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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Now that my kids don't need anyone at home, I don't think my DH needs to stay home ADDED, seconded addtion with POLL

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 

Poll

Question: What do you think? BTW there really is no "happy medium" like him going to work only during the day. He is an RN (registered nurse) and therefore his shifts would be 12 hours long.

Options:

DH should go back to work

DH should stay home and our family should just cut back so that he can stay home with 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 809

View Results

We are a blended family, I have full custody of my 4 kids and DH has 50/50 of his 2 kids. When we married 4 years ago, we decided that since I make about $90,000 a year and DH would make about $36,000 it would make sense for him to stay at home. My kids were 11, 9, 7 and 6, his were 6 and 3 and we needed to have someone home full time. But now my kids are 15, 13, 11 and 10 and don't need anyone home with them. As long as one of the two older kids are home, which one is always home right after school, they younger two are fine and quit frankly, we could use the extra income with 6 kids between us.

His ex is a SAHM (her DH works) and could easily have their kids full time with him getting standard visitation of every other weekend and one evening a week.

I spoke with him about this and he went ape shit on me about it. He said that it's not fair that now that only his kids need someone home, I am not ok with him staying at home. Well there is an alternative, when all the kids needed someone, there wasn't someone who could keep all of them while we worked. I don't get to stay home with my kids, I have worked full time since mine were little and for the past 4 years, to support this family, including his children. I just feel like he is being very selfish to expect to get to stay home. His kids don't need 2 stay at home parents, they just don't.

ADDED

For those who say this isn't fair to him, this arrangement was made when there was no other option, when we had 6 kids between the two of us that all needed someone at home. That is no longer the case, his kids can go to their mom's and my kids are fine at home. IMO he can't complain because at least he got to do this for the past 4 years, I was never afforded the opportunity because he simply didn't make enough to support us on his own. It's not fair that I work my ass off while he stays at home and there is no need for him to, his kids do not need BOTH of their parents to be stay at home parents, they just don't.

I am really surprised just how many responses I have gotten. For those who say he needs to stay at home and that it's "only fair" please explain to me why his 2 kids NEED both of their parents to be stay at home parents but that my 4 kids don't need their ONE bio parent at home (that is assuming that we all agree that someone in the household needs to make money). Also, why should our whole family make cutbacks so that DH can stay at home for 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time anyway?

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 9, 2013 at 7:47 PM
Replies (311-320):
Maevelyn
by Gold Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:34 AM

I feel like 4 to 6 kids can get in a significant amount of trouble on their own every day after school too. Is it fair to ask the oldest to be in charge? because in reality that's who's going to be responcible if something goes wrong. 

Quoting breydans_mommy:

I am personally on the fence on this one. That many kids it would probably be best for a parent home for things like sports and extra cric activities and things like that. But on the other hand they are ild enough to handle a few hours home alone after school because financially its best for both patents to work. I would ask maybe him get just a part time job while the kids are in school so hes home when they are plus theres a little extra cash that will lighten the load.


davnrori
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:44 AM
4 moms liked this

 You are never going to see reason as long as you are separating the children into 'yours' and 'his'. You are telling him to give up his kids. What exactly do you think telling someone who has 50/50 custody to go down to weekend custody is? Are the weekends longer than 2 days in your world? So he goes from seeing them 15 days a month to seeing them 4 days (every other weekend)?

I'm sorry your children's father is dead. I knew there would be some kind of reason you would be able to rebut my statement about giving up custody of your children. But let's stretch your mind a bit. IMAGINE that your DH told you to give up custody of your children so that you could devote more time to making money and so that you didn't have to 'waste' resources feeding/housing/clothing them. That he was going to keep 'his' kids because they cost less to maintain but yours needed to get the boot. Would you say, "Oh, of course! It's money after all. Much more important than seeing my kids."

If any of your six children combined need to have someone at home then, yes, you need a stay at home parent. *Newsflash* It's not just about what YOUR kids need. Those two children who are not 'yours' are not just your husband's ex-wife's children, they are HIS children. So what if she could, in theory, stay with the kids because she's a SAHM? Your husband doesn't want to lose out on seeing his kids, disrupt their schedule, and who knows what else, so he can go out and make a goddamned dollar.

