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I'm coming out and confessing...:long: :child molestation:

Posted by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:02 AM
  • 61 Replies

Many of you have seen me around and have probably taken notice that what I say is usually 50% joking, 50% serious….but I'm going to be 100% real with everyone in this post right now. I ask that you bear with me because I'm not the best at explaining things and this is a long story. 

My mom cheated on my stepdad with my bio dad, and thus I was born. When I was little, 8 and younger, bio dad would travel across the country to pick my mom and I up for unauthorized visitations. While on these visits, my mom would get involved with bio dad and continue her affairs. I'm not too sure because I was so little I couldn't remember, or maybe I've blocked it out to the point I can't remember at all, but I believe that's where all my problems began. They didn't care if I was in the same room…they didn't care if I was in the same bed…I remember bits and pieces of them doing it while I was so little(i think about 4 or 5) and I would wake up from the motions. I don't know how, but I knew what they were doing and I'd cry so hard that they'd stop and check on me. But it never stopped them from continuing after I fell asleep. I know because I'd wake up again. 

That was concern number 1. Concern number 2 was I've always for as long as I can remember have had issues with porn. Every kind…softcore like you find on cable tv late at night, even to just a topless woman making out with some dude on movies. I'd run out of the room in tears and start bawling at the sight of it…all the way up till I was 12. No explanation for it, and I remember being confused as of why when I was that age too. I still have problems with it now, but not as wildly. You will never catch me with a smile that porn is on the tv, and when it's a topless woman or something like that, I'll get a bit of an attitude. Still no explanation for it, but it does get me in a prudish mood. I know that I should get over it because I'm an adult now, I have kids now, I've had sex obviously, lol. But it's hard. I am in all honesty fighting with myself on accepting this, but it's like there's a giant invisible wall blocking me from it. 

Concern number 3 is something I discovered when I turned 13, and once again rediscovered when I became pregnant at 18. I have extreme terror, pain and trouble with inserting things in my vagina. I couldn't insert tampons..going to the OB is literally like feeling a needle going into my vag every time. Even sex is difficult, I have to have a lot of lube, and SO has to insert slowly, otherwise it's extremely painful and I can't continue. My OB has concerns whether or not it may have been a trauma that occurred when I was little that made it effect me to this day. 

Concern 4 I found out only a few months ago back in July or June. My brother is mentally ill…schizophrenic…my mom told me that when we were little, my brother would get curious and play "doctor" with my brothers and sisters. I asked if I was one of them…she said she doesn't know, but she hopes I wasn't. 

Concern 5, I have reoccurring dreams of someone I know raping me….the same person every time. I will not say who, but it has been the same dreams of this person touching me and doing things to me while I'm young, ever since I can remember. 


These concerns have haunted my mind, and I've NEVER talked to anyone about it before, besides SO…and that was only last night. He suggested that I try sharing and it may help me…so this is what I'm doing. Feel free to ask any questions, and if you wanna bash, you're welcome to (donno why you would or how but eh. I'm going to keep this one serious. I will ignore any and all bashing.) 

Thanks~

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by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
skittlefart
by Taste the Rainbow on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:07 AM

bump

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:11 AM
Sorry that happened to you:( That was really brave of you to share. I think it's good you're talking about it. Maybe you should see a therapist.
skittlefart
by Taste the Rainbow on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:11 AM

bump

skittlefart
by Taste the Rainbow on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:13 AM
1 mom liked this

I've thought about that for a long time, but I've always thought there was no point. I'd just be telling something that is probably by now impossible to find out if true or not. SO wants me to see one as well, so I'm thinking hard on it. Thanks though. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Sorry that happened to you:( That was really brave of you to share. I think it's good you're talking about it. Maybe you should see a therapist.


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nathansmommy331
by Silver Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:16 AM
I'm sorry. I'm glad your SO seems understanding & supportive. I wish you the best & hope one day you get closure.
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KimberlyDoll
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:16 AM
1 mom liked this
Hypno therapy may be a good idea. It'll allow all those suppressed memories to come out and for you to start healing
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nathansmommy331
by Silver Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:17 AM
Love your sn by the way.
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skittlefart
by Taste the Rainbow on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:18 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you. He is very supportive, he definitely was a good start on releasing all this :) 

Quoting nathansmommy331:

I'm sorry. I'm glad your SO seems understanding & supportive. I wish you the best & hope one day you get closure.


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skittlefart
by Taste the Rainbow on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:19 AM

Never heard of that before, I've got to admit though,  I'm scared to find out. But thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely look into that. 

Quoting KimberlyDoll:

Hypno therapy may be a good idea. It'll allow all those suppressed memories to come out and for you to start healing


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skittlefart
by Taste the Rainbow on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:19 AM
1 mom liked this

haha, thanks :) 

Quoting nathansmommy331:

Love your sn by the way.


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