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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

If your husband cheated and you found out

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And you and he miraculously worked it out, would you secretely keep up with him? 

My husband had a one night stand with an old girlfriend (long story but I was the one that introduced them again not knowing they had a past!!).  He told me and after ALOT of prayer and open, honest communication, we decided to stay together.  Now 4 years later we are stronger than we have ever been in our marriage. 

Up until recently, I kept tabs on his phone line (I can see who he calls and texts on our online bill) and he doesnt know.  The last time I did this his main phone calls and texts were to me.  I havent looked since because I really do trust him now.

Would you secretly keep tabs?

I think I've either liked or responded to everyone's comments (I'm still learning cafe mom and its hard to keep up!!) Thanks for all your responses alot of you guys know what it's like to stay in a marriage that was originally doomed to fail!!! 


by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Replies (141-150):
Purgatorian
by Bronze Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:05 PM

Absolutely. Even on the day I confronted him with undeniable proof and kicked him out I was insane, crazy, paranoid, cheating myself, making things up, etc. etc. Finally caught him in my car in an intimate embrace with the OW and he stopped saying nothing was going on but that he hadn't started anything until I booted him out.  LOL (not even two weeks later- yeah right buddy)

Only finally came clean about the other times when we were in marriage counseling and I was ready to quit going and get divorced.  Last ditch effort I guess to keep me did he finally admit to his infidelities.

If you have some trust issues with your man might I suggest joining the Detective Wives Club here on CM. Ideas and support from women who have been there.

Quoting DesignedMom:

 So, during he still confessed to only loving you?

Quoting Purgatorian:

Well, I caught him with enough proof numerous times over the years to know he had cheated on me but always let him charm his way out of it or make me feel insecure or paranoid.  When push came to shove (and I got the balls to face the situation head on) I finally caught him in an intimate embrace with an OW. Years later he fully admitted to the different times and women he had slept with or been emotionally intimate with.

I might add he has yet to change and has been through an additional 3 committed relationships since our separation in which he has been unfaithful. 

I think women have that "sense" of when their man is being unfaithful.  Whether they deem infidelity as emotional or physical, I think we get an inkling of it and just have to have the courage to pay attention to it.

Quoting DesignedMom:

 How did you know he was a serial cheater? Sounds dumb but please answer

Quoting Purgatorian:

No, since I wouldn't be with him after the first indiscretion. But that's me.

First husband was a cheater and I kept tabs on him until our divorce.  But, he was a serial cheater.  Can't say what would have happened if I felt certain that it was a one time thing.

If it puts your mind at ease continue to do so. I dont think any sane person would blame you for it since he was once unfaithful.

 

 

 

 

~~~There are two theories for arguing with me. Neither one works.~~~

Purgatorian
by Bronze Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:32 PM

I'm sorry I kind of chuckled to myself on this one.

From the way you stated these I am worried for you in other areas than infidelity.

One- came out sounding like you have him so brow-beaten he couldn't imagine going against your iron rule- that surely cant be any fun to be all-powerful in your relationship over having a partner.

Two- Naive to think he doesn't keep secrets from you.  Everyone keeps something back.  If they say differently, then IMO they are a liar.

Three- Glad you trust him and he appears to trust you, but you are not living inside the mans head and can not proclaim to know his personal, private thoughts at all times. Personally I think it foolish to place 100% trust in any other living creature besides yourself.  But hey, that's just me I guess.

Four- Glad you have a plan but when dealing with sneaky liars you can't always depend on the fact that you will get the truth willingly...kinda the point of them being sneaky liars ya know.

Quoting supermomz25:

number one, my husband wouldn't have the balls to cheat on me
number two, my husband and I keep no secrets
number three, my husband and I completely trust each other
number four, if I ever thought something fishy was going on, I would confront him directly, not sneak around and keep tabs on him

 

~~~There are two theories for arguing with me. Neither one works.~~~

kimkrys1
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:39 PM
1 mom liked this

thank you Purgatorian... my sentiments exactly!!! 