Yes, your husband needs to find someone who is not so selfish that she wants him to give up custody of HIS children so HER children don't go without. You're not thinking of your family as a whole family. You're thinking about what needs to happen for you and your four children to live a better life and you see your husband as a means to do that and his two children as the barrier. You seem to think that these two kids are taking something away from 'your' family instead of adding to it. Why did you marry a man who had 50/50 custody of his children? It was okay for him to stay at home with all the kids when your kids needed it because it was convenient for you. And now, because YOU don't see a reason for him to stay home things have to change. Because you decree it. Lady, you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself and what's best for YOU and start thinking about what's best for the entire family which, again *Newsflash* includes not only yourself and your four kids but also your husband and his two kids.

I have a child from a previous marriage. I have sole physical custody. I have 2 children with my DH. I am a SAHM. If we were struggling for money and DH told me to give custody of my daughter to my ex so I could get a job, I would laugh in his face. I would try to come to a compromise, like work part-time or something, but I would NEVER, ever give up custody of my child. You would have to pry her from my cold, dead fingers. For DH to even suggest such a thing would probably cause a huge rift in our marriage that I would see ending in divorce. You don't ask someone to give up their kids and I can't believe that you would have the audacity to ask such a thing.

Your ADDED makes you seem like you are not only selfish but you are also sour. You say you had no other option when you first came to the SAHD decision- you still have no other options because some of your kids still need a parent at home when they are at their dads. Why does it matter that you could never stay home with your children? Your DH stayed home with them. At least they had a parent at home, right? Bitter much?

You are a sour person and quite possibly the least caring, most bitter step-mother I have ever had the displeasure to read. You don't deserve your husband and you certainly don't deserve to help parent his children. My advice to your DH would be to remove himself and his children from your toxic presence.

Quoting Anonymous:

I am telling him that he needs to get a job and start helping to support HIS children. Yes, I do know that his ex will go for primary since she is   a SAHM if he starts working but I am not telling him to give up his kids, only that he needs a job, like most adults. My children's father is dead but if he said that, he would be stupid I AM THE ONE MAKING THAT INCOME. Since he ex wife could keep her kids during the week and my kids are older, we don't need a stay at home parent anymore, we need us both working. According to you, he needs to find a wife willing to let her children go without and struggle financially so that he can stay at home while all the kids are in school and be home when they get home when 4 don't need him and to have another parent who does work, would you do that?

 

Quoting davnrori:

What. The. Hell. Where do you get off telling ANYONE they should give up custody of their children? Yeah, yeah, you want him to be a standard visitation dad, well, guess what? He's not. Would you be happy if he told you to give full custody to your children's father because you guys could use the extra income you'd get if you didn't have to support them living at your house? You are SO SELFISH. Why don't you give up 50/50 custody of your children? And your DH is right, you are acting like because 'your' children don't need anyone home that none of the kids need anyone home. You are totally dismissing his children and making it seem like they are a barrier to 'more money' rather than a functioning part of your family. Seriously, you are so, so selfish. Maybe your DH should find a new wife who values his children as much as he does or at least as much as she values her own.

 

 

 

SweetPea2004
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:48 AM

I still agree with you

SweetPea2004
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:58 AM

Seriously what is your problem? All six of the children are in school all six, the two youngest need someone to watch them after school. The ops dh's ex sucks if she would work with her ex about afterschool care this wouldn't be an issue. There are a few ways to cure that and maintain 50/50 it is called comprimise. For example the ops dh could work nights or take a short daytime shift.

There is NO reason children need two sahp, in a non-divorced family one has to work or both. Due to the falling economy two parents are the majority in the workforce. So why is this blended family more special to you? The op pays out of her pocket for her step kids care. They need him to go back to work to help, children are more expensive as teens. 

Your agreement is flawed if your dh left you guess what you would have to work or live off pa or spousal support which is disgusting. 


