Mom with 2 girls (or more)... I need some encouragment
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with a baby I didn't intend to conceive (we thought SO was infertile but still used protection - turns out he wasn't infertile and spermicide wasn't the most effective protection) and I have had a lot of trouble accepting the fact that I'm having another child. About a month ago, I finally came to terms with it and actually started looking forward to having a baby again. But the entire pregnancy, just about everyone (including me) thought that I was having a boy...
Well, we had our ultrasound yesterday
It's not that I don't like little girls, it's just that I already have one. I love her to death, but she's a fireball of energy, a hurricane of emotion, and super clingy. It takes everything out of me just to keep her contained. It's not that she's a bad kid or a lack of discipline - this is something that people have commented on since she was 8 months old - how much energy she has and how moody she is. That's just her.
And I was really looking forward to having a boy and a little bit of a balance of emotions. Preferably more laid-back. I know that every kid is different, but the thought of having two girls scares me even more than the thought of having two kids. All I can think about is crazy pre-teen years, make-up bills, dating worries, and expensive clothes. I've already been hospitalized this pregnancy and almost died (pregnancy is very, very hard on me), along with getting some very ugly stretch marks that I'm nowhere near coming to terms with (I didn't get any with DD1), and I kinda feel like I went through all of that to get something that I already have.
SO was happy about having a girl, which surprised me some because I thought the amount of estrogen might be a bit overwhelming, and I shared some of my feelings about the baby with him, but I mean the baby is here there's not much we can do.
I had a baby boy name picked out, but not a girl name, and I've been looking through them (I've gone through 36 pages of names so far), but nothing seems to "click" and I don't know if it's because I just don't feel attached to this baby. I feel guilty for not being excited, especially when I know that some women TTC for years without success, and when I know some ladies want that little girl so bad.
I think a lot of my feelings with probably go away once the baby is born, but in the meantime I don't know how to cope with the guilt of being disappointed that this baby is a girl or how to get excited again. I'm just so worried that this baby will be just as challenging as my first, and I also wonder if I'll ever have a boy (after all, pregnancy isn't the greatest option for me).
Any advice/ encouragement from moms with girls?