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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Kids in FT Daycare

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

Moms, if your children are in daycare full time, do you feel like you miss out on a lot?  That you don't see your kids enough?  That you're only a part time parent, if that?  That, maybe, it was pointless to have kids, as you see them so little?

We're friends with a couple who wants to have their third child. Their other two children are in daycare 50-55 hours each week.  I don't get the point of having another child that they'd never see.

Thoughts?


EDIT: Regarding kids in school- they aren't there for 11 hours daily, usually.  This couple drops their DDs off at 7:00am and picks them up at 6:00pm, occasionally 5:00pm.


EDIT 2: I see that some of you "ladies" have chosen to attack me personally instead of answering the above questions.  Stop being so easily offended.  If you have something valid to add about the topic, please do. Calling me judgemental or a bitch, and saying it's none of my business isn't adding anything to the conversation, whether or not it's true.  You're saying it just to make yourselves feel better.  Maybe you could actually try answering the questions?  

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 13, 2013 at 2:24 PM
Replies (1341-1350):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 133 on Feb. 24, 2013 at 10:31 AM
Oh I know!!! I wish I could cut down on my quote trees. Lol

Quoting KairisMama:

Holy quote trees. Cafemom can you make it possible to cut the trees while mobile? Lol damn.
xxshelbyxxx
by Scarlet begonias on Feb. 25, 2013 at 6:37 AM
Well thanks for putting me in my place because I obviously needed it. Looking back on my comments to everyone, you're right I was basically saying my choices are the better choices and that you're a bad parent by sending your kids to daycare. So for that, I'm sorry. I guess being a first time mom and not really hanging out with alot of other moms, even though I have plenty of mommy friends, I never brought into consideration that there's OTHER ways to parent besides my own, and that, like you said, there isn't a one size fits all parenting approach... I'm sorry. I guess I'm gonna have to get used to other parents doing things for their kids that I wouldn't do myself and realize that they're for my OWN reasons. So whatever reasons YOUR choices are made are for YOUR family's benefit because its what's best for YOUR family. It's gonna take some getting used to because I do read alot and most of the studies I've read say some crap things about daycare systems. But I imagine childcare on a base is a lot different and more structured then regular daycares in America.


Quoting Anonymous:

That's all I care about, is that you SEE that your judgments were unnecessary and harsh towards working mothers putting children in daycare which was my point. The reason I honed in on you is because you kept boasting about how you're so superior because you don't put your kid in daycare. Then you pulled some bogus stats about daycare increasing the risk of obesity which is utter crap.



I didn't flip out on you, but I wanted to make a very valid point. I'm sure you and your so are great parents which was my point the entire time!!! You may not make all the same decisions I do, but I can look in on your life and start drawing conclusions and determinations as well. Just as you've done with working mothers. Claiming you're better because you don't put your child in daycare then start pulling out stats that aren't based on actual studies or facts! Well there are tons of studies and research done on children being born to educated parents who are married.



I basically did the same thing you did to others. I called into question your parenting choices and put you on the defensive. You obviously didn't like it. You were doing that very same shit to others.



You were targeted because you were incredibly persistent and wouldn't stop with the "I'm better" nonsense.



We all make decisions for our families that are the best for US. YOU and your so made decisions that fit your family the best and other families do the same. There is no one size fits all in parenting. Daycares CAN be very beneficial if a good one is found. And that is up to the parents to look into every potential daycare. A good care giver can be a great addition to the child's life and provide amazing benefits without causing harm or wreaking havoc on a child's life. My two youngest go to an amazing daycare center. It's on base and is stricter at hiring people than civilian daycare centers. Background checks, drug testing,references, and many other sorts of clearances before an indivisible is hired.



In addition to this daycare center , we have an on call nanny who taught my daughter to sign and her colors, and where nose, eyes and mouth are. She doesn't raise my kids, because I'm still the one my daughter and kids run to for affection. But she's a great addition into our family and helps out a lot.



Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Well you're right about me being judgmental to mothers with kids in daycare and I shouldn't have said any of it, so for that I'm sorry. But I don't believe for one second that my bf and I waiting to get married means my kids living in a less stable environment than yours. We have no underlying issues to work on, we didnt go into counseling because of infidelity, trust issues, major arguing or anything like that.. We went because we squabble about dumb little things and we've since learned that's only because we need to communicate better, our needs, our dislikes, our likes and our opinions. That's what our counselor helped us see.. So there isn't an unstable setting here because we have a loving, caring, affectionate, nurturing and successful household. Successful meaning we make $ to live life without worrying, but were not rich, were fine with what we have.





I'm sorry I offended you but was it really necessary to flip on me like that and insult my very loving relationship with the father of my son?






Quoting Anonymous:

Lol







I NEVER said I was better but it's amusing to see you get sooooo upset when the tables are turned and now you're defending your choices when you were attacking others for theirs in putting their kids in daycare. I don't have an office job. Lol







Yes, stability comes with marriage. The fact that you and your so are "working on things" leads me to believe there is little stability. And splitting things evenly?







You have no idea how much we make. And it isn't always about the money and why getting a degree is beneficial. My kids will have better role models. More opportunities. But hey, I'm such a terrible mom for putting them in daycare right?