Quoting davnrori:

 You are never going to see reason as long as you are separating the children into 'yours' and 'his'. You are telling him to give up his kids. What exactly do you think telling someone who has 50/50 custody to go down to weekend custody is? Are the weekends longer than 2 days in your world? So he goes from seeing them 15 days a month to seeing them 4 days (every other weekend)?

I'm sorry your children's father is dead. I knew there would be some kind of reason you would be able to rebut my statement about giving up custody of your children. But let's stretch your mind a bit. IMAGINE that your DH told you to give up custody of your children so that you could devote more time to making money and so that you didn't have to 'waste' resources feeding/housing/clothing them. That he was going to keep 'his' kids because they cost less to maintain but yours needed to get the boot. Would you say, "Oh, of course! It's money after all. Much more important than seeing my kids."

If any of your six children combined need to have someone at home then, yes, you need a stay at home parent. *Newsflash* It's not just about what YOUR kids need. Those two children who are not 'yours' are not just your husband's ex-wife's children, they are HIS children. So what if she could, in theory, stay with the kids because she's a SAHM? Your husband doesn't want to lose out on seeing his kids, disrupt their schedule, and who knows what else, so he can go out and make a goddamned dollar.

Yes, your husband needs to find someone who is not so selfish that she wants him to give up custody of HIS children so HER children don't go without. You're not thinking of your family as a whole family. You're thinking about what needs to happen for you and your four children to live a better life and you see your husband as a means to do that and his two children as the barrier. You seem to think that these two kids are taking something away from 'your' family instead of adding to it. Why did you marry a man who had 50/50 custody of his children? It was okay for him to stay at home with all the kids when your kids needed it because it was convenient for you. And now, because YOU don't see a reason for him to stay home things have to change. Because you decree it. Lady, you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself and what's best for YOU and start thinking about what's best for the entire family which, again *Newsflash* includes not only yourself and your four kids but also your husband and his two kids.

I have a child from a previous marriage. I have sole physical custody. I have 2 children with my DH. I am a SAHM. If we were struggling for money and DH told me to give custody of my daughter to my ex so I could get a job, I would laugh in his face. I would try to come to a compromise, like work part-time or something, but I would NEVER, ever give up custody of my child. You would have to pry her from my cold, dead fingers. For DH to even suggest such a thing would probably cause a huge rift in our marriage that I would see ending in divorce. You don't ask someone to give up their kids and I can't believe that you would have the audacity to ask such a thing.

Your ADDED makes you seem like you are not only selfish but you are also sour. You say you had no other option when you first came to the SAHD decision- you still have no other options because some of your kids still need a parent at home when they are at their dads. Why does it matter that you could never stay home with your children? Your DH stayed home with them. At least they had a parent at home, right? Bitter much?

You are a sour person and quite possibly the least caring, most bitter step-mother I have ever had the displeasure to read. You don't deserve your husband and you certainly don't deserve to help parent his children. My advice to your DH would be to remove himself and his children from your toxic presence.

Quoting Anonymous:

I am telling him that he needs to get a job and start helping to support HIS children. Yes, I do know that his ex will go for primary since she is   a SAHM if he starts working but I am not telling him to give up his kids, only that he needs a job, like most adults. My children's father is dead but if he said that, he would be stupid I AM THE ONE MAKING THAT INCOME. Since he ex wife could keep her kids during the week and my kids are older, we don't need a stay at home parent anymore, we need us both working. According to you, he needs to find a wife willing to let her children go without and struggle financially so that he can stay at home while all the kids are in school and be home when they get home when 4 don't need him and to have another parent who does work, would you do that?


Quoting davnrori:

What. The. Hell. Where do you get off telling ANYONE they should give up custody of their children? Yeah, yeah, you want him to be a standard visitation dad, well, guess what? He's not. Would you be happy if he told you to give full custody to your children's father because you guys could use the extra income you'd get if you didn't have to support them living at your house? You are SO SELFISH. Why don't you give up 50/50 custody of your children? And your DH is right, you are acting like because 'your' children don't need anyone home that none of the kids need anyone home. You are totally dismissing his children and making it seem like they are a barrier to 'more money' rather than a functioning part of your family. Seriously, you are so, so selfish. Maybe your DH should find a new wife who values his children as much as he does or at least as much as she values her own.



