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A vent from just the GF. Picking up BMs slack.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I have been taking more and more of a role in the kids life thanks to their mom taking less and less interest. I get calls from BMs dad to make sure I make dentist and doctors appointments. Ive been going to all of school conferences. Her excuse. She has a baby. Helllllooo. So do I. And another child of my own. And practices and softball games she can't make it to. She isn't interested in their homework or school work. She was supermom when I first met my SO. Now she just sucks.

What the fuck lady. I spent the first two years with My SO hearing from her that I shouldn't be doing things for the kids because I'm not their mom. That I shouldn't be around them when they should be having daddy time. Now all if the sudden it's ok. Grrrrrrrr

I'm super irritated with the way she treats me and the things she still says about me. And then shes calling me to pick up her slack. They have 50/50 custody. He does his part as well and running a company and taking care of his other baby. and she is supposed to do hers. So guess who is doing hers. I hope she snaps out of it soon. They need their mother to be an active part of their life. I don't want to be their mom. And I don't want to try to take her place. I want to be exactly where I am. I have a great relationship with the kids. They respect my place in our home and the authority I have. I am a mom figure but I'm not mom.


This is not about me being unwilling to do things for the kids. This is me venting about how shitty she is to me still and treats me like shit. Also I hate her disregard for my own obligations and commitments.


Eta. To be clear. When he is home. He is the one doing for his kids. This isn't about him not being an active parent. This is more about her lack of care for we kids. And her lack of being a joint parent. I shouldn't be coparenting with him. She should be.

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:36 PM
Replies (81-90):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:04 PM
Like I said. They have joint custody.

She's not doin her part. They should be coparenting together. Not me and him.

This is about her lack of care and her not taking care of her kids more than anything. I don't see how her checking out is his Fault. That's what this is about. Her turning into an absent parent. He's not absent. .
Quoting Anonymous:

If you were at work and not at home, or not even in his life, who would he get to take his children to the doctor and to softball practice or whatever they need to do? He would do it right? Or he would pay someone to do it. Your problem is with Dad. He needs to stop taking advantage of you and do for his kids. There are many of us that take care of our children, work full time jobs and many that even attend school. He can do it. But why when he can get you to do it?



Quoting Anonymous:

Who in the hell do you think would be here still if he filed to be custodial parent???? Me. I would still be Doing the same thing because I am we doing it for my own kids.





He will wait as long as he can to file with the courts. The last thing he wants to do is the kids from their mother. He will if he has to. But for now she's somewhat involved still so he will wait.





When he is home. He takes full care if his kids. This isn't about him being absent.



Quoting Anonymous:

Dad needs to file to be custodial parent. He needs to stop paying child support for children he is physically supporting at home. Then he can stop relying on you to do his job as the parent.







Quoting Anonymous:

This isn't about me doing things for them. And him not. When he's home he's taking care of the kids.









This is about her lack of care.














And before him and I had a baby together we decided I would stay home with the kids and do what they need. Him and I are a team. He has a job he can't always be home. He supports our family and pays a shiton of child support. He can't just drop work because she can't man up.









He works 24/7 even when he's home. I've told him this is all too much for me and he is trying to scale back his workload. But owning your own company it's hard to do that. It's not a 9-5 with vacations and sick time.









Quoting 3gr8tKids:

Wake up call -the person taking advantage of you is your boyfriend the child's father the biological mother!!!!


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
fliptopz4
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:08 PM



Quoting Anonymous:

We decided that I would be a sahm before we had our baby. I'm here to do the kid stuff cause that's my role. However it's getting to be more and more because she isn't doing her part. It's not his slack to pick up. Our home doesn't work like that. We are a team. We have both been trying to work something out to take a little bit off my shoulders. He's trying to schedule back his work load but its not always possible. He has a 24/7 job.

This is more about her not caring anyways. They have joint custody. That means it should be a joint effort.

Quoting fliptopz4:

I really think the problem is with your SO. He is allowing you to be used when its his place not yours to pick up the mothers slack.


I understand what your saying and I'm not trying to offend you but THEY have joint custody. If your not married than you are picking up his slack so he can make his business a success. If something happened between the two of you and you broke up what would you get besides a little bit of child support. Also if something happened to him and he died without a will you would get nothing but social security for your child which would'nt be much because you would be sharing it with the ex -wife for her children.  As for the ex-wife he should be dealing with her not you. She should be asking for his help with the kids and then if he needs you to help him he should ask you. If shes not doing her part its his place to talk to her and work out a compromise.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:10 PM
No that is not his fault at all. But you can't change that. I completely get being frustrated with the other parent that checks out. I live this life. But you have to accept that she is becoming absent and move past it. Really, the kids are going to be hurt. They are going to carry resentment towards her for being absent but you cannot force a parent to be a parent. Your SO needs to just be there for them and he will have to over compensate. We all have to when we are in this situation. We cannot make the other person do anything. We just have to take on both the mother and father role and do what needs to be done for our children when their other parent steps out. Your SO seems to have found the answer to his complication of being a single parent. He has someone do it for him. Whatever IT might be. He should be Making appointments for his kids when he is available. The dad of mom needs to be told that you are not the parent and he will need to contact one of the parents regarding their children. I'm surprised dad is ok with that any way. I would not be ok with it. My husband's Job is not to parent my child. It's my job. His job is to be my husband. When it comes to our mutual child, that is his job; we share in that. When it comes to my child; it is my job. But it seems that your SO is ok with it because he doesn't have the time. Like I've said, many of us work and figure it out. He has found a way to make it work and that is having you do it.