Enough of your bitching. Stfu with your own sanctimonious bullshit towards those who put their kids in daycare.







THAT was my whole point. But you keep disregarding that I just gave you a whopping dose of your very own medicine.







Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Holy shit I can't believe you actually believe all that! That only moms like YOU can have a life without a man supporting you. I work so that I can afford everything for MYself. SO and I split everything equally for DS and we each have our money for our own things.. And it'd stay that way if we weren't together. YOU think you're better just because you have a college education?? Why? There's so many people who make more money than you withOUT a college education. Being stable doesnt equal a marriage and a full time office job.










Quoting Anonymous:

Maybe next time you'll stfu and not cast judgment on working moms putting their children into daycare. My whole point is that you're a mom who isn't married to her so. The relationship isn't stable and I can pull up many statistic that show how it's better for children to be in a stable family with married parents. Just as you pulled some bogus stats from your ass correlating daycare to obesity.











I can't believe you honestly think your choices are some how superior to mine. I'm college educated. Married to my dh for 10 years, we both work stable jobs that provide a nice life for our children but yes, they go to daycare. A GOOD one. Which sources will tell you that a GOOD daycare will actually be beneficial to children rather than be detrimental.











Those in glass houses, and all that. You're a very young first time mom and you think the only way to be a good parent is to do things how you're doing them. You failed at providing a stable home for your child. You have no education short of high school. If your so were to leave you, you'd be just another statistic. A single mom with no education.











If anything were to happen to my dh, I would still be able to take care of my family and provide for them.











So next time, before you get bitchy and judgmental about those who put their kids in daycare, maybe you'll think back and remember this valuable lesson.











Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Omg! What is with these days being so damn bitchy and judgemental?! How are we not in a stable relationship just because we're trying to better ourselves for eAchother before marriage so that we can communicate more effectively and work on problems the right way!? What is married people thinking the only way to have children is if you're married!? Haven't you ever heard of unplanned pregnancy!? Do you know how many couples have kids together unplanned and are th bet parents any kid could ask for?? I can't believe that there's people that actually believe having kids before marriage is a crime. Or something that's gonna damage my child!














Quoting Anonymous:

Oh so this guy was good enough to have a kid with and be tied to for the rest of yours and the child's lives, but not good enough to marry?















You want to talk about stats and what's better for kids, being married and stable before having children is better. Rather than popping out kids in an unstable relationship.















But hey, you're at least staying home and mooching off others, right?















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Why are you assuming I can't afford my ONE child? I'm more then able to afford my life as a mother of ONE child, with some money leftover. And if you notice in that article it says "it doesn't matter the type of relationship, as long as its stable!" ... I'm sorry but I don't believe for one second that forcing yourself into a marriage you're not entirely sure you want, is better for the child of those parents. Parents that argue all the time because they shouldn't have been married in the first place? That's better for a kid then living stably with two parents who are working to better their relationship beFORE marrying!? ...

















Go make a poll right now asking how many moms have been divorced once already in their life. Then ask how many have divorced twice. How is that Better for the child? I'm SURE if those women could take it back they would, it'd save them the hassle of divorcing someone they weren't ever happy with/ but were persuaded into marriage by people like you and studies like these that are DUMB.


















Quoting Anonymous:

Hey, while we're spouting off statistics, lets address the fact that you're popping out kids you can't afford and doing it without the security and stability of marriage. Because it is statistically proven children do much better with married parents who are educated.



















So how about you cut the condescending bullshit towards those who are older and actually providing a stable life for their families.







































Why children thrive with married parents









By STEVE DOUGHTY









UPDATED: 03:02 EST, 20 April 2010









Comments (47)









Share



















Children are more likely to thrive if their parents are married, a respected think-tank said yesterday.









It found the most important factor in a child's development is their parents' background, including their ethnicity, education, social status, wealth and relationship history.









And it is couples who are wealthier, healthier and better educated who are more likely to get married.









Cohabiting couples tended to be less educated, younger, had a lower household income than married parents, and the quality and stability of their relationship also differed, it added.









A child's success in life is a result of ' differences in the sort of parents who decide to get married rather than to cohabit,' the independent Institute for Fiscal Studies said.









Its report, by researchers Alissa Goodman and Ellen Greaves, was based on the Millennium Cohort Study, which has followed the lives of 20,000 children since they were born in 2000. The findings are likely to be a blow to the Tories, who have promised tax breaks for married couples in the belief that it is marriage itself that makes children thrive.









But the IFS report claims that children who fare better had parents who would marry anyway.









Although academics, researchers and statisticians acknowledge children with married parents are healthier, do better at school and are less likely to fall into crime, drug abuse and early pregnancy, there is little agreement about why this should be the case.









Advocates of marriage say that the legal contract and its public status mean couples are more likely to work harder through any problems for the benefit of each other and their children.









There is also little consensus over whether it is money that makes people marry or it is those who marry who become better off. All political parties have said they accept it is better for children if their parents stay together rather than break up.









But yesterday's IFS report said: 'Children of married parents do better than the children of cohabiting parents in a number of dimensions, particularly on measures of social and emotional development at the ages of three and five.