 



CafeMom Tickers
aiyess
by Gold Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:03 AM
I bow down to your awesomess. Well said :)


Quoting davnrori:

 You are never going to see reason as long as you are separating the children into 'yours' and 'his'. You are telling him to give up his kids. What exactly do you think telling someone who has 50/50 custody to go down to weekend custody is? Are the weekends longer than 2 days in your world? So he goes from seeing them 15 days a month to seeing them 4 days (every other weekend)?


I'm sorry your children's father is dead. I knew there would be some kind of reason you would be able to rebut my statement about giving up custody of your children. But let's stretch your mind a bit. IMAGINE that your DH told you to give up custody of your children so that you could devote more time to making money and so that you didn't have to 'waste' resources feeding/housing/clothing them. That he was going to keep 'his' kids because they cost less to maintain but yours needed to get the boot. Would you say, "Oh, of course! It's money after all. Much more important than seeing my kids."


If any of your six children combined need to have someone at home then, yes, you need a stay at home parent. *Newsflash* It's not just about what YOUR kids need. Those two children who are not 'yours' are not just your husband's ex-wife's children, they are HIS children. So what if she could, in theory, stay with the kids because she's a SAHM? Your husband doesn't want to lose out on seeing his kids, disrupt their schedule, and who knows what else, so he can go out and make a goddamned dollar.


Yes, your husband needs to find someone who is not so selfish that she wants him to give up custody of HIS children so HER children don't go without. You're not thinking of your family as a whole family. You're thinking about what needs to happen for you and your four children to live a better life and you see your husband as a means to do that and his two children as the barrier. You seem to think that these two kids are taking something away from 'your' family instead of adding to it. Why did you marry a man who had 50/50 custody of his children? It was okay for him to stay at home with all the kids when your kids needed it because it was convenient for you. And now, because YOU don't see a reason for him to stay home things have to change. Because you decree it. Lady, you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself and what's best for YOU and start thinking about what's best for the entire family which, again *Newsflash* includes not only yourself and your four kids but also your husband and his two kids.


I have a child from a previous marriage. I have sole physical custody. I have 2 children with my DH. I am a SAHM. If we were struggling for money and DH told me to give custody of my daughter to my ex so I could get a job, I would laugh in his face. I would try to come to a compromise, like work part-time or something, but I would NEVER, ever give up custody of my child. You would have to pry her from my cold, dead fingers. For DH to even suggest such a thing would probably cause a huge rift in our marriage that I would see ending in divorce. You don't ask someone to give up their kids and I can't believe that you would have the audacity to ask such a thing.


Your ADDED makes you seem like you are not only selfish but you are also sour. You say you had no other option when you first came to the SAHD decision- you still have no other options because some of your kids still need a parent at home when they are at their dads. Why does it matter that you could never stay home with your children? Your DH stayed home with them. At least they had a parent at home, right? Bitter much?


You are a sour person and quite possibly the least caring, most bitter step-mother I have ever had the displeasure to read. You don't deserve your husband and you certainly don't deserve to help parent his children. My advice to your DH would be to remove himself and his children from your toxic presence.


Quoting Anonymous:


I am telling him that he needs to get a job and start helping to support HIS children. Yes, I do know that his ex will go for primary since she is   a SAHM if he starts working but I am not telling him to give up his kids, only that he needs a job, like most adults. My children's father is dead but if he said that, he would be stupid I AM THE ONE MAKING THAT INCOME. Since he ex wife could keep her kids during the week and my kids are older, we don't need a stay at home parent anymore, we need us both working. According to you, he needs to find a wife willing to let her children go without and struggle financially so that he can stay at home while all the kids are in school and be home when they get home when 4 don't need him and to have another parent who does work, would you do that?