Quoting Anonymous:

Like I said. They have joint custody.

She's not doin her part. They should be coparenting together. Not me and him.

This is about her lack of care and her not taking care of her kids more than anything. I don't see how her checking out is his Fault. That's what this is about. Her turning into an absent parent. He's not absent. .
Quoting Anonymous:

If you were at work and not at home, or not even in his life, who would he get to take his children to the doctor and to softball practice or whatever they need to do? He would do it right? Or he would pay someone to do it. Your problem is with Dad. He needs to stop taking advantage of you and do for his kids. There are many of us that take care of our children, work full time jobs and many that even attend school. He can do it. But why when he can get you to do it?




Quoting Anonymous:

Who in the hell do you think would be here still if he filed to be custodial parent???? Me. I would still be Doing the same thing because I am we doing it for my own kids.





He will wait as long as he can to file with the courts. The last thing he wants to do is the kids from their mother. He will if he has to. But for now she's somewhat involved still so he will wait.





When he is home. He takes full care if his kids. This isn't about him being absent.



Quoting Anonymous:

Dad needs to file to be custodial parent. He needs to stop paying child support for children he is physically supporting at home. Then he can stop relying on you to do his job as the parent.








Quoting Anonymous:

This isn't about me doing things for them. And him not. When he's home he's taking care of the kids.









This is about her lack of care.














And before him and I had a baby together we decided I would stay home with the kids and do what they need. Him and I are a team. He has a job he can't always be home. He supports our family and pays a shiton of child support. He can't just drop work because she can't man up.









He works 24/7 even when he's home. I've told him this is all too much for me and he is trying to scale back his workload. But owning your own company it's hard to do that. It's not a 9-5 with vacations and sick time.











Quoting 3gr8tKids:

Wake up call -the person taking advantage of you is your boyfriend the child's father the biological mother!!!!



Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:14 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with this. This is what I've been saying as well.


Quoting fliptopz4:




Quoting Anonymous:

We decided that I would be a sahm before we had our baby. I'm here to do the kid stuff cause that's my role. However it's getting to be more and more because she isn't doing her part. It's not his slack to pick up. Our home doesn't work like that. We are a team. We have both been trying to work something out to take a little bit off my shoulders. He's trying to schedule back his work load but its not always possible. He has a 24/7 job.



This is more about her not caring anyways. They have joint custody. That means it should be a joint effort.



Quoting fliptopz4:

I really think the problem is with your SO. He is allowing you to be used when its his place not yours to pick up the mothers slack.



I understand what your saying and I'm not trying to offend you but THEY have joint custody. If your not married than you are picking up his slack so he can make his business a success. If something happened between the two of you and you broke up what would you get besides a little bit of child support. Also if something happened to him and he died without a will you would get nothing but social security for your child which would'nt be much because you would be sharing it with the ex -wife for her children.  As for the ex-wife he should be dealing with her not you. She should be asking for his help with the kids and then if he needs you to help him he should ask you. If shes not doing her part its his place to talk to her and work out a compromise.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:19 PM
She should be dealing with him. But she's calling me. That's what this is about. She's calling me to do what needs to be done on her days (when he plans on working late or whatever) and not calling him. That's my issue. I spent years hearing from her how I wasn't the parent and the kids were none of my business. And now all of the sudden at her convenience they are. She will call me because he will tell her. You're my coparent. These are your days and you need to handle it (of course in dire emergencies he wouldn't but for her every other day crisis he will)

Thy should be coordinating doctors appointments. And going to school conferences. Instead it's him and I doing all those things. Not just me.

I'm not worried about the two if us breaking up. I don't care about what I get and what I don't get. I had a career before I was a sahm and will return to it if need be. He does have a will though. That states that any of the possessions we got during the coarse of our relationship will be mine. The cars, furniture or whatever. As for the kids. They each have a savings account he puts money into to for them.


I pick up a lot of his slack. And that was decided on before I quit my job to be home with the kids. Him and I are a team when it comes to our home. Her and him should be a team about their kids. Not me and him. Or me and her.

And this is more about her going from supermom to not caring. She's checking out and it will be awful for the kids. They love her and need her. This isn't about whose slack I pick up. I care that she doesn't care anymore that's it.

Quoting fliptopz4:




Quoting Anonymous:

We decided that I would be a sahm before we had our baby. I'm here to do the kid stuff cause that's my role. However it's getting to be more and more because she isn't doing her part. It's not his slack to pick up. Our home doesn't work like that. We are a team. We have both been trying to work something out to take a little bit off my shoulders. He's trying to schedule back his work load but its not always possible. He has a 24/7 job.



