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BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE a vent

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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So before I vent let me just say that ist easier said than done and its hard for someone to judge if you never walked in their shoes.so if u ever been where I'm at or are now a single parent and know how hard it is or if u wish you didn't make that choice or how hard it was for your kids please share ide like to know how you are doing.
So I been with my husband for 17 years now and married for years, we have kids and I'm a sahm.I've had part time jobs here and there ,but haven't worked now in over 2 years.when I say good things about my husband the one things that comes to mind is he is a good supporter, has always been there for the kids and they truly love so much,he doese their homework with them and coaches their sports.
When I explain the monster bully he is .I feel like I've been in a rock and a hard place for 17years.how can I love a man so much that hurts me so much. He calls me names ,belittles me,direspects me all the emotional and abuse he has put upon me all these years and I still sit here and take it.when out marriage is good its really good ,but when its bad it is really bad. I must admit when its good it pretty much is because of me because that week or month usually means I swallowed a lot of shit that week or month and just ignored it all. When I fight back verbally or emotionally it gets bad. Because that is when I can't take anymore and I blow up and I go after him physically and than we fight.I feel like there is no way I can get him back or battle this .I have so much anger and hate inside me for him I snap. He obviously is a man and when I go after him physically I end up worse off because I don't give up and feel I need to hurt him physically as much as he hurt me emotionally or verbally that day. He tells me I'm not a real women I don't clean like a real women should. My husband feels if I'm a sahm that he shouldn't do any of the cleaning I should do it all so I'm basicly picking up after this lazy man who don't do anything.he tells me I discust him, I make him sick, I'm not happy with my weight so he always has weight things to say even at my skinniest .I'm a fat pig, fat fuck, tank, he uses my kids against me all the time too says ,noone wants me here, just leave, I can go on and on. If he's mad and things aren't going his way he lashes out at anyone around attacking them verbally. He is a big bully he has done this to my kids before calling them dirtballs, pussys, assholes, pricks ,spoiled brats it all. I've left before ,but struggled because let's face it I have no skill, I haven't worked long enough to really get experience in areas and usually just part time.he got me back by promising me it all that he will work on our marriage, get therapy and love me how I should.well once I was back a month after leaving my apt .it was back to same again and he never did go to couseling with me.I hate living this way.I cry a lot and feel sorry for myself and its so hard because I still do love him,but not once in 17yrs has he ever told me sorry or felt any sypathy toward me .I never cry in front of him and I act tough,but its killing me and I know its so damaging to my kids .he doese all this in front of him and than we both fight in front of them. I stay I know for my kids and know how hard it is for kids to be from a vroken home so I eat shit everyday for them.thinking their world would possibly be worse without him and just me struggling. I see what my single parent friends go through with the struggles and drama .so either way is so hard for my kids.I don't know what to do!
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:32 AM
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