'But parents who are married differ from those who are cohabiting in very substantial ways, particularly relating to their ethnicity, education and socio-economic status.









'Once we take these factors into account, there are no longer any significant differences in these child outcomes between children of married and cohabiting parents.'









The researchers also warned that 'some caution is needed in interpreting our findings', which 'require some judgment on the part of the reader'.









The findings are likely to be welcomed by Children's Secretary Ed Balls, who has led Labour's campaign against the Tory proposals for a marriage tax break.









Mr Balls said in January: 'Once you adjust for the fact that people who are married tend to marry older, be better educated and have higher incomes, you find it is not the legal form, it is the strength and stability of the relationship which is most important.'









The Government's Office for National Statistics said last month that married couples are more stable than those in other types of relationship no matter how well off, well-educated or old they are.









'Marital partnerships were more stable, even when other factors were taken into account,' the researchers said after examining national census results.









Its report said people were less likely to have stayed with the same partner for a decade if they were younger, had no children, had a debilitating illness, had been through broken relationships before, and had a poor education, were from a low social class, or were jobless.









But it added: 'Marriage remains more stable than cohabitation after controlling for individual factors.'



























































Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Well not having sex til marriage is a religious choice, that doesn't mean if you have sex before marriage because you're in LOVE that you're not a self respecting, educated woman.. And my mother was home with me everyday after school also, that's why we had such a close relationship, she was the one who taught me all those important life skills one needs to know as they get older. But I don't agree with you that a parent being home with their kid is less important Now then in their teen years. That's just ludicrous. There's studies showing that kids who spend time in daycare are 50% more likely to be obese and that chance rises with every hour they spend.






















Quoting Anonymous:














Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

You make a very good point and I never looked at it that way until you said all that.. But the thing is, you CAN be taught that stuff while still going to regular schools. Because I learned ALL of that from my mother, starting early on I had the closest relationship with her and I learned all those things from her, therefore when things came up at school, I could ask her about any of it and I got an answer that helped me through it by making the right choices. I'm Doing the same for my child whether or not he's in a public school or homeschooled. And I can't answer your question about having a sitter when my child is 15, but probably not based on when I was that old, I didn't need one. But that's also because my mother taught me how to behave and I had alot of self respect and she didnt worry about me 'screwing my bf at 15' because I was taught that my body is a temple and its to be respected, I didn't have sex til I was 18 though I have plenty of friends that were, I didn't join. I learned this all AT home while goin to public school ANd private school before that.























Exactly what is your point here? That I shouldn't send my kid to school or else I'm lazy and they won't learn about condone and sex and animal abuse? That's a long ways down the road, you're thinkin too far ahead for my 18 month old son I'm sorry. My point was the first 1-3 years are when a child NEEDS the most affection and its when they realize you're loyal to them and all that good jazz. Look it up. Not being around for a child that age is detrimental. And I'm NOT saying its ok to not be around when your kids old! You know I'm not saying that so don't say I am and twist my words again please thanks



































Quoting Anonymous:















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Haha yes you're absolutely right here ! I think you're missing the fact that I'm in agreeance with you here. I think daycare is for lazy parents and its a CHOICE is what I meant. You HAVE to somewhat see the point I was tryin to make- that school whether it be homeschool or public or private ISNt a choice, kids need an education! But I do think when the child hits school age, say first grade, if that parent decides to send them to public or private school rather then homeschooling, I don't think that's the same lazy selfish neglectful CHOICE as choosing to send your BABiES to daycare. Once first grade comes around your child has spent it's most important developmental stages with you and you've dedicated those 6+ years to being the main caregiver in your child's life, its NOt lazy choosing to send your kid to a regular school. That's the route most parents choose, not because they're lazy. Ill never send my kid to daycare and never an after school program because I, me and myself wanna be the one doing everything with and for my kid. School stuff, new milestones, sports; everything... So at age 6, or school age; the parenting dedication doesn't stop, if anything it becomes even stronger. I just meant that I think choosing to send your kid to a regular school when they're 6 years old is ALOT different then saying you have to send them to daycare cuz YOU can't afford it. Get what I mean?






































Quoting Anonymous:
















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

No it's not the same and OP knows that, that's why she didnt say school! And this comparison doesn't even make sense because SCHOOL comes along with growing up, with childhood. It's a given! Parents can't just choose not to send their kids to school cuz one is a SAHP and can be with him/her all day.. Then they'd be held legally responsible for education neglect. Daycare is a CHOICE to send your child to Someone ELSEs care ALL day rather then YOU yourself caring for your OWN kid. It's a choice to be a part Time parent. You're not being a part time parent by sending your kids to school. Your being a parent. Straight up, just a parent. Duh. What a dumb comparison!









































Quoting Anonymous:

You could say the same about kids in school.  Why do you send your kids to school-that makes you a part time parent doesn't it?





























But you can HOME school ionstead of sending your kids off for the teachers to raise-and you being a part time parent.  Why does it change when the kid turns 5?

Why do you CHOOSE to send your kid to school all day long instead of taking care of them and educating them yourself?  Lazy? 



























