I'm coming out and confessing...:long: :child molestation:
Many of you have seen me around and have probably taken notice that what I say is usually 50% joking, 50% serious….but I'm going to be 100% real with everyone in this post right now. I ask that you bear with me because I'm not the best at explaining things and this is a long story.
My mom cheated on my stepdad with my bio dad, and thus I was born. When I was little, 8 and younger, bio dad would travel across the country to pick my mom and I up for unauthorized visitations. While on these visits, my mom would get involved with bio dad and continue her affairs. I'm not too sure because I was so little I couldn't remember, or maybe I've blocked it out to the point I can't remember at all, but I believe that's where all my problems began. They didn't care if I was in the same room…they didn't care if I was in the same bed…I remember bits and pieces of them doing it while I was so little(i think about 4 or 5) and I would wake up from the motions. I don't know how, but I knew what they were doing and I'd cry so hard that they'd stop and check on me. But it never stopped them from continuing after I fell asleep. I know because I'd wake up again.
That was concern number 1. Concern number 2 was I've always for as long as I can remember have had issues with porn. Every kind…softcore like you find on cable tv late at night, even to just a topless woman making out with some dude on movies. I'd run out of the room in tears and start bawling at the sight of it…all the way up till I was 12. No explanation for it, and I remember being confused as of why when I was that age too. I still have problems with it now, but not as wildly. You will never catch me with a smile that porn is on the tv, and when it's a topless woman or something like that, I'll get a bit of an attitude. Still no explanation for it, but it does get me in a prudish mood. I know that I should get over it because I'm an adult now, I have kids now, I've had sex obviously, lol. But it's hard. I am in all honesty fighting with myself on accepting this, but it's like there's a giant invisible wall blocking me from it.
Concern number 3 is something I discovered when I turned 13, and once again rediscovered when I became pregnant at 18. I have extreme terror, pain and trouble with inserting things in my vagina. I couldn't insert tampons..going to the OB is literally like feeling a needle going into my vag every time. Even sex is difficult, I have to have a lot of lube, and SO has to insert slowly, otherwise it's extremely painful and I can't continue. My OB has concerns whether or not it may have been a trauma that occurred when I was little that made it effect me to this day.
Concern 4 I found out only a few months ago back in July or June. My brother is mentally ill…schizophrenic…my mom told me that when we were little, my brother would get curious and play "doctor" with my brothers and sisters. I asked if I was one of them…she said she doesn't know, but she hopes I wasn't.
Concern 5, I have reoccurring dreams of someone I know raping me….the same person every time. I will not say who, but it has been the same dreams of this person touching me and doing things to me while I'm young, ever since I can remember.
These concerns have haunted my mind, and I've NEVER talked to anyone about it before, besides SO…and that was only last night. He suggested that I try sharing and it may help me…so this is what I'm doing. Feel free to ask any questions, and if you wanna bash, you're welcome to (donno why you would or how but eh. I'm going to keep this one serious. I will ignore any and all bashing.)