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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Open Adoption...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 39 Replies

Ok, so, I was flipping through some of the replies in the post where she's not going to let her kids meet their birth parents.   Some replies were discussing open adoption and what they thought the birth mom was entitled to when they're involved in an open adoption...

What do you think?  If a woman gives her child up in an open adoption, what do you think she should get?

Only pics and letters?  Time with the kid?  How often should she get these?

Just curious.  It's always interesting to see what others think in these situations.

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
keisha613
by Silver Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:19 AM
I think it should be left up to the adoptive parents. BM is taking a risk of never seeing or hearing from the child again when she decides to give him/her away.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:21 AM
It's really a case by case basis. I would say leave it up to the adoptive parents but certainly you would work that out before the adoption. And BM does not have to continue if the agreement is not suitable
happykitty316
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:22 AM

Before the woman changed her mind, we were going to pursue a semi open adoption.  I was perfectly fine with letters and pictures twice a year.  I felt it was reasonable, and likely would have done more than that.  For us, there was no way I was going to allow time with the child - I did not want there to be confusion about who the parent was and I felt that some sort of split custody arrangement would be confusing.

mcginnisc
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:23 AM

Well, I'm an adoptive mother in a closed adoption... ( International) 

I would LOVE to have an open adoption as it is great for the adoptee. I wish I could give my daughter the information that she wants, but sadly, right now it is impossible as we have been stonewalled by her former Orphanage director. 

OA is not legally enforceable sadly. Letters, pictures and visits would be what I would insist upon if we ever adopted domestically. What most people don't understand is that it is not co-parenting. It is not like a divorce situation and the child is shuttled from one place to another in a joint custody situation...the child just gets to know his/her first family. 

There are different levels of openness in adoption. Some are semi-open, meaning only pictures and letters a couple of times per year... completely open includes visits 1-2x per year unless both parties agree on more. 

Adoptees are treated like second class citizens and are not afforded the same rights as biological children, which is why open adoption is so very important for them. It gives them medical history, it gives them answers, and sometimes they can get lucky and have access to their original birth certificate and not an amended version. In some states they don't even get inheritance rights, which is very wrong IMO...

Off my soapbox as I have to get ready for Church..

Claire


" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Im an adoptive Mom. Our birthmother blessed us with OUR child that she gave birth to. He is our child, we are the ones who are raising him. He does not have two Mommys. We do not encourage visits nor would we aloow them if she ever contacted us. Before termination of rights which occured when baby was 2 months old if she asked we visited, after that she no longer ha any right to him. Period, the end. Adoption is not a custody arrangement between two parents. Still even though she doesnt contact us we do send semi regular updates and photos via the mail-but she has never responded to them, and my cell number hasnt changed. Finally unless you are in a situation you do not know how you would react or do
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:28 AM


That is a great way of explaining it!

Quoting Anonymous:

Im an adoptive Mom. Our birthmother blessed us with OUR child that she gave birth to. He is our child, we are the ones who are raising him. He does not have two Mommys. We do not encourage visits nor would we aloow them if she ever contacted us. Before termination of rights which occured when baby was 2 months old if she asked we visited, after that she no longer ha any right to him. Period, the end. Adoption is not a custody arrangement between two parents. Still even though she doesnt contact us we do send semi regular updates and photos via the mail-but she has never responded to them, and my cell number hasnt changed. Finally unless you are in a situation you do not know how you would react or do



Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:35 AM

Here's why I ask...a few of the replies in the other post said the BM should not have any contact with the kid (call them, spend time with them), that they should only receive letters/pics.

I'm a BM in an open adoption.  And 13 years later, I wish it would've been closed.  

The first 2 years of his life, I got letters and pics about every 3 months.  Then, out of the blue after he turned 2, I got a call, asking if my mom and I wanted to meet them for dinner.  I said to let me think about it a day or so.  I talked to my mom about it and she basically pushed me into it.  Dinner went fine, and we discussed doing it again.  And we did. Every few months, we'd do dinner.  Once he turned 4, it was sometimes a movie, then he got involved in sports as he got older and I went to 2 games.

 By this time, I'm married and out of mom's house.  Mom then started saying that his mom called her and she went to one of his games or a movie or something with them.  I asked why I wasn't invited and she said "she may have thought you were busy."  Whatever.  In the past 5 years, I've seen him a total of 5 times.  Christmas time.  Oh, and in the past, we've done gifts.  I get him and his sister something, they get my kids and me something.  Well, Christmas 2011 was coming around and his mom and I talked on the phone over when and where we would go.  His mom said "I've been talking to your mom and I don't think we'll do gifts this year."  Ok, that's fine, everyone is getting older.  

We go to dinner, everything is fine, no gifts were taken in, it's good.  We get outside and she tells him to get those packages.  He hands my girls the tiny gift bags and they got fuzzy character socks.  He hands my mom an envelope and hands me a clear bag that had reindeer food in it for the girls.  His mom says their neighbor gave it to them, but, they don't do that.  I watch my mom open her card and 5 pics of him fall out of it, along with a $50 Target gift card.  The gift card didn't hurt as much as the pics.  He's 13 and the last pic I got was when he was 10.  

I've told my mom that if and when they want to meet up again, I'm not doing it.  It hurts too much.  They don't want me around, only her.  He's lost one grandmother, he apparently needs her, but doesn't "need' me.

She thinks I'm in the wrong, but, I mentally can't take this anymore.  

marissa615
by Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:35 AM
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 I was adopted at birth, a closed adoption.  So closed infact that my birth certificate was legally altered to have my adopted parents names on it and the hospital of my birth omitted.  My two sisters are also adopted inthe same fashion.  We have a brother that is biological to my parents.  None of us are blood related except my parents and brother.  We were all told from a very young age that we were adopted and that made us special because we were chosen, however we were never alloud to really talk about it and my parents would never help us find our bio parents if we wanted to look.  One sister has no desire to look, the other doesn't care either way.  I feel that i will never be complete without knowing.  It has haunted me my whole life.  It shows that eveyone is different. Some kids would be fine with out contact and others would need it.  So to answer the question, I feel that it's not about the mom's rights but what is best for the child.  Letters and pics to mom is great, and if the child wants more as they get older it should be up to them.  I have to say that now that I have a little girl (my first and only blood relative) I could NEVER give her up.  I can only imagine what my mother went through. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:35 AM
The BM and adopted parents should both know their comfort zone as far as openness, and this should be discussed before the birth when possible.

If the adoptive parents agree to a certain amount of contact, they should have the integrity to stick to that.

However, I do not think openness should be enforced by law. There could be a million reasons why some adults should not be around children, even if they are biologically connected. Sometimes adoptive parents don't know a lot about BM and those close to her right away.

I feel ALL parents should have the ultimate say in making the call to do what is best to keep their children safe. I do not feel this is a place where government belongs.
sugareemommee
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:37 AM
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I think no one should have an opinion on it unless they are in that situation. 

EVERY adoption is different. 

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