I have grown kids and you have it SO  backasswards.  The things kids learn at the age before the age of 5 are universals. Please thank you manners, sharing-and everyone who is even half way decent teaches them-it;s after that where the issues come up-when a 10 year old is talking about a show he saw on TV and your 6 year old comes hom knowing the word Fuck-a word he never heard from you...or when your 13 year old has her 15 year old friend get pregnant-THAT is when they need you. And YOU specfically....the later years are FAR FAR more character shaping than the ages of 1-5.

Abortion birth control condoms for boys sex menstruation, respect for your body and yourself-sex before commitment-children outside of marriage-is a blow job sex-can  a condom really prevent herpes-PA gun control-animal abuse...these are things that kids before school age don't have issues with-but the later years..THAT is when your ass needs to be home.  So your 15 year old isn't screwing her 17 year old boyfriend at 4 in the afternoon.....your 5 year old is fine with a loving caregiver...but will you have a sitter for your 13 year old? Your 15 year old?

























I am saying the MOST important time is later-not now.  My mom worked and was home after school every day. And guess what? I didn't have sex until I was out of college out of grad school and married.

Because she was THERE after school every day of my life-and I WENT to daycare....so I didnt have sex when I was 18-I waited until I was married.







Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 133 on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:04 AM
I'm sorry for the harsh approach, but I saw a really smart girl (no offense here) and was doing what she could to be a good mom but was a little big for her britches. Trust me I'm no perfect mom! But we all make choices that best suit our families and to someone on the outside, it's easy for them to judge appearances. I see it on here ALL the time. Women wanting to apply their lives and how they chose to do things to everyone else because dont you know it, my way is the best way!! Lol it's what cafemom is.

I work and my dh work. I work mainly because I want to and it helps provide for my family. I didn't work from when I had my middle son until just last June. Part of it was spent fighting cancer. Surgeries , chemo, etc. went to school all throughout this time because I had goals for myself. It was something I looked forward to once I was done with all my surgeries.

I love my job and I have excellent care givers for my two youngest kids. I honestly can't say enough good things about the lady that cares for my kids. Not to mention, my job is incredibly flexible! I pick my own hours. I can choose from 4,8, or 12 hour shifts!
Anyway, I understand the sentiment of feeling parents should be at home with their children, it works for some families but not all. That's ok though!

I greatly admire someone who can admit she was wrong. I'm sorry as well for going and digging. Not my best moment!

But it's very admirable to humble yourself. I've made plenty of mistakes when I was a first time mommy. I've made some whoppers!! I have 4 kids and have been doing this awhile. There will always be those who think daycare is evil and horrible. They're obvious lost causes.

I didn't think that of you though. ;)

Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Well thanks for putting me in my place because I obviously needed it. Looking back on my comments to everyone, you're right I was basically saying my choices are the better choices and that you're a bad parent by sending your kids to daycare. So for that, I'm sorry. I guess being a first time mom and not really hanging out with alot of other moms, even though I have plenty of mommy friends, I never brought into consideration that there's OTHER ways to parent besides my own, and that, like you said, there isn't a one size fits all parenting approach... I'm sorry. I guess I'm gonna have to get used to other parents doing things for their kids that I wouldn't do myself and realize that they're for my OWN reasons. So whatever reasons YOUR choices are made are for YOUR family's benefit because its what's best for YOUR family. It's gonna take some getting used to because I do read alot and most of the studies I've read say some crap things about daycare systems. But I imagine childcare on a base is a lot different and more structured then regular daycares in America.




Quoting Anonymous:

That's all I care about, is that you SEE that your judgments were unnecessary and harsh towards working mothers putting children in daycare which was my point. The reason I honed in on you is because you kept boasting about how you're so superior because you don't put your kid in daycare. Then you pulled some bogus stats about daycare increasing the risk of obesity which is utter crap.





I didn't flip out on you, but I wanted to make a very valid point. I'm sure you and your so are great parents which was my point the entire time!!! You may not make all the same decisions I do, but I can look in on your life and start drawing conclusions and determinations as well. Just as you've done with working mothers. Claiming you're better because you don't put your child in daycare then start pulling out stats that aren't based on actual studies or facts! Well there are tons of studies and research done on children being born to educated parents who are married.





I basically did the same thing you did to others. I called into question your parenting choices and put you on the defensive. You obviously didn't like it. You were doing that very same shit to others.





You were targeted because you were incredibly persistent and wouldn't stop with the "I'm better" nonsense.





We all make decisions for our families that are the best for US. YOU and your so made decisions that fit your family the best and other families do the same. There is no one size fits all in parenting. Daycares CAN be very beneficial if a good one is found. And that is up to the parents to look into every potential daycare. A good care giver can be a great addition to the child's life and provide amazing benefits without causing harm or wreaking havoc on a child's life. My two youngest go to an amazing daycare center. It's on base and is stricter at hiring people than civilian daycare centers. Background checks, drug testing,references, and many other sorts of clearances before an indivisible is hired.





In addition to this daycare center , we have an on call nanny who taught my daughter to sign and her colors, and where nose, eyes and mouth are. She doesn't raise my kids, because I'm still the one my daughter and kids run to for affection. But she's a great addition into our family and helps out a lot.





Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Well you're right about me being judgmental to mothers with kids in daycare and I shouldn't have said any of it, so for that I'm sorry. But I don't believe for one second that my bf and I waiting to get married means my kids living in a less stable environment than yours. We have no underlying issues to work on, we didnt go into counseling because of infidelity, trust issues, major arguing or anything like that.. We went because we squabble about dumb little things and we've since learned that's only because we need to communicate better, our needs, our dislikes, our likes and our opinions. That's what our counselor helped us see.. So there isn't an unstable setting here because we have a loving, caring, affectionate, nurturing and successful household. Successful meaning we make $ to live life without worrying, but were not rich, were fine with what we have.







I'm sorry I offended you but was it really necessary to flip on me like that and insult my very loving relationship with the father of my son?








Quoting Anonymous:

Lol









I NEVER said I was better but it's amusing to see you get sooooo upset when the tables are turned and now you're defending your choices when you were attacking others for theirs in putting their kids in daycare. I don't have an office job. Lol









Yes, stability comes with marriage. The fact that you and your so are "working on things" leads me to believe there is little stability. And splitting things evenly?









You have no idea how much we make. And it isn't always about the money and why getting a degree is beneficial. My kids will have better role models. More opportunities. But hey, I'm such a terrible mom for putting them in daycare right?









Enough of your bitching. Stfu with your own sanctimonious bullshit towards those who put their kids in daycare.









THAT was my whole point. But you keep disregarding that I just gave you a whopping dose of your very own medicine.









Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Holy shit I can't believe you actually believe all that! That only moms like YOU can have a life without a man supporting you. I work so that I can afford everything for MYself. SO and I split everything equally for DS and we each have our money for our own things.. And it'd stay that way if we weren't together. YOU think you're better just because you have a college education?? Why? There's so many people who make more money than you withOUT a college education. Being stable doesnt equal a marriage and a full time office job.












Quoting Anonymous:

Maybe next time you'll stfu and not cast judgment on working moms putting their children into daycare. My whole point is that you're a mom who isn't married to her so. The relationship isn't stable and I can pull up many statistic that show how it's better for children to be in a stable family with married parents. Just as you pulled some bogus stats from your ass correlating daycare to obesity.













I can't believe you honestly think your choices are some how superior to mine. I'm college educated. Married to my dh for 10 years, we both work stable jobs that provide a nice life for our children but yes, they go to daycare. A GOOD one. Which sources will tell you that a GOOD daycare will actually be beneficial to children rather than be detrimental.













Those in glass houses, and all that. You're a very young first time mom and you think the only way to be a good parent is to do things how you're doing them. You failed at providing a stable home for your child. You have no education short of high school. If your so were to leave you, you'd be just another statistic. A single mom with no education.













If anything were to happen to my dh, I would still be able to take care of my family and provide for them.













So next time, before you get bitchy and judgmental about those who put their kids in daycare, maybe you'll think back and remember this valuable lesson.













Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Omg! What is with these days being so damn bitchy and judgemental?! How are we not in a stable relationship just because we're trying to better ourselves for eAchother before marriage so that we can communicate more effectively and work on problems the right way!? What is married people thinking the only way to have children is if you're married!? Haven't you ever heard of unplanned pregnancy!? Do you know how many couples have kids together unplanned and are th bet parents any kid could ask for?? I can't believe that there's people that actually believe having kids before marriage is a crime. Or something that's gonna damage my child!
















Quoting Anonymous:

Oh so this guy was good enough to have a kid with and be tied to for the rest of yours and the child's lives, but not good enough to marry?

















You want to talk about stats and what's better for kids, being married and stable before having children is better. Rather than popping out kids in an unstable relationship.

















But hey, you're at least staying home and mooching off others, right?

















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Why are you assuming I can't afford my ONE child? I'm more then able to afford my life as a mother of ONE child, with some money leftover. And if you notice in that article it says "it doesn't matter the type of relationship, as long as its stable!" ... I'm sorry but I don't believe for one second that forcing yourself into a marriage you're not entirely sure you want, is better for the child of those parents. Parents that argue all the time because they shouldn't have been married in the first place? That's better for a kid then living stably with two parents who are working to better their relationship beFORE marrying!? ...



















Go make a poll right now asking how many moms have been divorced once already in their life. Then ask how many have divorced twice. How is that Better for the child? I'm SURE if those women could take it back they would, it'd save them the hassle of divorcing someone they weren't ever happy with/ but were persuaded into marriage by people like you and studies like these that are DUMB.




















Quoting Anonymous:

Hey, while we're spouting off statistics, lets address the fact that you're popping out kids you can't afford and doing it without the security and stability of marriage. Because it is statistically proven children do much better with married parents who are educated.





















So how about you cut the condescending bullshit towards those who are older and actually providing a stable life for their families.











































Why children thrive with married parents










By STEVE DOUGHTY










UPDATED: 03:02 EST, 20 April 2010










Comments (47)










Share





















Children are more likely to thrive if their parents are married, a respected think-tank said yesterday.










It found the most important factor in a child's development is their parents' background, including their ethnicity, education, social status, wealth and relationship history.










And it is couples who are wealthier, healthier and better educated who are more likely to get married.










