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Am I a bad mom/person? My Daughter loves her SM and it tears me up

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:28 PM
  • 35 Replies

OK I am a single mom and my 3 yr old (4 in April) daughter's dad isn't a horrific father but he only lands somewhere between terrible and extremely lazy.  I work three jobs to support her and spend every free second I have playing with her or doing something constructive like helping her with homework or cooking dinner with her.  We have a wonderful relationship, I know I am very blessed.  When her dad picks her up she runs into his arms, then hops in his fiance's arms just as happy to see her.  I know it is terrible of me but I hate this so much. They do nothing for her but feed her junk food and sit her in front of the tv.  I know it would be ten times worse to see agony in her eyes when she headed his direction and I do not want that and I am happy she likes his new girl and she treats my daughter pretty decently. But I still can't shake the stomach ache and bad feelings when I see her run off to be part of another family. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did you feel guilty about it? Please tell me your story and why or why not. I need to stop feeling this way. It is terrible :( and please don't bash me, I need advice not meanness.

 

EDIT:

Thanks to everyone who is being kind. I already stated I am happy that she likes her and she treats my daughter decent. I show no negative emotion (about her father or step mom) around my daughter. I encourage her to see them. We even make them crafts birthday/chirstmas/mothersday/valentines day cards. I am not sure how I can encourage it any more lol. It just hurts on a mommy level seeing her from my living room window b.c. I really really do try so hard to be the best mommy I can be. So to watch some one so lazy get all the same love kinda sucks. I know she is only 3 and I would never change her preception of him, that will happen all on his own time. Remember I said I feel Guilty for feeling the way I do.

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mocking.Jay
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:31 PM
Talk to her about how being fed junk food can lead to diabetes.
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Mommy2fourchics
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:32 PM
I don't know what to say (hugs) I am "the sm" so I guess I've never put myself in my sd's mom's shoes.
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my4kidsrock2
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:38 PM

My daughter was the same way at that age. All she ever talked about was her sm. She wanted to go over there all the time. I bothered me, but I just continued to do things the same and make sure she knew that I love her no matter what and will always be here. 

She is almost 16 now and she doesn't really like her sm anymore. She hardly ever goes to her dads house and when she does she doesn't stay long because she realized that they don't really care anyways. It was fun when she was little to eat junk food and watch cartoons all day but now she is a very active teenager who is trying to eat healthy and they still only have junk food and cartoons, lol.

Give it time. I know it's rough now, but it will get better and it will all be worth it  :)

PROGENITOR
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:39 PM
3 moms liked this

How do you know what they do with her? Do you drill her about what she does at her dads? That age group isn't the best for giving accurate details. The way you write it you are the best most giving hard working mom of all and they are lazy good for nothings. I think you are likely biased. First stop that type of thinking. You don't know what goes on at their home. The more you think of yourself as better than the more resentful and bitter it is going to make you that she likes being with them. Who wouldn't be bitter if their child loved folks who were "less than" they were? No want wants to be on the same level as others we don't feel are as good as we are. But you can choose to not have that attitude. Also remember that your DD is at that age where she will adore just about anyone. Allowing the relationship, like you are doing, is a good thing. Her STBSM will never be her mom, even if she suddenly were the one doing all the caring for your DD she still will never be mom. You have nothing to worry about or be sad about. Your DD is lucky.

KristenFowles
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:40 PM
2 moms liked this

 I think you're a human.. with human feelings. 

If my DH and I were ever NOT together.. and he was seeing someone else.  I wouldn't want my children to see her, EVER.  Because they're MINE.  And this is unrealistic, and immature.. But it's how I'd FEEL..

How you FEEL you cannot be blamed for, and you have every right to feel however you want to.

It's what you do in spite of those feelings.

MommyLovesAri
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:40 PM

 Thanks, I know a lot of sm's try very hard and it isn't a stab at them. It just hurts for me to try so hard and him to do nothing and still get that response from her


Quoting Mommy2fourchics:

I don't know what to say (hugs) I am "the sm" so I guess I've never put myself in my sd's mom's shoes.


 

lucky2Beeme
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:41 PM

I've never been in your shoes. I think they best way for you to look at it is' my DD loves her and she must be good to her to make her feel loved" your child is just a little girl. She doesn't get anything other than daddy & step mom come get her and let her watch tv and eat junk. Something most 4 yr olds would love. Hugs momma. I do understand how you are feeling.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:41 PM

You stated she is 3 - homework already?

Quoting MommyLovesAri:

... like helping her with homework ...


LyTe684
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Really? Don't do this op.

You're not horrible. She's a kid. She's sees things through kid eyes, not adult eyes.

Hugs.


Quoting Mocking.Jay:

Talk to her about how being fed junk food can lead to diabetes.
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MommyLovesAri
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:43 PM

 I know my DD is lucky and I know EXACTLY what goes on in their home. I have THREE different "insiders" that tell me and not be.c I ask b.c. they call me trying to help. I didn't say they were good for nothings read the whole post.


Quoting PROGENITOR:

How do you know what they do with her? Do you drill her about what she does at her dads? That age group isn't the best for giving accurate details. The way you write it you are the best most giving hard working mom of all and they are lazy good for nothings. I think you are likely biased. First stop that type of thinking. You don't know what goes on at their home. The more you think of yourself as better than the more resentful and bitter it is going to make you that she likes being with them. Who wouldn't be bitter if their child loved folks who were "less than" they were? No want wants to be on the same level as others we don't feel are as good as we are. But you can choose to not have that attitude. Also remember that your DD is at that age where she will adore just about anyone. Allowing the relationship, like you are doing, is a good thing. Her STBSM will never be her mom, even if she suddenly were the one doing all the caring for your DD she still will never be mom. You have nothing to worry about or be sad about. Your DD is lucky.


 

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