My 9 year old molested a 5 year old *Update 2/27/2013*
My daughter has repeatedly had trouble when she's at her dad's house. He's gotten arrested in front of her for DV, he's spanked her until she had bruises, his parents have done things like slap her in the face and shake her. She's begun to be violent with me and her half-brother here at my house, and her pediatrician referred her to a therapist, who she's been seeing, and I've been taking classes on parenting a child who's violent and has been exposed to abuse and domestic violence. I was referred to that program by our last CPS investigator. I have repeatedly tried to get temporary custody during the criminal and CPS proceedings, but our judge has always denied it. We have a new judge now because through a very lengthy and expensive process I was able o get rid of our judge and overturn the last order he made in our case.
Over the weekend, it sounds like she molested her cousin, who is only five. It's pretty bad, from what she told me. Really, really bad. She's almost ten, and knew it was wrong, whereas he was five, and didn't. And I feel terrible. For all I know this is going to mess him up for life.
My head is spinning. It sounds like no one was watching them, because both of their parents were working since it was President's Day, and instead of offering to bring her home early, her dad had his father watch her again, even though I've repeatedly said that I think his dad is abusive and neglectful. (He's left her home alone, but when I called the police about it, I was told that this was legal in our state, because they don't have a specific age, but it's based on he child and my child was found to be competent for the length of time she was left.)
My daughter said that they knew their grandfather would never check on them the entire time, so they had the time to completely undress, she taught him to kiss her with his tongue, lay on her and rub privates, etc. It's awful and disgusting.
I don't know what my first move will be. Her dad didn't want to sit down and talk to me about this. He just drove away. Then he called me over and over while my daughter was trying to talk to me about it, like somehow his phone call was more important than the little girl in front of me. If he wanted to be first, he could have come inside and sat down, like she did.
What would you guys do? Would you report the grandfather for neglect? Would you report your child for doing this to a little boy half her age? Would you call CPS? Would you make an emergency appointment with the pediatrician to talk with her about sex? Would you make an emergency appointment with the therapist to talk about this new development in her behavior? Would you meet with your lawyer and insist on filing for... I don't know... something...but what thing could keep this from ever happening again??? And what order would you do it in? What would you do first thing tomorrow?
2/20/2013: okay, it's nine, and our CPS investigator just left. I'm so tired. I think I have only slept two hours.
At 8:00 am, her pediatrician said she wouldn't see her until she had been evaluated by an E.R. doctor, in case she needed a forensic evaluation/ to assess if she'd been molested herself. The doctors and nurses at the E.R. talked to her a lot. They found there was insufficient evidence to do a forensic evaluation, because it would be more traumatizing than it was worth since they did not find anything to support molestation. Her therapist could not see her, but just from calling to make the appointment they called the police and CPS. I started to fill out a police report with the officer, and he was telling me that it didn't sound like anything criminal had happened. What the grandfather did wasn't neglectful. What my daughter did didn't sound like molestation to him because the kids were so young. The CPS investigator said that I went overboard because she had so many mandatory reporters calling her today about this little girl. And she said that I had been traumatizing and my daughter needs to know that she's not a bad girl, it's just that this is grown up stuff for only grown ups. And she said that I needed to stop fighting with my ex-husband and work with him because treating him like the enemy is only going to hurt my daughter. I feel sick to my stomach. I still have much to do, but I feel discouraged, like there is no point. Am I really crazy for thinking that something is wrong here? That going to her dad's is giving her problems? I talked to her about it, to get an idea of what I want to file for, if anything. And my daughter always tells everyone, investigators, therapists, etc., that between seeing her dad a lot, a little, or not at all, she wants to see him a little. So they continue to think our current schedule is fine. But my daughter explained it to me that when she's with her dad it makes her feel bad about herself, like she's stupid or wishes she was never born or could just be dead without killing herself because she knows that's wrong. But she doesn't want to see him less because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings and make him think she doesn't want to be with him. And she knows that if she never saw him anymore that she would miss his face and want to see it again. I think she did a very good job of telling me her feelings, but the CPS investigator said that as girls get older they naturally have these conflicted feelings about their fathers because they are coming into their own as people and their fathers still want them to be little princesses. It is like being in the Twilight Zone. How can you look at my daughter's CPS file, and come to THAT conclusion-- that her dad's just having trouble letting go of his princess, so his daughter's feeling contrary about visitation? I haven't gotten a single bit of documentation my lawyer can use, since apparently not watching kids for hours at a time is fine. I was told, sometimes parents let their kids play outside for hours and have no idea where they are. And I have to respect that other people have different parenting styles than me. Is this what they are going to tell my former sister-in-law? That instead of getting upset about her FIVE YEAR OLD she needs to respect that other people have different parentling styles??? No one seems to think that what I call molestation is molestation. There isn't anything documented to support the way I felt last night. Either everyone else is crazy, or I am crazy.