Cohabiting couples tended to be less educated, younger, had a lower household income than married parents, and the quality and stability of their relationship also differed, it added.










A child's success in life is a result of ' differences in the sort of parents who decide to get married rather than to cohabit,' the independent Institute for Fiscal Studies said.










Its report, by researchers Alissa Goodman and Ellen Greaves, was based on the Millennium Cohort Study, which has followed the lives of 20,000 children since they were born in 2000. The findings are likely to be a blow to the Tories, who have promised tax breaks for married couples in the belief that it is marriage itself that makes children thrive.










But the IFS report claims that children who fare better had parents who would marry anyway.










Although academics, researchers and statisticians acknowledge children with married parents are healthier, do better at school and are less likely to fall into crime, drug abuse and early pregnancy, there is little agreement about why this should be the case.










Advocates of marriage say that the legal contract and its public status mean couples are more likely to work harder through any problems for the benefit of each other and their children.










There is also little consensus over whether it is money that makes people marry or it is those who marry who become better off. All political parties have said they accept it is better for children if their parents stay together rather than break up.










But yesterday's IFS report said: 'Children of married parents do better than the children of cohabiting parents in a number of dimensions, particularly on measures of social and emotional development at the ages of three and five.










'But parents who are married differ from those who are cohabiting in very substantial ways, particularly relating to their ethnicity, education and socio-economic status.










'Once we take these factors into account, there are no longer any significant differences in these child outcomes between children of married and cohabiting parents.'










The researchers also warned that 'some caution is needed in interpreting our findings', which 'require some judgment on the part of the reader'.










The findings are likely to be welcomed by Children's Secretary Ed Balls, who has led Labour's campaign against the Tory proposals for a marriage tax break.










Mr Balls said in January: 'Once you adjust for the fact that people who are married tend to marry older, be better educated and have higher incomes, you find it is not the legal form, it is the strength and stability of the relationship which is most important.'










The Government's Office for National Statistics said last month that married couples are more stable than those in other types of relationship no matter how well off, well-educated or old they are.










'Marital partnerships were more stable, even when other factors were taken into account,' the researchers said after examining national census results.










Its report said people were less likely to have stayed with the same partner for a decade if they were younger, had no children, had a debilitating illness, had been through broken relationships before, and had a poor education, were from a low social class, or were jobless.










But it added: 'Marriage remains more stable than cohabitation after controlling for individual factors.'

































































Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Well not having sex til marriage is a religious choice, that doesn't mean if you have sex before marriage because you're in LOVE that you're not a self respecting, educated woman.. And my mother was home with me everyday after school also, that's why we had such a close relationship, she was the one who taught me all those important life skills one needs to know as they get older. But I don't agree with you that a parent being home with their kid is less important Now then in their teen years. That's just ludicrous. There's studies showing that kids who spend time in daycare are 50% more likely to be obese and that chance rises with every hour they spend.
























Quoting Anonymous:















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

You make a very good point and I never looked at it that way until you said all that.. But the thing is, you CAN be taught that stuff while still going to regular schools. Because I learned ALL of that from my mother, starting early on I had the closest relationship with her and I learned all those things from her, therefore when things came up at school, I could ask her about any of it and I got an answer that helped me through it by making the right choices. I'm Doing the same for my child whether or not he's in a public school or homeschooled. And I can't answer your question about having a sitter when my child is 15, but probably not based on when I was that old, I didn't need one. But that's also because my mother taught me how to behave and I had alot of self respect and she didnt worry about me 'screwing my bf at 15' because I was taught that my body is a temple and its to be respected, I didn't have sex til I was 18 though I have plenty of friends that were, I didn't join. I learned this all AT home while goin to public school ANd private school before that.

























Exactly what is your point here? That I shouldn't send my kid to school or else I'm lazy and they won't learn about condone and sex and animal abuse? That's a long ways down the road, you're thinkin too far ahead for my 18 month old son I'm sorry. My point was the first 1-3 years are when a child NEEDS the most affection and its when they realize you're loyal to them and all that good jazz. Look it up. Not being around for a child that age is detrimental. And I'm NOT saying its ok to not be around when your kids old! You know I'm not saying that so don't say I am and twist my words again please thanks






































Quoting Anonymous:
















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

Haha yes you're absolutely right here ! I think you're missing the fact that I'm in agreeance with you here. I think daycare is for lazy parents and its a CHOICE is what I meant. You HAVE to somewhat see the point I was tryin to make- that school whether it be homeschool or public or private ISNt a choice, kids need an education! But I do think when the child hits school age, say first grade, if that parent decides to send them to public or private school rather then homeschooling, I don't think that's the same lazy selfish neglectful CHOICE as choosing to send your BABiES to daycare. Once first grade comes around your child has spent it's most important developmental stages with you and you've dedicated those 6+ years to being the main caregiver in your child's life, its NOt lazy choosing to send your kid to a regular school. That's the route most parents choose, not because they're lazy. Ill never send my kid to daycare and never an after school program because I, me and myself wanna be the one doing everything with and for my kid. School stuff, new milestones, sports; everything... So at age 6, or school age; the parenting dedication doesn't stop, if anything it becomes even stronger. I just meant that I think choosing to send your kid to a regular school when they're 6 years old is ALOT different then saying you have to send them to daycare cuz YOU can't afford it. Get what I mean?









































