Should a child know her dad's not paying child support?

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband went without paying child support the first two years that I knew my husband, so when he started paying, We had already learned to live without the money, and used it like lottery winnings that were just for my daughter. These extras cost a little more than $3,000 a year, and her dad paid just under $4,000 a year in child support, so it worked out well. However, her dad hasn't made a child support payment since March 2012, so it's been nearly a year without it. And my husband has been saying that we need to stop buying these extras for DD. Since her dad isn't paying child support and it' not like our son gets those kind of extras at all ever. DD knows that my husband makes very good money, and that we do well enough to pretty constantly go on trips and buy nice things. And I've often told her that her dad shared money with me to raise her to be the amazing woman she has the potential to be, and that's why she's able to have these extras every month, and have so many opportunities. If we had added the child support to our household income instead of just using it to spend on DD, we would have saved more towards retirement, put it toward debt repayment, or saved for a new car.

Would it be terrible to say something like that we had to step back and discontinue all her extracurricular activities because her dad's having a hard time like a lot of people in this country, and he just can't share the same money with us that we used to use to pay for all these extras?

My husband thinks we should just tell her she needs to focus on her schoolwork, but she's Honor Roll student, and I don't like telling her something that sounds like she did something wrong.

I know this is my fault, and I got myself in this situation by making it so clear to her that her dad was paying for these extras, but I was so proud of him for making her a priority again, and getting a job, that I wanted to give him credit. It's not like our son has anything like she gets, but he's much younger and doesn't notice yet.

[Anonymous]

BUMP

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit confused.  It sounds like your family can manage just fine without any child support and could afford these extra activities?  If so I really don't understand having to stop those extras.  I'm guessing maybe your dh wants the credit and appreciation for supporting her and is upset he's not getting it.  Maybe talk to her about her activities and see if there are any she would be willing to cut out  and if she says no then let her know that you no longer recieve any money from her father, you don't know why, maybe he's struggling, but you don't know and tell her that her stepfather would perhaps be willing to help out once again. 

[Anonymous]

Would it be terrible to say something like that we had to step back and discontinue all her extracurricular activities because her dad's having a hard time like a lot of people in this country, and he just can't share the same money with us that we used to use to pay for all her lessons?


I think what you want to say to her is fine. You aren't making her bio dad sound bad, just explaining the situation. Step dad however, sounds like a dick, particularly since it can be paid for. He just doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

So your dh makes good money ?
Your daughter shouldn't be included in financial issues . Get a job if you have to . I can't believe your ok with what your dh is saying . Get a job then dh can pay for child care for your guys child and realize that 3000 a yr is not bad compared to daycare

[meka26]

I leave dd out of anything dealing with my ex. Kids should not be put in the middle of grown up stuff.

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

Wow! I'm really surprised by how many of the first votes said my husband should pay for her lessons. I just threw that in there at the end because in my heart of hearts I wish her stepfather had said we'd pay for the lessons from our household account once the child support account is empty. He doesnt see the point of it, though. He thinks there are better things we can spend $3,200 a year on than lessons for one child.

[krayzbabylove]

In this situation I may tell the child that money is tight and until dad can help out more again we have to cut back on the extracurriculars. I would not however discontinue all of them. Your dd sounds like a fantastic girl, and she deserves to have something she loves to do.

[bustybee]

be honest, but within her age boundries. I would tell her that he has been paying but he hasn't in a little bit and if you can't get ahold of him to set up him starting to pay again that she might have to take a break from her extra ciriculars until you can find a way to solve it. she doesn't need to know if you go through maitenance enforcement or whatever.

[oboe_chik]

personally i dont believe kids should know more than the bare basics about finances...its not fair to burden them with that. Can you not afford it now? or does your husband not want to pay for it? i agree you shouldnt told her who was paying for it you should have seen it coming that there was a posibility of him losing a job some day and becoming behind on his cs. I say if you can pay for it then let her continue but if not just say we dont have the money for it ne more and leave it at that.

[Awakened1]

If you are doing well enough and your DH knew taking care of your daughter was part of 'the package' why discontinue her activities? Also, in knowing that her dad wasn't consistent you should have only signed her up to things you knew could be affordable with or without help. That way it reduced the likelihood of disruptions.