I need some insight from a vast spectrum of mothers. My BIL is getting married (37 years old Engineer) to a woman who is 31 (and she's a well educated Physician's Assistant) I am letting you know age and career to show some background since this is going to become a question of maturity and respectfulness.
They were engaged in Sept of 2012 and began planning immediately for a Wedding set for November 2013. Date, church, reception attendants and dresses have been done since Thanksgiving-ish, although no details have been shared with us. At Christmas BIL asked DH to be the best man in a VERY awkward...."ooops by the way I asked everyone else and not you yet" but since MIL brought up attendants I might as well throw this out too "You want to be my best man" with an awkward chuckle. Dh was hurt that he didn't ask him in a more purposeful way, but whatever.
So fast forward - no save the date cards. We don't have any details yet - fine there is a lot of time left. Not pissed at all.
So MIL has a dinner for BIL's birthday. I cleared my whole weekend calendar not knowing what date she would pick and she chooses Friday night - which of course I had a speaking engagement set up MONTHS prior. So I can't go and everyone knows this. I heard DH tell BIL.
I find out that BIL's fiancé asks all three of my girls (7,6,6,) to be flower girls. Dh is caught off guard. He knows we don't make big decisions without each other. I am also pregnant and due at the end of September, so at the wedding the baby will be about 7 weeks old. Dh and I had actually just discussed that we would prefer that the girls not be asked bc just having a full day with the baby will be a lot. Especially with him as best man. But awkwardly and sheepishly says "OK" bc they did it in front of everyone.
I have received NO call, no email, NOTHING from BIL or fiancé and I feel it's completely inappropriate to not involve me. Dh and I had a big blow up bc I don't feel like you commit to something like this without the mom involvement not to mention the expense - which we are taking a 40K pay cut in May and going to increase our gas bill bc of commute by 600% (yes seriously). And you don't ask kids and get them all excited before OK'ing stuff with parents. I am NOT demanding an apology. I simply stated to DH that as far as I am concerned the girls are not in the wedding and I am not buying dresses, or dealing with alterations, or anything else until I am involved in some discussion. He is saying I am out of line. Fiance is feeling anxious and doesn't know what to do about me and I should just let it go. Turns out she already has the dresses picked out - she did before she even asked the girls. Oh and there is no "bad blood" here. I have always gotten along really well with BIL. I hardly even know fiancé - I have only been around here 5 times, and MIL and I get along great - so there are no weird dynamics here. I just think it was very immature of her not to involve me as the mother, the checkbook, and the person who is going schlep around three girls and a 7 week old baby. I have even said that email communication would surface at this point - ANY communication would. But Dh told me he spoke with BIL he said he doesn't think that is going to happen bc fiancé is "uncomfortable"
What do you all think? Am I out of line? Thank you for our responses