Quoting Anonymous:

















Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

No it's not the same and OP knows that, that's why she didnt say school! And this comparison doesn't even make sense because SCHOOL comes along with growing up, with childhood. It's a given! Parents can't just choose not to send their kids to school cuz one is a SAHP and can be with him/her all day.. Then they'd be held legally responsible for education neglect. Daycare is a CHOICE to send your child to Someone ELSEs care ALL day rather then YOU yourself caring for your OWN kid. It's a choice to be a part Time parent. You're not being a part time parent by sending your kids to school. Your being a parent. Straight up, just a parent. Duh. What a dumb comparison!












































Quoting Anonymous:

You could say the same about kids in school.  Why do you send your kids to school-that makes you a part time parent doesn't it?































But you can HOME school ionstead of sending your kids off for the teachers to raise-and you being a part time parent.  Why does it change when the kid turns 5?

Why do you CHOOSE to send your kid to school all day long instead of taking care of them and educating them yourself?  Lazy? 





























I have grown kids and you have it SO  backasswards.  The things kids learn at the age before the age of 5 are universals. Please thank you manners, sharing-and everyone who is even half way decent teaches them-it;s after that where the issues come up-when a 10 year old is talking about a show he saw on TV and your 6 year old comes hom knowing the word Fuck-a word he never heard from you...or when your 13 year old has her 15 year old friend get pregnant-THAT is when they need you. And YOU specfically....the later years are FAR FAR more character shaping than the ages of 1-5.

Abortion birth control condoms for boys sex menstruation, respect for your body and yourself-sex before commitment-children outside of marriage-is a blow job sex-can  a condom really prevent herpes-PA gun control-animal abuse...these are things that kids before school age don't have issues with-but the later years..THAT is when your ass needs to be home.  So your 15 year old isn't screwing her 17 year old boyfriend at 4 in the afternoon.....your 5 year old is fine with a loving caregiver...but will you have a sitter for your 13 year old? Your 15 year old?



























I am saying the MOST important time is later-not now.  My mom worked and was home after school every day. And guess what? I didn't have sex until I was out of college out of grad school and married.

Because she was THERE after school every day of my life-and I WENT to daycare....so I didnt have sex when I was 18-I waited until I was married.







xxshelbyxxx
by Scarlet begonias on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:55 AM
Haha well I'm glad to hear you don't think I'm a lost cause because it sure sounded like you thought that in all your replies :/ .. But I understand now why you came at me that way and that's why I apologized. My way is the best way is the perfect way to put how I felt... But no longer feel I'm right in feeling that way, because I see now there's definitely no single, perfect way to do things. And every choice will have its own outcome and only then will the parent be able to judge whether or not their choice was a good one for THEM. But it sounds like you've already witnessed the outcome of sending your kids to daycare and its nothing but positives. So I can honestly say that I will no longer be the commenter on the daycare posts talking trash about that decision.. Ill just keep my opinion known to myself unless somebody else asks for it, and If they do ill make my opinion known but won't bash others unintentionally OR intentionally along the way. I have you giving me a taste of my own medicine to thank for that!

And I'm sorry to hear about the cancer, chemo and surgeries... I can't imagine what going through that must have felt like.. For you it your family. I hope everything is better now! It's sad how quick people are to judge others when they have NO idea what their situations like, ya know? That's a slap in the face for me actually.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Minnetonka
by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:20 PM
No----obviously not you (!) I was referring to "Anonymous" below who has the friends at work "surfing the web" and "Talking on the phone" all day at their place of employment. I was curious what kind of "job" that is and what kind of women talk about cheating their employer to their friends as if it were a high-class accomplishment. Let me guess, probably 20-somethings with no career path----just temporary jobs to get by...A job to pay their apartment rent.
Nice role model.
Sad.


Quoting AVSpecWife4:

Me??



Quoting Minnetonka:

....Just curious....


What kind of productive, high quality friends do you associate with that they admittedly tell people they surf the web and talk to friends all day at work? In addition, what kind of job (albeit obviously not a white collar career) do all these "working" women have that they get away with these immature activities instead of working? Birds of a feather........






Quoting AVSpecWife4:

I see MORE stay at home moms bashing working moms. You're doing it now! I love working at my job. I used to be a stay at home mom and loved it. But I was ready to go back to work to help provide for my family. I bust my ass at my job and at home , taking care of four kid. I love my days off with my kids because those days are so precious and we have a lot of fun. That's a really shitty thing to assume that working moms are lazy and not care for their kids.







Quoting Anonymous:

A great point was raised. I know plenty of working moms who don't do anything at work but surf the web and talk on the phone all day. Then they want to act like they're so hard working and better than stay at home moms? How? You're getting paid to slack off while your kid is being cared for by someone else and you want to bash at-home moms? Just admit it and say you HAVE to work. It's not because you want to use your degree or have a fulfilling life. I have a degree and I work harder and I am more productive taking care if my child than I ever was at work because I put my heart and soul into it! How many working moms actually bust their asses at work? Then some of them aren't used to being home with their kids and look for any excuse to take them out and find other sources to entertain them because they're too lazy and not equipped to entertain their own kids!


