We moved when my daughter was just a year old, and in order to
help prepare her for the transition my wife and I went out and got The Berenstain Bears' Moving Day.
As a child I had the birth of my baby brother explained to me through
the offices of the Bears, and saw no reason why I couldn't ease a
different life change for my own daughter. And you're in luck because
there are children's books for any situation no matter how
soul-crushingly horrible it happens to be. Strap in because this is
going to suck real hard.
Don't Make Me Go Back, Mommy:
Do you remember the recovered memory movement in the '90s, where a
bunch of psychologists misused hypnotherapy to convince people they had
repressed incidents of abuse? The most ridiculous result of the movement
was this myth that children were secretly being used in Satanic
rituals, and this book shows in loving detail what signs to be on the
look out for if it was, you know, true. There's naked children, hooded
figures, and a nice, snide dig at sending your kids to daycare rather
than being a stay at home mom included.
Is There Love After Abuse?:
Lori Susewitt could use an editor, but her tale of an abused dog named
Kobe that learns to love again after being abused is still worth the
read even though she's not real good on the difference between "you're"
and "your." Grammar aside, it's a beautiful book with tremendous
illustrations by Amra, it's just that it also kind of makes you want to
kill yourself afterwards.
Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept:
Jayneen Sanders was worried that Australia wasn't doing enough to
prepare families for the possibilities of sexual abuse, so she crafted a
book that is more chilling than the time Stephen King wrote about a kid being sodomized for overdue library books
Her story shows in cold, methodical detail the way a person of power
can basically collect child victims by making their parents dependent on
them for employment, and makes you want to bleach your soul afterwards.
The Night Dad Went to Jail:
You're probably not planning on going to jail, but I come from a family
full of jail birds and none of them were planning on going any more
than they planned out their robberies with any sort of sense. Going
through the legal processes that results in incarceration is hard enough
for an adult, but trying to explain these things to a kid is
insurmountable. Melissa Higgins does pretty well for older kids, but if
you try using the book to counsel a three-year-old I guarantee that he
or she is just going to want to visit prison where the bunnies live.Chased By An Elephant:
The Mormon Church has made their stance on homosexuality pretty clear,
so it should come as no surprise that Janice Barrett Graham, wife of
Stephen Graham, President of the anti-gay organization, Standard of
Liberty would pen a helpful, 100+ page book explaining proper sexual
identity with some nice commentary on why you gals should not only
resist your sapphic side, but also why feminism is ruining your empty
little heads. Yes, it is a South Park episode
come to unholy literary life, except that when South Park
does something offensive and wrong it's on purpose. Oh, and Tarzan's involved for some damn reason.
Does God Love Michael's Two Daddies?:
To save you the trouble of reading this book I will answer; Yes, God
loves pretend gay marriages, but they're going to hell anyway. Probably
Michael too because God is sort of an all or nothing fellow. If you want
to make sure that your children grow up with the same vague homophobia
that you blame on Jesus I can think of no better tome. Oh, and though
they never come out and say it baldly, there are plenty of allusions to
interracial marriages being as illegitimate in the eyes of God as
On a completely unrelated side note... people who viewed this book on Amazon also viewed something called an Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle. Your guess is as good as mine, folks.
Cambodia has the largest amputee population in the world. Know why?
Because the country is rotten with land mines left over from the civil
war in the 1970s. Sometimes little kids step on them, and what happens
to their poor little bodies gets turned into a book by Maria
Almudevar-van Santen. She's far from the only one
either. So if you're one of those people who say America is going to
hell in a handbasket, just remember that your odds of stepping on a
landmine tomorrow are very, very small, and try to keep some
Losing Uncle Tim:
the time I'd stumbled upon Losing Uncle Tim I'd been researching books
that would explain death from a drawn-out painful illness for more than
an hour because even a job where they pay you to watch Doctor Who
has to have its downside. Mary Kate Jordan actually wrote a rather
amazing story, and deals with the full range of emotions you go through
as you say goodbye to someone who slowly dies. It doesn't make it any
less heartbreaking, though.The Liberal Clause:
As I've pointed out before
it's never too early (or even very expensive) to use your young
children as a repository for your own airheaded political and social
beliefs. Failed Tea Party candidate David W Hedrick decided he would
harness the magic of Christmas to explain exactly how Obama would steal
America. Granted, this is clearly a work meant for adults who only think
like children, but there is no way in all the seven hells that someone
who bought this didn't try to use it to warp a kid against everything
liberal by painting it as socialism. Using Christmas. Where as far as
kids go everything is bequeathed to you by an invisible overlord for
Not to go back to the same social well, but the top spot can't belong
to anything but Alfie's Home. The book was, this is not a joke, submitted as evidence
on the recent Supreme Court hearings on California's Prop 8. I could
understand if it was the pro-same sex marriage side doing so as proof of
the complete idiocy of their opponents, but nope, a children's book was
held up as honest scientific evidence.
It's written by Richard Cohen, a famed reparation therapy expert. His
theory is that gays reproduce by touching children who are neglected by
their fathers, thus making them gay and want to touch children in
return. It's written with the same style and grace of a man trying to
attempt anal sex with his sleeping wife, and has more failure of logic
than FIFA 12.
In addition to completely misunderstanding literally everything about
same-sex relations except the fact that people of the same gender touch
each other's genitals, it teaches an even worse lesson.
Uncle Pervetron? Nothing happens to him. After Alfie attends a single
counseling session and realized (phew) he's not queer, his uncle
apologizes and everything goes back to normal (not gay). He doesn't go
to jail, and everyone apparently trusts him to keep his bad touches to
himself. Parents, don't do this!
Oh, and Alfie ends up married to a woman named Nancy, which is a joke
so obvious I'm not touching it because I'm afraid it's a booby trap.