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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Am I out of line in demanding some communication?

Posted by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:49 AM
  • 40 Replies

I need some insight from a vast spectrum of mothers.  My BIL is getting married (37 years old Engineer) to a woman who is 31 (and she's a well educated  Physician's Assistant)  I am letting you know age and career to show some background since this is going to become a question of maturity and respectfulness.

 They were engaged in Sept of 2012 and began planning immediately for a Wedding set for November 2013.  Date, church, reception attendants and dresses have been done since Thanksgiving-ish, although no details have been shared with us.  At Christmas BIL asked DH to be the best man in a VERY awkward...."ooops by the way I asked everyone else and not you yet" but since MIL brought up attendants I might as well throw this out too "You want to be my best man"  with an awkward chuckle.  Dh was hurt that he didn't ask him in a more purposeful way, but whatever.

So fast forward - no save the date cards.  We don't have any details yet - fine there is a lot of time left. Not pissed at all.

So MIL has a dinner for BIL's birthday.  I cleared my whole weekend calendar not knowing what date she would pick and she chooses Friday night - which of course I had a speaking engagement set up MONTHS prior.  So I can't go and everyone knows this.  I heard DH tell BIL.

I find out that BIL's fiancé asks all three of my girls (7,6,6,) to be flower girls.  Dh is caught off guard.  He knows we don't make big decisions without each other.  I am also pregnant and due at the end of September, so at the wedding the baby will be about 7 weeks old.  Dh and I had actually just discussed that we would prefer that the girls not be asked bc just having a full day with the baby will be a lot.  Especially with him as best man.  But awkwardly and sheepishly says "OK" bc they did it in front of everyone.

I have received NO call, no email, NOTHING from BIL or fiancé and I feel it's completely inappropriate to not involve me.  Dh and I had a big blow up bc I don't feel like you commit to something like this without the mom involvement not to mention the expense - which we are taking a 40K pay cut in May and going to increase our gas bill bc of commute by 600%  (yes seriously).   And you don't ask kids and get them all excited before OK'ing stuff with parents.  I am NOT demanding an apology.  I simply stated to DH that as far as I am concerned the girls are not in the wedding and I am not buying dresses, or dealing with alterations, or anything else until I am involved in some discussion.  He is saying I am out of line.  Fiance is feeling anxious and doesn't know what to do about me and I should just let it go.  Turns out she already has the dresses picked out - she did before she even asked the girls.  Oh and there is no "bad blood"  here.  I have always gotten along really well with BIL.  I hardly even know fiancé - I have only been around here 5 times, and MIL and I get along great - so there are no weird dynamics here.  I just think it was very immature of her not to involve me as the mother, the checkbook, and the person who is going schlep around three girls and a 7 week old baby.  I have even said that email communication would surface at this point - ANY communication would.  But Dh told me he spoke with BIL he said he doesn't think that is going to happen bc fiancé is "uncomfortable"

 What do you all think?  Am I out of line?  Thank you for our responses

by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Kodysmommy928
by Platinum Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:56 AM

It would be irritating, but then again, it's just one day.  If it was my family, I know without a doubt that my kids would be in their wedding, no matter what.  If you are uncomfortable with the level of communication, then reach out to her. 

sarah824
by Platinum Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:01 AM
1 mom liked this

You sound very controlling about this. It is THEIR wedding. They don't have to discuss every detail with you. I can see that you would want to be involved because your girls are, but you could always call the fiance, especially if you have been told that she is uncomfortable and not sure how to discuss this with you. Why not invite her to lunch or coffee and discuss it then?

mommaoftwo
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:09 AM

were you told that you are expected to pay for the dresses?

My SIL is getting married next year, it is assumed as the kids of the family, her nieces and nephews will be in the wedding (and her son). My two eldest will be a jr bridesmaid, and a jr groomsman, my youngest dd will be the flower girl and my 4 yr old and her 4 yr old are ring bearers.

I know that my MIL and SIL are buying their outfits, DH and I only have to worry about our clothing, (we are also in the wedding party)

cinnamonkiti
by Gold Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:12 AM
It sounds to me like the fiancee is trying to include your daughters so that she can show that she wants to become a part of her dh2bs family, and not take him from you all.
She may not know how to approach you,especially if she knows you are upset( brothers talk).
Give the woman a break Were you perfectly reasonable to everyone when planning your wedding? Most women arent. If they were, there would be no basis for the term bridezilla.
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Pnukey
by Jenn on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:13 AM
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You are not out of line. Fiance should have talked to THE MOTHER (you) about involving three young girls in a wedding. Personally, I wouldn't do it. It sounds like a big ol' mess, and you don't need that with 3 young girls and a newborn. Fiance doesn't know what she's doing. 

CorpCityGrl
by Platinum Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:14 AM

Why not reach out to her?

I know it's irritating because it seems like these decisions were made without your input and they just assumed, so instead of fuming about it...reach out to her.  If your BIL's fiance is uncomfortable, maybe it's because she doesn't know you all that well or has had much interaction with you....maybe she thinks you don't like her.  People are weird sometimes like that.

silverdawn99
by Ruby Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:17 AM
I would be pissed also
I dont let my children do anything unless i am told about it
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silverdawn99
by Ruby Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:18 AM
I think that is the problem
No one has talked to her about anything


Quoting mommaoftwo:

were you told that you are expected to pay for the dresses?

My SIL is getting married next year, it is assumed as the kids of the family, her nieces and nephews will be in the wedding (and her son). My two eldest will be a jr bridesmaid, and a jr groomsman, my youngest dd will be the flower girl and my 4 yr old and her 4 yr old are ring bearers.

I know that my MIL and SIL are buying their outfits, DH and I only have to worry about our clothing, (we are also in the wedding party)

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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:19 AM

She's uncomfortable emailing you! tell her youre uncomfortable having your girls be in it. I would not want to have to take care of that on my own with a newborn!

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:23 AM
I stil don't understand why you offered up their careers... Their choice of jobs doesn't dictate whether they should be mature or not... Anyways they should talk to you about their intentions of your children in their wedding. If they're too uncomfortable to ask face to face or even by email then they have no right to to behind your back and have your kids in the wedding. Your dh needs to build up his balls and put his foot down.
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