2/22/2013: I still don't have a police report. I was told it could take 7 to 10 days to get the report. I still don't have a CPS report. She has 90 days to file her report. My daughter sees her therapist tomorow. I took her to the pediatrician, and she recommended a child psychologist that would be able to handle lewd and lascivious behavior at such a young age. I made the appointment, but it's not until March 12th. At sometime in the next two weeks someone is going to talk to my daughter about what happened. Not from CPS but someone through the police station. I was told that no one outside of professionals should speak to her on this matter. So I'm not allowed to talk to her about it anymore. The police want me to keep my daughter from having contact with her cousin until the investigation is over, but I've never fascilitated contact between them, so I don't know what they expect me to do. My lawyer is still waiting on me to give him some paperwork with something concrete so he can proceed legally. I have nothing. My husband has been out of town this whole time, and we move in six days and he expected me to have so much done in this past week, and I haven't been able to do hardly anything. I leave soon to pick him up from the airport.
2/24/2013: The CPS lady came by while we were moving. My daughter was very embarassed, because there were so many friends and family helping us. My uncle-in-law is extremely loud and kept announcing how he was going to do this or that before the investigator came back downstairs because she could take my kids away if she saw these things. (Unwashed dishes, medicine out, cleaners out, trash visible... but these were dishes we were using to feed our helpers, medicine we were moving, cleaning products we were using, trash that was just a part of moving.) We had a lot of pizza out, but I'd already warned our family that we couldn't have beer because she might come by. My uncle-in-law kept trying to find out why we were being investigated again. I just kept shrugging and saying it was stuff that happened in her dad's time. My daughter had been crying the whole time until I left her side, and then she hid behind the rounded corner of the sectional sofa in the living room and stayed there the rest of the day unti we had to move the sectional. The CPS investigator came downstairs after interviewing her, and told me to tell whatever man had been shouting whie giving a play-by-play of his every action, that she had no intention of taking my children, and that she understood that we were moving. She also asked if I had any life changes I wanted to tell her about that I'd been hiding, and leveled her gaze at me I knew then that my daughter had said I was pregnant, and my heart sunk, because that means it could end up in the report. Last time I was pregnant, my ex-husband harassed me, calling me in my hospital room, saying he knew were I was, trying to file for Emergency Custody because I was in the hospital, etc. They may black it out, but I can read what they lack out still, because it's just a dull black marker over glossy black printed text. If you take the report and angle it so the letters catch the light, it's really easy to read the whole thing. The investigator told me that another investigator had interviewed my daughter's cousin and my former sister-in-law (since they are in a different county), and that she was not in any trouble for not reporting it. That's good. She saw no reason to keep the kids apart. I told her that the police did, and she sighed and said that CPS wasn't going to be able to protect my daughter against the police. She also gave me a lot of unsolicited advice about my pregnancy, telling me that there's a normal reaction to stress, and my over-the-top reaction to stress, and I had to calm down for the sake of my pregnancy. The investigator for the other county will probably interview our daughter still, either at school or at her dad's house.
2/25/2013: I woke up in a lot of back pain, but wanted to be available, because the investigator said she wanted to check our new house. She never came by, so by the late afternoon I went to an urgent care facility. There a doctor said I just had a urinary tract infection, and gave me antibiotics. I wasn't able to keep the antibiotics down, and started vomiting. So, we called my mom to take care of the kids and took me to the E.R. I was in terrible pain by that point. They could not get a urine sample until after an ultrasound, and I was in too much pain for the ultrasound, so they had to give me a great deal of morphine before they did the urinalysis. This worries me, because it means my urine is going to come up postive for opiates. I have a bladder and kidney infection, so they need me to stay in the hospital. I'm worried this means my ex-husband will try to get custody again. If he does, I'll have to leave against medical advice.
2/27/2013: My mom took my daughter to her pediatric appointment. I discussed with my husand whether she should take my daughter, or if he should go. We decided my daughter would be more honest around my mom, but this might have been a mistake. I feel like since I'm in the hospital, and we'rre still moving, my daughter's getting off very easy without consequences. It sounds like my mom's been spoiling her terribly. Also, I haven't left my daughter alone with my son since she started being violent months ago, but I'm afraid my mom's been leaving them alone with each other, because my mom doesn't seem to "get it" that her granddaughter is capable of atrocious things. My husband is sure my mom wouldn't put our son at risk. My mom hasn't been very forthcoming with what happened at the pediatric appointment, and said she doesn't know if my daughter was referred to a chid psychologist. I might have to take her to the doctor all over again after I get out of the hospital. I had a surgical consult today. They may intervene to help my kidney drain. I was on a lot of medicine, and my husband was very tired, so we aren't sure what was said. However, the urologist put in my orders that I wasn't allowed to eat or drink after midnight. But my nurse said that the surgeon never scheduled me for surgery. I'll find out more tomorrow. My daughter hasn't told her dad yet that I'm in the hospital. I'm starting to feel better (which is why I'm updating), so I hope I don't have surgery.