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Sammi20
by Gold Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 9:14 PM

I agree that seems pretty unfair to the kids... I mean yeah some people don't Plan on having that many kids or need to work to support the kids... but daycare costs more than just being a stay at home mom unless you are a dr. or a nurse or something Big... I would love to be able to put my dd in daycare for like 2 or 3 hours a day just so I can have a little break but I am a SAHM and will most likely always be! (at least till dd is a lot older she is 2)

amynlee
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 10:10 PM

& thats the problem "working mom" how can you work & still be a mom? The only way i see it is if you run a daycare at your house, pet sit or house sit or something, not a home business where you lock your child out of your office, i have worked when i was a single mother, i did 3rd shift & my ex had the kids; i went to his house around 8pm, got them to bed went to my job slept in the parking lot in my car untill 10pm worked, picked the kids up @ 6am when i got off work then i slept untill they work up around 9am and took a nap from 12-3 when they did. the first time my daughter work up at 1am crying for me i quit. but from what i have seen the whole issue between working/staying at home is how you are raised, i was raised old fashioned, my mother cared for me my daddy worked. i was brought up that i do not work outside the home my job is to take care of my house & my husband. this is my way of life. i respect other peoples thoughts but i just dont understand it i guess. so i am sorry to anyone i may have hurt. i was having a bad day and kinda let out on everyone else!

mamakitty777
by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 8:57 PM

Being at home for you child does not mean you are sitting around. I work too-from Home while my child is in school or at night after she goes to bed. i make my own schedule ,Can you honestly say that your boss lets you come and go whenever you have a sick child with no repercussions?   tell yourself whatever you need to to feel less guilty.

Evan1212
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 7:38 PM
R u sure u found out who the original poster is????? R u sure??? Wat if I am the poster wud u be like WTF? It cud be anyone who is defending this post. Think about that bfore u go and say that can't read my message I'll write it out for u.


Are you sure you found out who the original poster is?????? Are you sure??? What if I am the poster would you be like What The Fuck? It could be anyone who is defending this post. Think about that before you go and say that. Can't read my message I'll write it out for you.


Quoting Anonymous:

It's no wonder you haven't added any friends yet. Your so closed minded . Only a narcissist would like her own post. Yep I know who you are silly girl.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 193 on Mar. 22, 2013 at 1:18 PM

So many people are missing the point. To those saying "is dad less of a parent if he works full time?" ~That depends on if the kids are home with mom when dad is working. The point here (to me at least) is that children should be raised by their parents, at least one. People have kids and have to work but I totally see what OP is saying. Why would you have ANOTHER child that you will only see an hour or two a day? I spend more time with my dog.....Single moms have no choice and I get that but would any of you go out and intentionally have another baby in that situation? The woman whose kid is in daycare 50-80hrs a week I honestly find that deplorable but that's just me. Call me judgmental but no matter how good your child care center is they are not a suitable replacement parent and say what you want but when your children spend 80% of their time there they are acting as just that. I worked in daycares and too many parents would be livid at me when I'd call about a sick kid, bullshit they had to leave work! I mean seriously upset they have to care for their child who is sick and wants their parent. I try not to bash a parent for doing what they have to do but I don't feel like one "needs" to have a bunch of kids if they treat them more like pets. I have no doubt working parent love their children ferociously and I have no doubt that kids can thrive in a GOOD child care setting but I truly believe if you are working more than 40hrs a week you should re-evaluate your situation before adding more kids to the mix. I mean all you working mothers basically pay my bills so I would be unemployed without you but I just see the toll it takes on the kids and I have had way to many mothers be angry/sad/whatever that I witnessed firsts and they did not and their kids call me mom regardless of how hard I try to get them not to because I am the one they were with all the time, the one they imprinted with. Children need their parents, not all the time but more than an hour a day and weekends. If a couple was separated and one parent had them weekdays and one weekends wouldn't you consider the weekend parent  to have "part time" custody? That is what it is when you only see your kids for a quick supper and bed. I bet you make that time count but can you ever get them to take those first steps again since you missed them when you were at work? My bottom line? If you have to work to support your family and the option of one parent being there isn't possible why have another child to send off to be raised (because like it or not if they spend more waking hours at daycare than with you that's whats happening) by someone else? So you can play with it on the weekends? I think that show 18 and counting would be looked at a lot differently if they just kept poppin em out and shipping them off to Kindnercare or whatever.....Say what you want but after spending 11 years "raising" other peoples children I will gladly eat ramen a few nights a week and make other small sacrifices to stay home and raise my daughter while my SO works full time. NO GA here, just good ole fashioned budget, and no we are not at all well off, just happy. I am with LO all day and some days dad doesn't get to even see her before bed or when she wakes up and that kills him but at least ONE of us was here for her all day. I guess I just can't wrap my head around having another kid you never see when you already have some that you see on weekends and for a meal at night and none of these comments have helped me see that point of view except the single parents who have no choice but they (from what I can see) are not having more kids in that situation so I still do not understand. 

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