This is more about her not caring anyways. They have joint custody. That means it should be a joint effort.



Quoting fliptopz4:

I really think the problem is with your SO. He is allowing you to be used when its his place not yours to pick up the mothers slack.



I understand what your saying and I'm not trying to offend you but THEY have joint custody. If your not married than you are picking up his slack so he can make his business a success. If something happened between the two of you and you broke up what would you get besides a little bit of child support. Also if something happened to him and he died without a will you would get nothing but social security for your child which would'nt be much because you would be sharing it with the ex -wife for her children.  As for the ex-wife he should be dealing with her not you. She should be asking for his help with the kids and then if he needs you to help him he should ask you. If shes not doing her part its his place to talk to her and work out a compromise.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:18 PM
Or maybe whats his fault is you feeling like you're having to pick up the slack. Did i say bm supposedly checking out was his fault? Sorry i didn't make it clear but i didn't think you'd think i was meaning something so ridiculous. Scratch that.

Quoting Anonymous:

Of course. It's always the man. Too bad her failings aren't his fault.



He's not the one checking it.







Quoting Anonymous:

Sounds like your problem is with your man not bm.
november117
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:54 AM
Dh now stays home as well if ss is here extra. I have a two month old and almost 5 year old. I was pregnant and supposed to be on bedrest when bm started pulling her crap. I did it for dh so he could see ss extra but I was sick of being walked all over. I had to disengage before I went insane.


Quoting Anonymous:

I've discussed it with him and told him he needs to start scheduling his days to come home earlier to give me a hand. I have my own baby and a teenager. I also have another baby I take care of. He's been better about it. Sometimes shit happens and he can't make it and that I understand but otherwise I will lose my fucking mind doing it all.



Quoting november117:

This was happening to me once I became a sahm. I finally put my foot down. Dh got pissed and felt I was singlibg ss out when I wasn't.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
1lv2stks3nlz4ev
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 4:02 AM

 I am totally right there with you. I am "just the step mom" until DSD needs shoes, or other items they don't want to deal with. I am "just the step mom" until their washer breaks and they want me to do the whole households (3 adults a teen a toddler and an infant) laundry every weekend. (I refused btw. I do DSD's and thats it) I shouldn't hug her, or tell her shes beautiful, smart, kind and wonderful. I shouldn't encourage her. Until shes not doing well in a subject and they need someone to tutor her or help her with a project. Too many things to list on how I am "just the step mom" Until.... *grr*

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 13, 2013 at 9:40 AM
1 mom liked this
Right?


That's what I'm saying.

This isn't about my man not doing his part. He really does. And he's working on a way to be home more. I was just venting. And some have replied I shouldn't be doing anything. I have to do something. This is my family. I can't just stand by while I'm able and willing (most of the time) and do nothing. I just get frustrated. She treats me like I don't exist most of the time until she needs me.

Quoting 1lv2stks3nlz4ev:

 I am totally right there with you. I am "just the step mom" until DSD needs shoes, or other items they don't want to deal with. I am "just the step mom" until their washer breaks and they want me to do the whole households (3 adults a teen a toddler and an infant) laundry every weekend. (I refused btw. I do DSD's and thats it) I shouldn't hug her, or tell her shes beautiful, smart, kind and wonderful. I shouldn't encourage her. Until shes not doing well in a subject and they need someone to tutor her or help her with a project. Too many things to list on how I am "just the step mom" Until.... *grr*

1lv2stks3nlz4ev
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:27 PM
1 mom liked this

 Exactly. Bio-Dad is awesome. LOVES spending time with his girl and make sure its quality time. Tries to make sure he has the maximum time with her. But when thats not possible what am I supposed to do? Not feed her? Not make sure she gets some sleep? (She doesn't sleep much at home but thats a whole nother post all on its own) Not remind her to shower and take out her dog? According to her mother and many here.... Nope. I should let her do what she wants with no interferance from me until her father gets back from work. And God forbid I help her do her hair or paint her toes or look at pictures of the boy she likes and create a bonding experience because then I am overstepping and trying to replace her mother. Well what if, for some things, bio Mom Needs REPLACING?

Quoting Anonymous:

Right?


That's what I'm saying.

This isn't about my man not doing his part. He really does. And he's working on a way to be home more. I was just venting. And some have replied I shouldn't be doing anything. I have to do something. This is my family. I can't just stand by while I'm able and willing (most of the time) and do nothing. I just get frustrated. She treats me like I don't exist most of the time until she needs me.

Quoting 1lv2stks3nlz4ev:

 I am totally right there with you. I am "just the step mom" until DSD needs shoes, or other items they don't want to deal with. I am "just the step mom" until their washer breaks and they want me to do the whole households (3 adults a teen a toddler and an infant) laundry every weekend. (I refused btw. I do DSD's and thats it) I shouldn't hug her, or tell her shes beautiful, smart, kind and wonderful. I shouldn't encourage her. Until shes not doing well in a subject and they need someone to tutor her or help her with a project. Too many things to list on how I am "just the step mom" Until.... *grr*

 

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