Quoting Purgatorian:

I'm sorry I kind of chuckled to myself on this one.

From the way you stated these I am worried for you in other areas than infidelity.

One- came out sounding like you have him so brow-beaten he couldn't imagine going against your iron rule- that surely cant be any fun to be all-powerful in your relationship over having a partner.

Two- Naive to think he doesn't keep secrets from you.  Everyone keeps something back.  If they say differently, then IMO they are a liar.

Three- Glad you trust him and he appears to trust you, but you are not living inside the mans head and can not proclaim to know his personal, private thoughts at all times. Personally I think it foolish to place 100% trust in any other living creature besides yourself.  But hey, that's just me I guess.

Four- Glad you have a plan but when dealing with sneaky liars you can't always depend on the fact that you will get the truth willingly...kinda the point of them being sneaky liars ya know.

Quoting supermomz25:

number one, my husband wouldn't have the balls to cheat on me
number two, my husband and I keep no secrets
number three, my husband and I completely trust each other
number four, if I ever thought something fishy was going on, I would confront him directly, not sneak around and keep tabs on him

 


Anonymous
by Anonymous 22 on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:40 PM

I don't keep tabs anymore, I don't have the time or emotional energy for that. If he's going to cheat he's going to, I'm just trusting that he won't and trusting I'd feel it if it started going that way

supermomz25
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:42 PM

one-my husband doesn't like to be in charge, so I am
two-that's your opinion
three-he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him yet
four-my husband couldn't lie if he was paid to do so 

Quoting Purgatorian:

I'm sorry I kind of chuckled to myself on this one.

From the way you stated these I am worried for you in other areas than infidelity.

One- came out sounding like you have him so brow-beaten he couldn't imagine going against your iron rule- that surely cant be any fun to be all-powerful in your relationship over having a partner.

Two- Naive to think he doesn't keep secrets from you.  Everyone keeps something back.  If they say differently, then IMO they are a liar.

Three- Glad you trust him and he appears to trust you, but you are not living inside the mans head and can not proclaim to know his personal, private thoughts at all times. Personally I think it foolish to place 100% trust in any other living creature besides yourself.  But hey, that's just me I guess.

Four- Glad you have a plan but when dealing with sneaky liars you can't always depend on the fact that you will get the truth willingly...kinda the point of them being sneaky liars ya know.

Quoting supermomz25:

number one, my husband wouldn't have the balls to cheat on me
number two, my husband and I keep no secrets
number three, my husband and I completely trust each other
number four, if I ever thought something fishy was going on, I would confront him directly, not sneak around and keep tabs on him

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 23 on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:48 PM
1 mom liked this
I did for a while after I found out he cheated. It was a few years ago and I don't check anymore. 1) I don't want to find anything and 2) if it happened again I'd be fine walking away. It's not something I'd go through again, no matter how much I love him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 24 on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:59 PM

My husband had an emotional affair while he was deployed. I found out 2wks after he came home. We were living apart as he was getting out and moving back to our home town where I had already found a job.

He was visiting for the weekend. He got a text from a friend. I regularly check his texts to see if its something important I need to wake him up for(he sleeps very hard) well this friend had said something of no consiquence in that text but I could see the ones above it. The one just above said "Get off the phone with T and get down here". This tipped me off. I scrolled up more to see more about her. So I checked his FB where I found it all.

We talked a LOT he cried a LOT, I cried a LOT. We worked threw it, I told him I would be suspicious for a long time. He understood. I moved back with him and continued to keep tabs on him. That was mid last year. It wasnt until 2-3 months ago that I stopped keeping tabs on him. What changed was him talking to other friends going threw the same thing.

2 friends. Both times the things he advised them made me feel so much more secure. Its hard to get past that and luckily he has never objected to me checking things or being worried now. We talk much more openly about when Im feeling like things are iffy(even when they are not) but over all we communicate much better.

kimkrys1
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:02 PM

Thank you.. I suppose him being deployed and the stress he had could have alot to do with it as well.. I am so glad you worked it out!!!! 

