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i know it sounds horrible but i really want to have a miscarriage. i wish there was a way i could have one on purpose. i dont want to be pregnant i dont want another kid. im content with the one i have. i dont want to have an abortion because then i would have to face facts and i really just couldnt go through with it even though it has crossed my mind. i dont go through with adoption either been there done that before- didnt want to but at the time i really didnt have another choice.........idk how to feel anymore..........ive had an ultrasound and still feel the same way i thought maybe that would change my mind but nope it just made me want to miscarry even more.. i know it sounds bad, but i cant help but to feel this way ive done everything i could think of to not feel it but its impossible
so i guess i should have gave more to the story. i dont mean to offend anyone, ive had a miscarriage before myself. i dont know why i feel this way but i do. i was molested from the time i was 4 until i was at least 6 by my dad. at 6 or 7 i put someone in jail until he was 21 because no one believed me that he didnt molest me he did 2 other kids but i had just gotten home from being in another state all summer and they didnt beleive me until i was 13. at 13 i had taken pills bc i just got out of the hospital and was in a lot of pain, my mom told this guy to go check on me and they next thing i know he had his pants down and mine were to he was on top of me but nothing happened after a rap test and court they believed me....thats all i remember. then i got pregnant when i was 13 didnt know what sex actually was, everyone was doing it so i said sure happened once and i got pregnant, found out in school in health class what sex was and what all could happen afterwards. then i didnt have sex or anything besides that one time until one of my friends rapped me i was 18 he was high and drunk at the time and i ended up pregnant. i forgave him and he has never gotten high since then that i know of. we dont talk much about twice a year on facebook. during the time i was pregnant a lot happened and i ended up staying with my aunt found a townhouse was going to go sign papers on it and she was worried that it was 45mins away from work etc etc. we talked about it and decided that i wasnt going to sign them and after i delivered she would help me find a place closer to work. well a week later and being to late to sign the papers and a month away from my due date she looked at me and said if you keep it you and your son are no longer welcomed here, so i had to make a choice i looked and applied everywhere to get a place but it wasnt happening. so the choice was adoption or living on the streets with two kids. i called someone up and they agreed and we start the process. thats still hard to deal with especially when you didnt want to do that in the first place. to this day once in a while my son will say i want my sister back and we talk about it and he says i dont care what i have to do i will sleep on the streets if i have to......hes getting better with dealing with it that was almost 6 years ago. then i was with someone for a while we decided we were going to try to have one and it happened then i had a miscarriage we both were heart broken, and we tried for 1 1/2 years after that. the stress was to much and we went our own ways we still talk on occasion to see how each other is doing. fast forward to now. the guy im pregnant by had sex twice then he wanted to and i said no well he forced his self on me and i ended up pregnant. i told him hes excited, im not. i completely resent him because i said no, he did use a condom each time i was on bc. something didnt feel right afterwards besides the fact that he did force his self in me and i went and got a morning after pill. i know thats the day i got pregnant because it was a month inbetween and nothing has happened since. we work together and he makes me sick i dont want to look at him or talk to him. if i could do something to not feel this way i would but i have tried everything, only thing that helps is when im not thinking about it. no i wouldnt do anything to hurt either of us it just sucks that i feel this way, its gotten so bad that i have started to call the dr but cant force myself to because i feel like its a waste of time plus i have an appointment in thursday.....i know shes going to think im crazy. i cant stand feeling this way, i never thought in a million years i would. its not like i dont care i just started feeling this way the past few weeks i have names pciked out bought stuff then all off a sudden i started feeling this way, crying etc............