 


Quoting davnrori:


What. The. Hell. Where do you get off telling ANYONE they should give up custody of their children? Yeah, yeah, you want him to be a standard visitation dad, well, guess what? He's not. Would you be happy if he told you to give full custody to your children's father because you guys could use the extra income you'd get if you didn't have to support them living at your house? You are SO SELFISH. Why don't you give up 50/50 custody of your children? And your DH is right, you are acting like because 'your' children don't need anyone home that none of the kids need anyone home. You are totally dismissing his children and making it seem like they are a barrier to 'more money' rather than a functioning part of your family. Seriously, you are so, so selfish. Maybe your DH should find a new wife who values his children as much as he does or at least as much as she values her own.


 


 


 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Some firefighters make damn good money.

But anyway my husband makes $230,000 a year. We only have one kid and he is 9 and I am don't plan on going back to work well... Ever. I cook, clean, taxi my son around, pay bills, and I pretty much act as an assistant for my husband. He would be lost if I went back to work and I would be sad not nuturing my family.

Different stokes ya know? If both parties agree its all good!


Quoting waffa:

and he can't find something part time when ALL the kids are at school and be home when they get there?

Bash me all you want sahm's, but he reminds me of a couple I know where he was a firefighter and she stayed at home with their only child and continued to stay home even when the kid went to college and her dh was STILL working.

Once they get a driver's license you need to go get a freaking job. just my opinion though.


ms-superwoman
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:07 AM

I think you would have had a case, if you hadn't asked him to give up 50/50 custody. LOL You made it so he has to choose between his kids and a job. Good luck with that one.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

You care about YOUR kids and YOUR feelings,  you want him to give up up partial custody of his kids because it suits you!  How about instead you go ahead and give a couple of your kids to their real dad,  that should save some money with less mouths to feed!  I mean what's the difference?



Quoting Anonymous:

No, I care about the family, I am looking at what is best for the family as a whole as well as what is fair. When all the kids needed someone at home, it was best for the family for him to stay at home but now the only kids who need someone at home has somewhere else to go, their mom's (who again is also a SAHM). We need the extra income now


Quoting Anonymous:

I can see his point,  it's kind of a dick move on your part since it is just his kids that need the care now.  It makes you look like you care a lot less about his kids!





aJiG827
by Bronze Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:11 AM
1 mom liked this

What probably pissed him off more than anything was that you suggested he change his custody arrangement, and have less time with HIS children. I am a sm, too, and anytime it is suggested that my DH spends less time with his boys, for any reason, he loses his shit. And I'm starting to completely understand why. Those are his kids. If you had 50/50 custody of yours, and HE suggested that YOU switch to only getting them every other weekend and one day during the week, you wouldn't be too happy. 

davnrori
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:11 AM

 No, if my DH left me I would be fine. I have a Master's degree and I am also a Korean linguist who has extensive interpreting/translating experience. It was a choice DH and I made for me to stay at home, not because he made more money than I did, but because we wanted our kids to have a parent at home and our jobs require long and irregular hours. I am also a full time college student working on another degree. Don't make assumptions about someone you know nothing about. Maybe you would need to live off of spousal support and PA if you were on your own but I will never need to. I have never been on PA and I don't know anyone on PA. We also have these things called 'savings' and 'stocks' half of which would be mine should my marriage end in divorce. So don't worry, your piddling $5 tax contribution to PA is safe from me.

Quoting SweetPea2004:


Seriously what is your problem? All six of the children are in school all six, the two youngest need someone to watch them after school. The ops dh's ex sucks if she would work with her ex about afterschool care this wouldn't be an issue. There are a few ways to cure that and maintain 50/50 it is called comprimise. For example the ops dh could work nights or take a short daytime shift.

There is NO reason children need two sahp, in a non-divorced family one has to work or both. Due to the falling economy two parents are the majority in the workforce. So why is this blended family more special to you? The op pays out of her pocket for her step kids care. They need him to go back to work to help, children are more expensive as teens. 

Your agreement is flawed if your dh left you guess what you would have to work or live off pa or spousal support which is disgusting. 

 

Quoting davnrori:

 You are never going to see reason as long as you are separating the children into 'yours' and 'his'. You are telling him to give up his kids. What exactly do you think telling someone who has 50/50 custody to go down to weekend custody is? Are the weekends longer than 2 days in your world? So he goes from seeing them 15 days a month to seeing them 4 days (every other weekend)?