Quoting Anonymous:

My husband had an emotional affair while he was deployed. I found out 2wks after he came home. We were living apart as he was getting out and moving back to our home town where I had already found a job.

He was visiting for the weekend. He got a text from a friend. I regularly check his texts to see if its something important I need to wake him up for(he sleeps very hard) well this friend had said something of no consiquence in that text but I could see the ones above it. The one just above said "Get off the phone with T and get down here". This tipped me off. I scrolled up more to see more about her. So I checked his FB where I found it all.

We talked a LOT he cried a LOT, I cried a LOT. We worked threw it, I told him I would be suspicious for a long time. He understood. I moved back with him and continued to keep tabs on him. That was mid last year. It wasnt until 2-3 months ago that I stopped keeping tabs on him. What changed was him talking to other friends going threw the same thing.

2 friends. Both times the things he advised them made me feel so much more secure. Its hard to get past that and luckily he has never objected to me checking things or being worried now. We talk much more openly about when Im feeling like things are iffy(even when they are not) but over all we communicate much better.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 24 on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:08 PM


It did(but as we talked he realized was not an excuse). Some stuff had happened that he wasnt cluing me in on. He was off duty for quite a while and had a lot of time. I was not available to talk to him as much as he needed. This other woman had all day, they also had a history. My husband is a words guy, he likes when people say nice things to him, and she did. Out of guilt he started to get parinoid with me when I would talk about the guys at my work(like in a simple story). That started a few fights for us.

Whats funny is when they first started talking on FB her husband freaked out on DH(a few months before any of the affair started) saying the friends from her past were bad influences on her.  I have a feeling they have had issues before.

*its also why I stopped drinking. 2 times after all of this and we went out, I drunkely found a way to work it into a different issue and said some VERY nasty things that I didnt mean. Things like that only set back healing.

Quoting kimkrys1:

Thank you.. I suppose him being deployed and the stress he had could have alot to do with it as well.. I am so glad you worked it out!!!! 

Quoting Anonymous:

My husband had an emotional affair while he was deployed. I found out 2wks after he came home. We were living apart as he was getting out and moving back to our home town where I had already found a job.

He was visiting for the weekend. He got a text from a friend. I regularly check his texts to see if its something important I need to wake him up for(he sleeps very hard) well this friend had said something of no consiquence in that text but I could see the ones above it. The one just above said "Get off the phone with T and get down here". This tipped me off. I scrolled up more to see more about her. So I checked his FB where I found it all.

We talked a LOT he cried a LOT, I cried a LOT. We worked threw it, I told him I would be suspicious for a long time. He understood. I moved back with him and continued to keep tabs on him. That was mid last year. It wasnt until 2-3 months ago that I stopped keeping tabs on him. What changed was him talking to other friends going threw the same thing.

2 friends. Both times the things he advised them made me feel so much more secure. Its hard to get past that and luckily he has never objected to me checking things or being worried now. We talk much more openly about when Im feeling like things are iffy(even when they are not) but over all we communicate much better.




SusieQue717
by Gold Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:22 PM

Thank you, I like to think so :)

Quoting kimkrys1:

Your husband is VERY smart!!! Show not tell is alot more convincing!!! 

Quoting SusieQue717:

I grew up with a father that cheated constantly, and I watched all of my uncles do it. He knows that I deal with those demons, and we've been together for 11 years. He pretty much figured he'd show me, not tell me. I am working on it. I know I have a ways to go, but baby steps are better than no steps. 

Quoting kimkrys1:

OH SUSIE!!! Bless your heart!!!! I know that must be a hard life to live... have you tried talking to him?

Quoting SusieQue717:

He's never cheated and I keep tabs... and by never cheated, I mean never admitted to it... I don't know with 100% certainty that he hasn't. I am trying not to snoop so much, and he doesn't have any idea that I snoop around... 





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