no longer needs him home for hers. She's a user plain and simple. She used him for free child care. Who knows. Maybe she doesn't love him or his kids to to begin with. After all, it is all about HER kids. She never mentions OUR family. It is HERS and HIS. She obviously feels her kids are more important than his.





Quoting brebugmom91:

What about HIM using HER to support his kids? Oh right stepmoms should just shut up and deal with whatever dad and BM want right?







Quoting Anonymous:

So it was fine when YOUR four kids needed a babysitter, but you don't want him home for his own on HIS visits. I wouldn't be okay with changing my visitations for some User either.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
boldrumble
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:53 AM
But what happens in his ex's home doesnt matter in your home. His kids need him home when they are there...just like your kids did. If you are so okay with this idea...then why didnt YOU become an evert other weekend ine night a week kom? would you have done that for more money? cause that is what you want from him....
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
gilbertgrl627
by Gold Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:54 AM

I'm sorry, let me try to understand this.....he has his children 50/50 now, but you want him to go back to work and give his ex custody and he'll only get to see his kids every other weekend and one night a week? Well, that sucks. And his kids are 10 and 7 now? Why are they "fine"? I have to agree with him- it seems like you were completely fine with him staying home while YOUR children were younger, but now that they're not, you want to forget about his kids and have him go back to work.

I would have to assume that CS would be involved he he did that. Could be wrong though. But him giving up 50/50, and his ex would be the primary caregiver.....wouldn't that mean he'd have to start paying CS? Or, if he is already, pay MORE in CS?

vwd_johnson
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:54 AM
2 moms liked this
I completely agree with your DH. You are blinded by your decision that you don't see how selfish you are being.

Its not fair asking him to switch his visitation with his children and see them on a different schedule, and SO MUCH LESS. And yeah, pretty bitchy that when your kids needed him it was fine, but now that it would only be his kids, its not.

I understand the money aspect, but you've been fine this whole time, so why now?

I just can't see this your way at all. You are so wrong.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
wendythewriter
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:57 AM
1 mom liked this

And how, exactly, is it "best for the family as a whole" to divide them up? How is it best for his kids to tell them that they are a burdon and kick them out of their home? You can try to sugarcoat it all you want, and pretend that's not what you're saying, but that's exactly what you're saying. And they will know it.

And even setting that aside, how can any parent tell another parent they should willingly give up time with their children? If you wouldn't be willing to give up some of your time with your kids, then you shouldn't be telling him that he should. And that's what really pisses him (and us) off - you're not even politely asking. You're demanding. You're ordering. You're commanding as though you're some kind of queen because you make the money.

If it's really, truly necessary for him to get a job, then you need to sit down with him, and explain to him why you feel this is necessary. Then ask him for suggestions on how you can get more income. There are plenty of other options besides "give up custody of your kids and time with them and get a job." There's part-time jobs, overnight jobs, working from home, and depending on his skills and talents, maybe even starting a business.


Quoting Anonymous:

No, I care about the family, I am looking at what is best for the family as a whole as well as what is fair. When all the kids needed someone at home, it was best for the family for him to stay at home but now the only kids who need someone at home has somewhere else to go, their mom's (who again is also a SAHM). We need the extra income now


Quoting Anonymous:

I can see his point,  it's kind of a dick move on your part since it is just his kids that need the care now.  It makes you look like you care a lot less about his kids!





Wendy Miller
Single mom of 2 boys
Author of Tangled Deceit for Kindle and in paperback
and The Secrets He Kept coming December 2012.
Learn more about her on GoodReads

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured