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Now that my kids don't need anyone at home, I don't think my DH needs to stay home ADDED, seconded addtion with POLL

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post



Question: What do you think? BTW there really is no "happy medium" like him going to work only during the day. He is an RN (registered nurse) and therefore his shifts would be 12 hours long.


DH should go back to work

DH should stay home and our family should just cut back so that he can stay home with 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time

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We are a blended family, I have full custody of my 4 kids and DH has 50/50 of his 2 kids. When we married 4 years ago, we decided that since I make about $90,000 a year and DH would make about $36,000 it would make sense for him to stay at home. My kids were 11, 9, 7 and 6, his were 6 and 3 and we needed to have someone home full time. But now my kids are 15, 13, 11 and 10 and don't need anyone home with them. As long as one of the two older kids are home, which one is always home right after school, they younger two are fine and quit frankly, we could use the extra income with 6 kids between us.

His ex is a SAHM (her DH works) and could easily have their kids full time with him getting standard visitation of every other weekend and one evening a week.

I spoke with him about this and he went ape shit on me about it. He said that it's not fair that now that only his kids need someone home, I am not ok with him staying at home. Well there is an alternative, when all the kids needed someone, there wasn't someone who could keep all of them while we worked. I don't get to stay home with my kids, I have worked full time since mine were little and for the past 4 years, to support this family, including his children. I just feel like he is being very selfish to expect to get to stay home. His kids don't need 2 stay at home parents, they just don't.


For those who say this isn't fair to him, this arrangement was made when there was no other option, when we had 6 kids between the two of us that all needed someone at home. That is no longer the case, his kids can go to their mom's and my kids are fine at home. IMO he can't complain because at least he got to do this for the past 4 years, I was never afforded the opportunity because he simply didn't make enough to support us on his own. It's not fair that I work my ass off while he stays at home and there is no need for him to, his kids do not need BOTH of their parents to be stay at home parents, they just don't.

I am really surprised just how many responses I have gotten. For those who say he needs to stay at home and that it's "only fair" please explain to me why his 2 kids NEED both of their parents to be stay at home parents but that my 4 kids don't need their ONE bio parent at home (that is assuming that we all agree that someone in the household needs to make money). Also, why should our whole family make cutbacks so that DH can stay at home for 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time anyway?

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 9, 2013 at 7:47 PM
Replies (321-330):
by Anonymous 57 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:13 AM
That's what you get for letting him be a lazy fuck in the first place. 36000 can pay child care. Good luck trying to get him to man up and get a job.
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:13 AM

How about if he gets a part time job some where that he can work only on days he doesn't have his kids. It a compromise.

by Anonymous 58 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this
So... You wanted him to stay home to watch YOUR underage children, but now that they're grown, it's "go back to work and who cares about YOUR underage kids, send them to their moms"? Would you give up custody of your children just because your spouse was jealous that you got to stay home? Seriously, that's fucking stupid.
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:16 AM
1 mom liked this
So you think your hubby sits at home in his butt all day living the life right. The same as you say you are supporting two of his sons well he took care of four of your sons full time. He fed them he cooked cleanedwhatever had to get done for your kids. Like you say you shoildnt be supporting his kids guess what he also took care od YOUR kids you didn't complain then. No that yourkids are fineb on their own screw everyone else right. I don't think that is fair. Instead of going at him saying my kids and your kids reality is they are allyour kids and his kids. When you get with someone who has kids its the whole package not just the parent. So that's what I find wrong in your post.

Now asto him working I think yes he should be a little more open minded I'm sure he an get a part time job where he can work around his schedule with his kids so he doesn't loose time or maybe take them to their mommy to babysit a couple hours and then get them back after he gerts out of work
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by Ruby Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:18 AM
2 moms liked this
I will be te first one to say he should get a job, but for some of the things you say i dont agree

You both agreed on him staying home.
Now youre complaining he is?
What i think is wrong is, now that YOUR kids are older hes not needed.
He also has his own set of kids and even though the mother is a sahm im sure there are days he needs to be around for HIS kids, just like he was there for yours.
Wasnt that the plan?
With that many kids hanging out after school, i wouldnt count on the older ones watching the younger ones. Something is bound to happen.
If it were one older kid with one younger kid for an hour after school, that would be a better plan.

Since its 50-50 time share for his kids. That has to mean he is there for them just like his ex. So why cant he stay home to take care of HIS kids like he did for yours?
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by Gold Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:18 AM
1 mom liked this
How about having the mom pick the kids up from school and your husband gets the kids when he gets off work? Have you checked into the latch key program?
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by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:21 AM

 Why did you not discuss this prior to now? Why was this not part of the arrangement in the first place? I find it irresponsible on both your behalf that neither one you said "wait, will a full time SAHP be necessary when the kids are older?"

Either of you as a couple could have worked this out prior to things getting "financially tight" and you would not have this on your hands. I would have never agreed to this arrangement as a parent nor would I have expected it as a wife or husband for that matter.

by Ruby Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:22 AM

You're a nasty piece of work why not you go back into your hole.

How do you plan on keeping a sahp if you and your dh split? See your logic is flawed? The op's kids are not special there are millions of children without a sahp.

Also if you read clearly, I said pa is disgusting I will never leach off the goverment. I am almost done with my degree I will be able to support my dd without help ( I don't have assistance now my s/o supports us). I will go back to work hopefully when dd is in 5th grade and gasp she won't have a sahp and will survive.

Quoting davnrori:

 No, if my DH left me I would be fine. I have a Master's degree and I am also a Korean linguist who has extensive interpreting/translating experience. It was a choice DH and I made for me to stay at home, not because he made more money than I did, but because we wanted our kids to have a parent at home and our jobs require long and irregular hours. I am also a full time college student working on another degree. Don't make assumptions about someone you know nothing about. Maybe you would need to live off of spousal support and PA if you were on your own but I will never need to. I have never been on PA and I don't know anyone on PA. We also have these things called 'savings' and 'stocks' half of which would be mine should my marriage end in divorce. So don't worry, your piddling $5 tax contribution to PA is safe from me.

Quoting SweetPea2004:

Seriously what is your problem? All six of the children are in school all six, the two youngest need someone to watch them after school. The ops dh's ex sucks if she would work with her ex about afterschool care this wouldn't be an issue. There are a few ways to cure that and maintain 50/50 it is called comprimise. For example the ops dh could work nights or take a short daytime shift.

There is NO reason children need two sahp, in a non-divorced family one has to work or both. Due to the falling economy two parents are the majority in the workforce. So why is this blended family more special to you? The op pays out of her pocket for her step kids care. They need him to go back to work to help, children are more expensive as teens. 

Your agreement is flawed if your dh left you guess what you would have to work or live off pa or spousal support which is disgusting. 

Quoting davnrori:

 You are never going to see reason as long as you are separating the children into 'yours' and 'his'. You are telling him to give up his kids. What exactly do you think telling someone who has 50/50 custody to go down to weekend custody is? Are the weekends longer than 2 days in your world? So he goes from seeing them 15 days a month to seeing them 4 days (every other weekend)?

I'm sorry your children's father is dead. I knew there would be some kind of reason you would be able to rebut my statement about giving up custody of your children. But let's stretch your mind a bit. IMAGINE that your DH told you to give up custody of your children so that you could devote more time to making money and so that you didn't have to 'waste' resources feeding/housing/clothing them. That he was going to keep 'his' kids because they cost less to maintain but yours needed to get the boot. Would you say, "Oh, of course! It's money after all. Much more important than seeing my kids."

If any of your six children combined need to have someone at home then, yes, you need a stay at home parent. *Newsflash* It's not just about what YOUR kids need. Those two children who are not 'yours' are not just your husband's ex-wife's children, they are HIS children. So what if she could, in theory, stay with the kids because she's a SAHM? Your husband doesn't want to lose out on seeing his kids, disrupt their schedule, and who knows what else, so he can go out and make a goddamned dollar.

Yes, your husband needs to find someone who is not so selfish that she wants him to give up custody of HIS children so HER children don't go without. You're not thinking of your family as a whole family. You're thinking about what needs to happen for you and your four children to live a better life and you see your husband as a means to do that and his two children as the barrier. You seem to think that these two kids are taking something away from 'your' family instead of adding to it. Why did you marry a man who had 50/50 custody of his children? It was okay for him to stay at home with all the kids when your kids needed it because it was convenient for you. And now, because YOU don't see a reason for him to stay home things have to change. Because you decree it. Lady, you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself and what's best for YOU and start thinking about what's best for the entire family which, again *Newsflash* includes not only yourself and your four kids but also your husband and his two kids.

I have a child from a previous marriage. I have sole physical custody. I have 2 children with my DH. I am a SAHM. If we were struggling for money and DH told me to give custody of my daughter to my ex so I could get a job, I would laugh in his face. I would try to come to a compromise, like work part-time or something, but I would NEVER, ever give up custody of my child. You would have to pry her from my cold, dead fingers. For DH to even suggest such a thing would probably cause a huge rift in our marriage that I would see ending in divorce. You don't ask someone to give up their kids and I can't believe that you would have the audacity to ask such a thing.

Your ADDED makes you seem like you are not only selfish but you are also sour. You say you had no other option when you first came to the SAHD decision- you still have no other options because some of your kids still need a parent at home when they are at their dads. Why does it matter that you could never stay home with your children? Your DH stayed home with them. At least they had a parent at home, right? Bitter much?

You are a sour person and quite possibly the least caring, most bitter step-mother I have ever had the displeasure to read. You don't deserve your husband and you certainly don't deserve to help parent his children. My advice to your DH would be to remove himself and his children from your toxic presence.

Quoting Anonymous:

I am telling him that he needs to get a job and start helping to support HIS children. Yes, I do know that his ex will go for primary since she is   a SAHM if he starts working but I am not telling him to give up his kids, only that he needs a job, like most adults. My children's father is dead but if he said that, he would be stupid I AM THE ONE MAKING THAT INCOME. Since he ex wife could keep her kids during the week and my kids are older, we don't need a stay at home parent anymore, we need us both working. According to you, he needs to find a wife willing to let her children go without and struggle financially so that he can stay at home while all the kids are in school and be home when they get home when 4 don't need him and to have another parent who does work, would you do that?

Quoting davnrori:

What. The. Hell. Where do you get off telling ANYONE they should give up custody of their children? Yeah, yeah, you want him to be a standard visitation dad, well, guess what? He's not. Would you be happy if he told you to give full custody to your children's father because you guys could use the extra income you'd get if you didn't have to support them living at your house? You are SO SELFISH. Why don't you give up 50/50 custody of your children? And your DH is right, you are acting like because 'your' children don't need anyone home that none of the kids need anyone home. You are totally dismissing his children and making it seem like they are a barrier to 'more money' rather than a functioning part of your family. Seriously, you are so, so selfish. Maybe your DH should find a new wife who values his children as much as he does or at least as much as she values her own.



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by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:32 AM

I don't see why he can't at least do something part time.  As a SAHM myself, I know that going back to work can be intimidating, but if they are all in school during the day there is no reason he shouldn't do something during that time.  Of course his ex getting mroe custody isn't reasonable, but him spending the better first half of the day home alone is not reasonable!

by Anonymous 59 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:35 AM
1 mom liked this

IMO, sounds like you're punishing him because you wish you could have been there for your kids,

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