I'm sorry your children's father is dead. I knew there would be some kind of reason you would be able to rebut my statement about giving up custody of your children. But let's stretch your mind a bit. IMAGINE that your DH told you to give up custody of your children so that you could devote more time to making money and so that you didn't have to 'waste' resources feeding/housing/clothing them. That he was going to keep 'his' kids because they cost less to maintain but yours needed to get the boot. Would you say, "Oh, of course! It's money after all. Much more important than seeing my kids."

If any of your six children combined need to have someone at home then, yes, you need a stay at home parent. *Newsflash* It's not just about what YOUR kids need. Those two children who are not 'yours' are not just your husband's ex-wife's children, they are HIS children. So what if she could, in theory, stay with the kids because she's a SAHM? Your husband doesn't want to lose out on seeing his kids, disrupt their schedule, and who knows what else, so he can go out and make a goddamned dollar.

Yes, your husband needs to find someone who is not so selfish that she wants him to give up custody of HIS children so HER children don't go without. You're not thinking of your family as a whole family. You're thinking about what needs to happen for you and your four children to live a better life and you see your husband as a means to do that and his two children as the barrier. You seem to think that these two kids are taking something away from 'your' family instead of adding to it. Why did you marry a man who had 50/50 custody of his children? It was okay for him to stay at home with all the kids when your kids needed it because it was convenient for you. And now, because YOU don't see a reason for him to stay home things have to change. Because you decree it. Lady, you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself and what's best for YOU and start thinking about what's best for the entire family which, again *Newsflash* includes not only yourself and your four kids but also your husband and his two kids.

I have a child from a previous marriage. I have sole physical custody. I have 2 children with my DH. I am a SAHM. If we were struggling for money and DH told me to give custody of my daughter to my ex so I could get a job, I would laugh in his face. I would try to come to a compromise, like work part-time or something, but I would NEVER, ever give up custody of my child. You would have to pry her from my cold, dead fingers. For DH to even suggest such a thing would probably cause a huge rift in our marriage that I would see ending in divorce. You don't ask someone to give up their kids and I can't believe that you would have the audacity to ask such a thing.

Your ADDED makes you seem like you are not only selfish but you are also sour. You say you had no other option when you first came to the SAHD decision- you still have no other options because some of your kids still need a parent at home when they are at their dads. Why does it matter that you could never stay home with your children? Your DH stayed home with them. At least they had a parent at home, right? Bitter much?

You are a sour person and quite possibly the least caring, most bitter step-mother I have ever had the displeasure to read. You don't deserve your husband and you certainly don't deserve to help parent his children. My advice to your DH would be to remove himself and his children from your toxic presence.

Quoting Anonymous:

I am telling him that he needs to get a job and start helping to support HIS children. Yes, I do know that his ex will go for primary since she is   a SAHM if he starts working but I am not telling him to give up his kids, only that he needs a job, like most adults. My children's father is dead but if he said that, he would be stupid I AM THE ONE MAKING THAT INCOME. Since he ex wife could keep her kids during the week and my kids are older, we don't need a stay at home parent anymore, we need us both working. According to you, he needs to find a wife willing to let her children go without and struggle financially so that he can stay at home while all the kids are in school and be home when they get home when 4 don't need him and to have another parent who does work, would you do that?

 

Quoting davnrori:

What. The. Hell. Where do you get off telling ANYONE they should give up custody of their children? Yeah, yeah, you want him to be a standard visitation dad, well, guess what? He's not. Would you be happy if he told you to give full custody to your children's father because you guys could use the extra income you'd get if you didn't have to support them living at your house? You are SO SELFISH. Why don't you give up 50/50 custody of your children? And your DH is right, you are acting like because 'your' children don't need anyone home that none of the kids need anyone home. You are totally dismissing his children and making it seem like they are a barrier to 'more money' rather than a functioning part of your family. Seriously, you are so, so selfish. Maybe your DH should find a new wife who values his children as much as he does or at least as much as she values her own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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